Saturday, February 9, 2013

Vermont Teddy Bear “Big”

Link 03C Logo 01A

Synopsis: Young, attractive women who on the surface do not appear to have any mental or emotional problems get whipped up into an ecstatic, psychosexual frenzy upon receiving an absurdly infantile four-and-a-half-foot tall teddy bear for Valentine’s Day.

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After falling into a frigid pond while ice fishing, Kelly’s soaked and shivering husband returned home to find himself unprepared for her surprise inspection

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Fortunately, the anatomically-incorrect competition made an even poorer showing

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What Women Want: a ridiculous, carnival-sized children’s toy that’s impossible to hide from visiting family and friends

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“Thanks, dickhead.”

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As many men have long suspected, when it comes to their personal hopes and desires, all adult women have the mentality of a six-year-old girl

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Super-stupid gift deserves ultra-asinine name

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Look what Dan picked up on his way back from the strip club!

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Elizabeth can’t contain her excitement over being presented with furry abomination that smells of cigarette smoke and Jagermeister

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This more than makes up for her husband’s drug abuse and infidelity

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In hallucinogenic daze, Dan eagerly waits for bear to devour his wife

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When nothing happens, he wonders if he could smear honey on her torso without arousing suspicion

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Elizabeth hasn’t been this happy since she got that new Barbie from Santa last Christmas

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Painful memories of her cold, distant father and string of unhealthy relationships with domineering older men are suddenly washed away

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“I love you, Replacement Daddy.”

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“What can I tell you?  She’s a moron.”

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Attempt to show affection by offering sample of nature’s delicate beauty ends in embarrassing failure

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Trash can gift didn’t go over very well, either

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Courtney’s boyfriend tried to change things up this year by swapping traditional chocolates with Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast

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His only mistake was forgetting to warn her not to eat it

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Another Valentine’s Day ruined by absence of giant stuffed animals

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She’s just like my ex-girlfriend, only hotter and more enjoyable to be around.

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While his wife fantasizes about contacting a former lover, Bob sneaks up from behind with humungous token of his utter cluelessness

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Startled, Linda accidentally slices off tip of her finger with paring knife, experiencing a physical sensation for the first time in seven years of marriage

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A second later, her well-practiced fake euphoria kicks in, bolstering Bob’s precarious post-employment manhood until she inevitably finds him crying in the bathroom again

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“Oh, honey – it’s so wonderful of you to blow 100 bucks on a totally impractical gift when we can’t even afford to pay our mortgage!”

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Ironically, fireplace-bound bear will be better provider

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While Teddy filled in for Alexa, office productivity went up 50%

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It won’t be as funny after she breaks up with boyfriend three months later and finds Teddy’s severed head sitting on the hood of her Prius

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“Are you an underqualified hedge fund manager who’s sleeping with her boss too?  Yes you are, big teddy–weddy!  Yes you are!”

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Not an uncommon occurrence in Vermont

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I know this is wrong, but it feels so right …

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Usually you have to get the bear drunk first

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Five minutes later, Teddy mumbles that he’s got an early meeting tomorrow and starts casually looking around for his pants

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Yeah, these idiotic monstrosities are gonna be flying off the shelves.

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Jennifer’s rotary phone is ringing – it must be her love-struck fiancé calling from 1949

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There’s not a big hunka snowball’s chance in hell this thing’s still going to be around next week.

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That seems like a reasonable price to pay for being able to show the entire world that you’re a complete schmuck.

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It’s almost as cuddly as the baby she can’t have

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You could argue that America’s downward spiral became irreversible at this exact moment.

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Teddy’s soft coat is 100% orangutan

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Inside, he’s stuffed with ground-up gypsy moths

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What about delivery – is it guaranteed?

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“You’ll call me, right?”

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He’s not going to call.

Loathsomeness: 9.0

12 comments:

  1. http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=8662171249638416805#editor/target=post;postID=2234113939735502088

    Well done! Here's my version, from last year- or was it the year before? :>)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 2009, actually. This annual atrocity rises up like a horrifying flower every Valentine's Day, but it lasts a lot longer. A testament to the enduring idiocy of oblivious patronizing men and the women who adore them.

      Delete
  2. Wow. What a stupid, stupid gift.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Didn't you listen to the leering, sexually suggestive voice-over? It works every time, heh-heh ...

      Delete
  3. Seems like a good deal, but I wonder if they guarantee delivery?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You'd think they'd say something about that.

      Delete
  4. It's funny, I am a 30 year old man, and I reacted basically this way when I saw the giant teddy bear being sold at Costco and bought him on the spot. He now occupies about 10% of my living room but he makes me really happy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's ... unexpected.

      May I ask, when was the last time you went out on a date? I mean, with a person.

      Delete
  5. Studies show that this gift makes 1% of US population with strange furry fetish "Really fucking happy."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least until they realize that teddy bear is not machine washable.

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  6. http://www.hulu.com/watch/597240

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Clearly Kimmel stole most of that bit from us.

      Delete