Vermont Teddy Bear “Big”

 

Synopsis: Young, attractive women who on the surface do not appear to have any mental or emotional problems get whipped up into an ecstatic, psychosexual frenzy upon receiving an absurdly infantile four-and-a-half-foot tall teddy bear for Valentine’s Day.

After falling into a frigid pond while ice fishing, Kelly’s soaked and shivering husband returned home to find himself unprepared for her surprise inspection

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Fortunately, the anatomically-incorrect competition made an even poorer showing

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What Women Want: a ridiculous, carnival-sized children’s toy that’s impossible to hide from visiting family and friends

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“Thanks, dickhead.”

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As many men have long suspected, when it comes to their personal hopes and desires, all adult women have the mentality of a six-year-old girl

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Super-stupid gift deserves ultra-asinine name

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Look what Dan picked up on his way back from the strip club!

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Elizabeth can’t contain her excitement over being presented with furry abomination that smells of cigarette smoke and Jagermeister

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This more than makes up for her husband’s drug abuse and infidelity

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In hallucinogenic daze, Dan eagerly waits for bear to devour his wife

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When nothing happens, he wonders if he could smear honey on her torso without arousing suspicion

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Elizabeth hasn’t been this happy since she got that new Barbie from Santa last Christmas

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Painful memories of her cold, distant father and string of unhealthy relationships with domineering older men are suddenly washed away

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“I love you, Replacement Daddy.”

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“What can I tell you?  She’s a moron.”

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Attempt to show affection by offering sample of nature’s delicate beauty ends in embarrassing failure

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Trash can gift didn’t go over very well, either

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Courtney’s boyfriend tried to change things up this year by swapping traditional chocolates with Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast

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His only mistake was forgetting to warn her not to eat it

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Another Valentine’s Day ruined by absence of giant stuffed animals

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She’s just like my ex-girlfriend, only hotter and more enjoyable to be around.

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While his wife fantasizes about contacting a former lover, Bob sneaks up from behind with humungous token of his utter cluelessness

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Startled, Linda accidentally slices off tip of her finger with paring knife, experiencing a physical sensation for the first time in seven years of marriage

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A second later, her well-practiced fake euphoria kicks in, bolstering Bob’s precarious post-employment manhood until she inevitably finds him crying in the bathroom again

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“Oh, honey – it’s so wonderful of you to blow 100 bucks on a totally impractical gift when we can’t even afford to pay our mortgage!”

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Ironically, fireplace-bound bear will be better provider

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While Teddy filled in for Alexa, office productivity went up 50%

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It won’t be as funny after she breaks up with boyfriend three months later and finds Teddy’s severed head sitting on the hood of her Prius

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“Are you an underqualified hedge fund manager who’s sleeping with her boss too?  Yes you are, big teddy–weddy!  Yes you are!”

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Not an uncommon occurrence in Vermont

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I know this is wrong, but it feels so right …

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Usually you have to get the bear drunk first

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Five minutes later, Teddy mumbles that he’s got an early meeting tomorrow and starts casually looking around for his pants

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Yeah, these idiotic monstrosities are gonna be flying off the shelves.

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Jennifer’s rotary phone is ringing – it must be her love-struck fiancé calling from 1949

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There’s not a big hunka snowball’s chance in hell this thing’s still going to be around next week.

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That seems like a reasonable price to pay for being able to show the entire world that you’re a complete schmuck.

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It’s almost as cuddly as the baby she can’t have

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You could argue that America’s downward spiral became irreversible at this exact moment.

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Teddy’s soft coat is 100% orangutan

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Inside, he’s stuffed with ground-up gypsy moths

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What about delivery – is it guaranteed?

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“You’ll call me, right?”

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He’s not going to call.

Loathsomeness: 9.0