Monday, March 4, 2013

Cougar Life “City”

Link 02A Logo 03G

Synopsis: Let’s just go with the actual lyrics of the catchy Cougar Life theme song: “She’ll make her moves, she’ll make ya moan; but what she gives you, you better give it back – if you don’t you’ll end up as a tasty snack.”  Enough said.

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Would-be Demi patiently waits for her Ashton in New York’s tough Online Dating District

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Luckily, black is the official gang color of the notorious Pratt Street Cougars, or else this attempted rendezvous could have proved fatal

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Amazingly, she slips between graffiti and wall it’s painted on

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01A 
In an interesting choice, Citygirl decided to use surveillance photo of herself being stood up on last date as profile pic

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In her special language, when describing hair, “red” is another word for “black,” and when describing education, “college” is another word for “high school”

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So many guys are looking for someone to sit and watch their drama

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One of the best ways to attract young men is to put on a dress from 1958 and stand seductively in an abandoned yarn factory

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In nightmare come to life, Jim’s search for a “cougar available for a date” turns up his mother

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Yet he doesn’t immediately close the window

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Mariah Carey finally reaches rock-bottom

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Lime-encrusted fountain gargoyle got more requests than she did

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Rebecca begins her irresistible mating dance

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Trick is not to spill the Champagne while drunkenly offering yourself up for sex with bored business travelers half your age

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She usually doesn’t have any luck until she’s actually unconscious

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Canadian men like their women old and desperate

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Next, we’ll narrow our search results to members who’ve indicated that they regularly carry large amounts of cash in their purse

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Even though selected age range was 35-65, ultra-intuitive website responded with three women aged 31, 33, and 34 and filtered out all women over 40

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Celine Dion knows that her heart will go on

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71-year-old husband isn’t producing many hits in bed these days

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Meanwhile, on Laguna Beach, women barely holding back ravages of time celebrate last days of sexual viability in their Land’s End bikinis

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Next round of peroxide is on Kelly

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All the Crest Whitestrips in the world can’t hide the fact that she’s slowly rotting from within

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Before she joined Cougar Life, Tanya didn’t know if she’d ever experience the thrill of being used by superficial men again

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Now she’s got all the humiliation she can handle

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Panera Bread is an ideal venue for arranging joyless hook-ups

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Kate had her face sandblasted just before photo shoot

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In some ways, dating a real cougar would be less frightening

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Blonde, toned, and just a ghost of a chance she might have once been a dude

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She would’ve been “gone_wild69,” but she didn’t want to reveal her true birth year

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After first hour went by without any traffic, she started to worry that nonsensical personal statement wasn’t sexually suggestive enough

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Diana wonders if man standing six feet away comparing her online profile to her actual body before risking a hello might be Mr. Right

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Botox-infused skin – check.  Slutty age-inappropriate dress – check.

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Breasts at least one inch in diameter at distance of six feet – check.

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Five minutes after date bolted, Diana checks to see how he rated their degrading encounter on Cougar Life website

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4 and 1/2 furballs – wow!

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And now, here’s your tasty snack …

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… a 19-year-old nitwit looking for someone to buy him a new moped.

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One at a time, ladies – there’s enough Kip to go around.

Loathsomeness: 7.6

8 comments:

  1. I am so glad you did this. I was recently laid up and unable to move and the remote was out of my reach. I was subjected to this commercial repeatedly for hours.

    I died a little that day and not from almost dying during surgery.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think that being forced to repeatedly view this commercial violates the Geneva Convention. They're probably showing it to prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

      Hope you make a speedy recovery.

      Delete
  2. Is this a real show? What a moronic program! The women seem hot, tho! BTW-did that kid ever make a date with his mom?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not a show -- an internet dating site: www.cougarlife.com. We're not sure if any mother-son dates have actually occurred, but sooner or later, it's bound to happen.

      Delete
  3. Oh, I KNEW this ad would show up on Pointless Planet. The very first time I saw it, I just knew.

    It's kinda sad, too, the wasted opportunity here. Shoot, I'll admit it - I'm into older women. Some of the sexiest women I've ever met have been 10 or 20 years older than myself. And I'm obviously not the only one in that boat. But they've taken what could be an empowering enterprise for women and turned it into some bizarre fever-dream from the advertising wasteland. Who is this ad supposed to appeal to, exactly? If I were a "cougar", I'd be more then a little leery about putting my personal details up on a site that superimposes animal sounds over women making goofy faces. And I sure as hell don't relate to Mr. Moped there, peeking around the giant laptop. Also, since when did 30 years old count as "cougar country"?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This commercial essentially spoofs itself, so it wasn't as easy a choice as you might think. When I first saw the ad, I thought it was a Saturday Night Live parody. But I agree with your comments. Why the "cougar" concept would appeal to any self-respecting older woman on the dating scene is beyond me.

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  4. It's funny but if you go to the site, the age range for both sexes is 18-65. So cougar could mean any adult under 65.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anyone dumb enough to use that site should be fed to an actual cougar.

      Delete