Synopsis: Young, attractive women who on the surface do not appear to have any mental or emotional problems get whipped up into an ecstatic, psychosexual frenzy upon receiving an absurdly infantile four-and-a-half-foot tall teddy bear for Valentine’s Day.
After falling into a frigid pond while ice fishing, Kelly’s soaked and shivering husband returned home to find himself unprepared for her surprise inspection
Fortunately, the anatomically-incorrect competition made an even poorer showing
What Women Want: a ridiculous, carnival-sized children’s toy that’s impossible to hide from visiting family and friends
As many men have long suspected, when it comes to their personal hopes and desires, all adult women have the mentality of a six-year-old girl
Super-stupid gift deserves ultra-asinine name
Look what Dan picked up on his way back from the strip club!
Elizabeth can’t contain her excitement over being presented with furry abomination that smells of cigarette smoke and Jagermeister
This more than makes up for her husband’s drug abuse and infidelity
In hallucinogenic daze, Dan eagerly waits for bear to devour his wife
When nothing happens, he wonders if he could smear honey on her torso without arousing suspicion
Elizabeth hasn’t been this happy since she got that new Barbie from Santa last Christmas
Painful memories of her cold, distant father and string of unhealthy relationships with domineering older men are suddenly washed away
“I love you, Replacement Daddy.”
“What can I tell you? She’s a moron.”
Attempt to show affection by offering sample of nature’s delicate beauty ends in embarrassing failure
Trash can gift didn’t go over very well, either
Courtney’s boyfriend tried to change things up this year by swapping traditional chocolates with Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast
His only mistake was forgetting to warn her not to eat it
Another Valentine’s Day ruined by absence of giant stuffed animals
She’s just like my ex-girlfriend, only hotter and more enjoyable to be around.
While his wife fantasizes about contacting a former lover, Bob sneaks up from behind with humungous token of his utter cluelessness
Startled, Linda accidentally slices off tip of her finger with paring knife, experiencing a physical sensation for the first time in seven years of marriage
A second later, her well-practiced fake euphoria kicks in, bolstering Bob’s precarious post-employment manhood until she inevitably finds him crying in the bathroom again
“Oh, honey – it’s so wonderful of you to blow 100 bucks on a totally impractical gift when we can’t even afford to pay our mortgage!”
Ironically, fireplace-bound bear will be better provider
While Teddy filled in for Alexa, office productivity went up 50%
It won’t be as funny after she breaks up with boyfriend three months later and finds Teddy’s severed head sitting on the hood of her Prius
“Are you an underqualified hedge fund manager who’s sleeping with her boss too? Yes you are, big teddy–weddy! Yes you are!”
Not an uncommon occurrence in Vermont
I know this is wrong, but it feels so right …
Usually you have to get the bear drunk first
Five minutes later, Teddy mumbles that he’s got an early meeting tomorrow and starts casually looking around for his pants
Yeah, these idiotic monstrosities are gonna be flying off the shelves.
Jennifer’s rotary phone is ringing – it must be her love-struck fiancé calling from 1949
There’s not a big hunka snowball’s chance in hell this thing’s still going to be around next week.
That seems like a reasonable price to pay for being able to show the entire world that you’re a complete schmuck.
It’s almost as cuddly as the baby she can’t have
You could argue that America’s downward spiral became irreversible at this exact moment.
Teddy’s soft coat is 100% orangutan
Inside, he’s stuffed with ground-up gypsy moths
What about delivery – is it guaranteed?
“You’ll call me, right?”
He’s not going to call.