Wednesday, March 20, 2013

DPRK “Wonderful Dream”

Link 03B Flag 03A

Synopsis: The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, via its unpronounceable propaganda website, Uriminzokkiri, via the insane cinematic fantasies of its Supreme Leader, Kim Jong Un, wistfully portrays the future annihilation of the United States by an animated toy spaceship to a gentle piano rendition of Michael Jackson’s “We Are the World.”  Seriously.

02 
Patriotic North Korean worker sleeps peacefully next to 1993 Canon video camera manufactured in neighboring country that formerly ruled his people

-0:02-

02 
Camera lacks film, costs more than he earns in a year, and would get him arrested for espionage if he took it out of the house, but it makes a great conversation piece

-0:04-

04
Suddenly Tinkerbell arrives from Party Headquarters to induce state-sanctioned dream

-0:06-

06
Empty dinner plate is official seal of North Korea

-0:17-

17
Usually he dreams about finding discarded sack of rotting potatoes, but this time is different

-0:25-

25
Through trippy pink haze, massive, thrusting rocket lifts off …

-0:34-

34
… piloted by Kate Upton

-0:38-

38
Oh, wait – that’s my wonderful dream.

-0:41-

41
Looks like they forgot to remove all the cellophane.

-0:43-

43
If rocket crashes, 1500 members of launch team who witnessed it will be summarily shot

-0:54-

54 
Worker dreams of sleeping through dream

-0:57-

57 
Empty propellant tank falls back to People’s Republic, where it will be turned into People’s Apartments

-1:06-

106
As a rule, you should never give your nation’s signature spacecraft a name that’s too long to fit on a commemorative postage stamp

-1:10-

110 
Literally translated, “kwangmyungsong” means “bound to hit something”

-1:11-

111 
“Moonraker”  just opened in Pyongyang

-1:15-

115
North Korean dream shuttle of death whizzes by non-imaginary International Space Station built by United States

-1:17-

117
Earth looks like forgotten hunk of cheese in your refrigerator

-1:21-

121
Speaking of stark contrasts, while North Korea’s comically delusional leadership plays with space toys, its starving subjects trade recipes for boiled bark

-1:23-

123
Objects not to scale

-1:25-

125
Now he’s just hot-dogging.

-1:27-

127 
Whee!

-1:29-

129
Perfectly green Earth turns out to be uniformly blue

-1:35-

135 
I thought it was a video camera.

-1:39-

139
Dennis Rodman is the tall guy standing in front

-1:41-

141 
I hate it when concerns rush over me.

-1:46-

146
Not pictured: South Korea

-1:53-

153
Ironic tribute to continent that annoying song was actually about

-1:57-

157
For Christ’s sake, just bomb the damn planet already!

-1:58-

158
This is like Earth as pictured by Marvin the Martian.

-2:03-

203
That means America hasn’t chosen a Pope yet.

-2:05-

205
In response to destruction of its World Headquarters and deaths of countless unarmed civilians, U.N. proposed tough new sanctions on North Korean ball bearing imports

-2:07-

207
Even without North Korean attack, gigantic American flag would have suffocated millions

-2:11-

211 
Makers of “Call of Duty” video game strongly objected to North Korea appropriating its depictions of horrific violence intended for American children

-2:15-

215
If you live in a place called “The Devil’s Nest,” you really shouldn’t be surprised if something like this happens

-2:18-

218 
I knew habitually causing wars of invasion and persistence would come back to haunt us.

-2:22-

222
In final seconds, Mayor Bloomberg signed citywide potato chip ban into law

-2:28-

228 
That’s nuclear fallout, dumbass.

-2:47-

247
Now think about this: the GDP of Ryan Seacrest is greater than North Korea

-3:00-

300
If only Obama had apologized more …

-3:03-

303
No – not our schemes!

-3:09-

309
Memo to Captain Crazy: Americans don’t really give a shit what happens to your Paektu Mountain country one way or the other

-3:17-

317 
Fortunately, only target in United States within range of North Korean missiles is Sarah Palin’s house, so the joke’s on them

-3:29-

329 
Thus ends our nutty magical adventure.

-3:33-

333
Moral of the story: Ambien and chronic malnutrition don’t mix.

Loathsomeness: 6.2

20 comments:

  1. “Moonraker” just opened in Pyongyang

    Jeesh, haven't the North Koreans been tortured enough already?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Luckily for them, Pyongyang has only one movie theater, and it's usually booked for operas about Kim Jong Un's sexual potency.

      Delete
    2. Oh. So - short stories, then..?

      Delete
    3. You just got your hometown added to the imaginary target list.

      Delete
  2. I just hope that the Chinese get bored of supporting these idiots soon. The people need food, not bad commercials for bad ideas.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kim Jong Un's response to China would be like that pot-smoking kid in the classic 1987 anti-drug commercial who says to his reproachful father, "I learned it by watching you!"

      Delete
  3. Is it safe to assume that you are even now working on your "Guntucky" post? I may give it a shot, but it's just screaming for a screenshot-by-screenshot dissection.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good Lord -- I wasn't even aware of this abomination; I had to look it up. It so readily mocks itself, I'm not sure what I could add. The challenge seems almost too great.

      Delete
  4. what an idiot...they should all be embarassed

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think most people over there are too busy starving to be embarrassed.

      Delete
  5. Replies
    1. Yeah, NOW they will, after you've posted that handy how-to video! See you in Guantanamo.

      Delete
  6. Your heart is in the right place by decrying North Korea's human rights atrocities, but in doing so, you have made an erroneous joke based solely on eurocentric perceptions of written language with the following comment: "As a rule, you should never give your nation’s signature spacecraft a name that’s too long to fit on a commemorative postage stamp"
    In the hangul alphabet (one of the most scientifically-advanced writing systems in existence), the three syllables of the spacecraft are rendered in just three character spaces: "광명성". This is true on both sides of the DMZ. Korean is a beautiful language -- no matter who writes or speaks it -- and deserves admiration.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Apologies for my erroneous joke. No disrespect intended, other than to Jong Un. Here in America, most people don't even know how to use English correctly, so the subtle intricacies of the Korean language are well beyond my skill set.

      Delete
    2. I think I was overreacting a little bit. You are a classy person, Mr. Editor. I thank you for your response and hope you have a wonderful day. I look forward to reading more of your columns.

      -São Seiryuu

      Delete
  7. Patriotic North Korean worker sleeps peacefully next to 1993 Canon video camera

    (Maybe this guy it is dead) sleeping in the job

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yawn. More stupid xenophobic parroting of US government propaganda. The joke is on you and you don't even see it. Also, do you know that every year US conducts joint militqary exercises of atomic bombing north korea? Yeah it seems Japan wasnt enough.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow ... never thought we'd get a DPRK defender on here. If you peruse some of our other posts, you'll see that we're not exactly U.S. propaganda parrots. In any event, I don't think North Korea has to worry about America nuking it -- half of our nuclear commanders have been discharged for incompetence in recent months, and the other half probably are more interested in Candy Crush than vaporizing the Hermit Kingdom. Now, can you please ask Kim Jong Un to lay off those poor folks at Sony?

      Delete