Tuesday, April 16, 2013

FAIR “Homecoming”

Link 01 Logo 01B

Synopsis: An unemployed 31-year-old single mother / Real American of Polish-Irish-Italian descent is forced to return to Southern Ohio and move back in with her disappointed parents as a rising tide of opportunistic, job-taking immigrants washes over nation that, inconveniently, was built by them.

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Delores parts curtains to reveal nightmare of unmarried adult daughter coming home to embarrass her in front of book club

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Laura isn’t particularly thrilled about it, either

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Why didn’t I just murder them for the inheritance?

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Goodbye, 4:00 highball.

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Hank’s really looking forward to seeing a bunch of stupid kid’s crap in his driveway every day

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And to think they were this close to buying that place down in Florida last year

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Should’ve changed the locks when I had the chance …

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The Obama Administration’s reckless pro-immigration policies cost Laura her well-paying job at CVS

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Either that, or the fact that she was stealing Vicodin

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She quickly checks the back seat for Mexican stowaways

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Mom is going to love that red, purple, and orange area rug

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After spending her entire life in captivity, Cindy is slowly reintroduced to the wild

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With gentle prodding, she reluctantly leaves safety of Grandpa’s 4 x 4 and takes first tentative steps in her new habitat

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Using her keen sense of smell, she picks up the scent of a potential predator nearby

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Instinctively, she freezes, trying to evade detection

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Too late

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A grandmother knows no greater joy than spending time with her grandchildren

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“Oh, God, there’s the little monster now …”

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When Hank discovers scratch marks on truck door, someone’s going to get a nostalgic belt beating

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Essential items for move back home include: a deflated U.S. Coast Guard life raft, a suitcase from 1953, a round table top without legs, a shadeless ceramic lamp, a nylon camping tent, and a girl’s bicycle

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And now a play-by-play account of perhaps the most awkward and depressing family reunion in the history of advertising:

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(1) Laura forcibly propels Cindy into Delores, who suddenly realizes that some kind of physical interaction with horrible girl is expected

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(2) As Cindy turns away in show of heartfelt indifference, Delores inspects her hair for lice

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(3) Cindy loosely drapes limp arms around Delores, hoping to avoid catching whatever disease turned her into an old hag; (4) Delores whispers to Cindy that she’ll be shipped off to an orphanage if she ever brings food into the living room

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(5) Cindy tries to flee while Delores tactfully asks Laura why child’s father didn’t love her enough to marry her

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Cindy thoroughly scrubs her tire treads with a toothbrush after every bike ride, so they always remain perfectly clean

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Unfortunately, she has no idea that Grandpa cut the brake cords when she wasn’t looking

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In attempt to kill two birds with one stone, Hank intends to blame accident on Sudanese kid adopted by the Petersons next door

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Laura gazes fondly at American-born teddy bear that helped get her through non-traumatic childhood

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At around the time Laura turned 10, Teddy lost his job to low-wage Australian Koala

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“You think I’m a loser, don’t you?”

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“No, no, honey – it’s not your fault that you spent four years of the college education we paid for getting high every night and partying with your friends, failed to graduate or attain any marketable skills, slept with every guy you met, and eventually got pregnant out-of-wedlock and had a child you couldn’t possibly afford and were too irresponsible to care for – it’s those damn immigrants.”

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“Thanks for not mentioning my gambling problem.”

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“You can stay as long as you like; and don’t worry about cleaning up after yourself – our Honduran housekeeper will take care of that.”

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“I’m so glad immigrants didn’t take your job as my father.”

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“Actually, I’m not your father – but your tramp of a mother can tell you more about that.”

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In symbolic protest against immigration, Cindy decides to turn the tables and move to Mexico

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She plans to find a job grooming pink ponies and send money back to mommy so she doesn’t have to take special medicine to help her stop crying

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She’ll have to sneak Squiggles, Mr. Mouse, and Milo the Monkey past border patrol

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An estimated 370 stuffed animals die trying to make the dangerous crossing each year

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Native Americans wish they’d thought of something like this in 1491

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Oh – there’s more …

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“Sometimes I worry that if any more foreign graduate students are allowed to remain in the U.S. after they get their doctoral degrees, I’ll never work as a cashier again.”

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“Also, I really hate Asians.”

Loathsomeness: 8.9

8 comments:

  1. This commercial synches up amazingly well with Metallica's Enter Sandman if you start both at the same time.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh, brother. Wanna bet that most of the people who fall for this think that an immigrant b.s'ed his way into the Oval Office?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Crafty Kenyan stole two jobs -- one from John McCain, and the other from Mitt Romney.

      Delete
  3. FYI

    Back in June of 2010, we found that only 1 job new job for each 20 new persons of working age were created in the decade 2000 to 2010. Effectively a 95% unemployment rate among this segment of the population.

    This post revisits the “Employment vs. Population Growth” concept, finding that lower immigration rates and better employment growth since 2010 has only adjusted the working age segment’s unemployment rate to 79.5% for the new century.

    http://immigration-weaver.blogspot.com/2013/05/updated-employment-vs-population-growth.html

    ReplyDelete
  4. How dare you throw relevant statistics at my hate mongering!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So, young working-age Americans are screwed whether we restrict immigrants or not? Then we might as well let 'em in. Misery loves company.

      Delete