Synopsis: Let’s just go with the actual lyrics of the catchy Cougar Life theme song: “She’ll make her moves, she’ll make ya moan; but what she gives you, you better give it back – if you don’t you’ll end up as a tasty snack.” Enough said.
Would-be Demi patiently waits for her Ashton in New York’s tough Online Dating District
Luckily, black is the official gang color of the notorious Pratt Street Cougars, or else this attempted rendezvous could have proved fatal
Amazingly, she slips between graffiti and wall it’s painted on
In an interesting choice, Citygirl decided to use surveillance photo of herself being stood up on last date as profile pic
In her special language, when describing hair, “red” is another word for “black,” and when describing education, “college” is another word for “high school”
So many guys are looking for someone to sit and watch their drama
One of the best ways to attract young men is to put on a dress from 1958 and stand seductively in an abandoned yarn factory
In nightmare come to life, Jim’s search for a “cougar available for a date” turns up his mother
Yet he doesn’t immediately close the window
Mariah Carey finally reaches rock-bottom
Lime-encrusted fountain gargoyle got more requests than she did
Rebecca begins her irresistible mating dance
Trick is not to spill the Champagne while drunkenly offering yourself up for sex with bored business travelers half your age
She usually doesn’t have any luck until she’s actually unconscious
Canadian men like their women old and desperate
Next, we’ll narrow our search results to members who’ve indicated that they regularly carry large amounts of cash in their purse
Even though selected age range was 35-65, ultra-intuitive website responded with three women aged 31, 33, and 34 and filtered out all women over 40
Celine Dion knows that her heart will go on
71-year-old husband isn’t producing many hits in bed these days
Meanwhile, on Laguna Beach, women barely holding back ravages of time celebrate last days of sexual viability in their Land’s End bikinis
Next round of peroxide is on Kelly
All the Crest Whitestrips in the world can’t hide the fact that she’s slowly rotting from within
Before she joined Cougar Life, Tanya didn’t know if she’d ever experience the thrill of being used by superficial men again
Now she’s got all the humiliation she can handle
Panera Bread is an ideal venue for arranging joyless hook-ups
Kate had her face sandblasted just before photo shoot
In some ways, dating a real cougar would be less frightening
Blonde, toned, and just a ghost of a chance she might have once been a dude
She would’ve been “gone_wild69,” but she didn’t want to reveal her true birth year
After first hour went by without any traffic, she started to worry that nonsensical personal statement wasn’t sexually suggestive enough
Diana wonders if man standing six feet away comparing her online profile to her actual body before risking a hello might be Mr. Right
Botox-infused skin – check. Slutty age-inappropriate dress – check.
Breasts at least one inch in diameter at distance of six feet – check.
Five minutes after date bolted, Diana checks to see how he rated their degrading encounter on Cougar Life website
4 and 1/2 furballs – wow!
And now, here’s your tasty snack …
… a 19-year-old nitwit looking for someone to buy him a new moped.
One at a time, ladies – there’s enough Kip to go around.