Friday, March 8, 2013

NGC “Doomsday Preppers”

Link 01 Logo 01A

Synopsis: Former source of quality programming lures paranoid Flyover Country dead-enders out of their basements, cabins, and underground shelters for second season of hit series documenting their hilariously demented, wasted lives.

00 
If Kim Jong Un wants this utility shed, he’ll have to come and take it

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01
Corbin Bernsen stands ready to defend home, petunias

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02
Leaving wife and children behind, Eric Cantor heads for Shenandoah Mountains on his sky blue Kawasaki

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03
Outdoor prepping is always hardest on allergy sufferers

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04
Paul has dedicated an entire emergency generator just to keeping his beard and mustache trimmer fully charged

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05
Larry and his two common law wives set up checkpoint to inspect birth certificates of any presidential candidates who might try to pass through McKenzie Woods

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06 
More gas masks appear in a single episode of “Preppers” than in all other television shows on Earth, combined

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06A
Divorced life insurance salesman and two-time Skeeterville bowling champ Randy Wick declares himself King of New America

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07
In first edict, he announces that he’ll no longer be paying child support

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07A 
Tyler may not know how to read or write, but he got an “A” in his home school Chinese star-throwing class

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08
Now he can help protect kin if they’re attacked by giant sheets of plywood

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08A
Unlucky rabbit trips land mine laid three years ago to deter nosy U.S. Census workers

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08B
If there’s one thing crazy hicks love, it’s explosions

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08C
If there’s another thing, it’s really BIG explosions

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08D
… for the loony bin, yes.

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09 
Call me a traditionalist, but I liked the squeegee guys better.

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10
Leftover pink paint from Suzie’s bedroom probably won’t be needed in post-apocalyptic wasteland, but you never know

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10A 
Jo-Ann Davidson stocks up on thousands of cooking supplies despite fact that White Castle has fed her family for past seven years

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10A1
Essential items for survival in smoldering ruins of civilization include pitted prunes, pumpkin pie filling, and basil

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10B
You’ll also need plenty of salad dressing and Parmesan cheese

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10C
Jo can only pray that economy-size spicy brown mustard will last until roving mutants are cleared out of Walmart

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10D
After six weeks of chicken broth and pea soup, Davidson kids are likely to start their own violent rebellion

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11
Empty jars store precious air of freedom

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11A
Independent-minded preppers who don’t take orders from anyone dutifully obeyed instructions from series execs to hide non-sponsor labels on cans

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11B
TV shows have God-given right to paid product placement

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12 
Larry speeds off to Northwest Georgia Preppers Association meeting wearing his best compost coat and ratskin hat

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13
Even while making plans to ride out nuclear winter in snake-infested swamps of Central Louisiana, Kyle continues to show his support for prostate cancer awareness

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13A 
In Glendale, Arizona, Bob and Judy Latrobe practice abandoning their neighbors to superflu pandemic

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13B
If this had been a real pathogenic event, Bob would have shot Judy at the first sniffle without batting an eye

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14
Dodge Ram – the Official 4 x 4 of Armageddon

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15
Once fuel runs out and horses have been traded for can openers, this will be Arkansas Militia’s primary mode of transportation

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15A
After another ten million years of evolution, roles will be reversed

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15B
But in Willie’s case, it will only take about ten minutes

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16
Dick Cheney spots hunting buddy hiding in the brush

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17
The key to drinking your own urine is to pretend it’s apple juice that just happens to smell and taste exactly like urine

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17A
Angry mob demanding return to gold standard shows up outside Ben Bernanke’s house

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17B
Ted hopes wife doesn’t find out that he used good dish towel to make Molotov cocktail

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17C
Unfortunately, years of sitting on the couch drinking beer has rendered hard money advocates incapable of throwing any object further than fifteen feet

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17D
At least they succeeded in blowing up Bernanke’s pretentious above-ground septic tank …

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18
… or so they thought, until they realized it was made of titanium

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20
I think I’d rather cast my lot with the zombies.

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21
Jerry Lutz checks living room for deadly radiation while daughter Chloe reads about the three things Justin Bieber says he’s learned from his breakup with Selena

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22
Paul knows that one day he may have to determine which member of his family can be bartered for the most bottled water, but he’s already got a pretty good idea who it is

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22A
According to a recent Harris poll, 97% of fat, buzz cut rednecks who have heavy chains with hooks hanging in their cellars voted against Barack Obama in the 2012 election

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22B
The other 3% ended up on the hooks

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23
Maker of hazmat suit warns that it’s less effective if you cut it in half

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23B
Linda likes to get her hair and makeup just right before she dons her combat gear

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24
Roger’s wife can’t decide which side of him embarrasses her more, but she’s leaving both

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24A
Oh, no – it’s happening … !

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28
Whoops – false alarm; just that goddamn crow sitting on the satellite dish again

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30 
125 years of excellence flushed down the drain

Loathsomeness: 7.1

14 comments:

  1. So this is where the television concepts rejected by AMC, The Discovery Channel, and the History Channel get picked up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gilbert Grosvenor is rolling in his grave.

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  2. Good one...and btw, wasn't that the Big Hunka Love Bear at Time Mark 21? ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good pick-up. Now we know who buys them.

      www.pointlessplanet.com/2013/02/vermont-teddy-bear-big.html

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  3. I notice that we don't get a lot of black people on this mess....or Asians....or Latinos....or anyone who ain't pasty-white and Protestant.

    Coincidence? I think not.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. According to the Southern Poverty Law Center, there were 149 recognized Survivalist/Hate Groups being monitored by the Feds here in the USA in 2008. Today, that number is 3600. My guess is that this amazing growth industry owes it's success to the popularity of the McDonald's Dollar Menu, the success of the Twilight trilogy, or bigoted fear of the black guy living in the White House. I've got it down to those three.

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    2. I think I have a fair idea of which of the three it might be. Hell, they should just be honest and call the damned thing Panicky Racist Assholes On Parade.

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    3. Somehow the idea of throwing your time, money, and sanity away to play Mad Max with gun-toting anarchist friends doesn't seem to appeal to people of color -- although, to be fair to the crazies, it's hard to tell who exactly is behind all of those gas masks.

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    4. "Panicky Racist Assholes On Parade" premieres tonight on HGTV.

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  4. The really interesting thing is that when Serious People Who Know What They're Talking About picture life after a collapse like the ones the Preppers are worried about, the first people they think of as dying in waves are "nutbags with a Mad Max fetish." It appears that arming for Armageddon isn't adaptive behaviour in a real frontier.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How many members of the doomsday crowd know how to farm, for example? Or build a house? Or resolve any kind of dispute without using a gun?

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    2. I think the master plan is to arm yourself to the teeth, so you can prey on people who know how to do all that pansy stuff you mention. The idea is to create a world like the one seen by several hundred movie goers in "The Postman" back in 1997.

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    3. Alas, I was one of the hundreds. In an actual post-apocalyptic free-for-all, I doubt Kevin Costner would last more than five minutes. But given their penchant for committing acts of deadly violence, real postal carriers might adapt rather well.

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  5. Seriously...where the hell do they get these people? A big city to them is one of 500; casting calls usually are done in places like the Mall of America. When I watched the commercial for this show, it's almost as if the announcer is really condescending of these people (as he should be!) but again...I have to wonder. I know that these judge shows (People's Court, Judge Judy, Divorce Court) use paid actors to sit in the audience and gasp & sigh and it makes sense...who in their right mind is going to go out to LA and get tickets to watch a fake scripted court show? It makes me wonder if these Doomsday shows are just unemployed actors who aren't good enough to even get on one of those stupid Progressive or Febreeze 'blindfolded-in-room-full-of-dogshit' commercials. Are there really that many out of work actors in LA or are these real people?

    ReplyDelete