Sunday, April 21, 2013

Kwik Fill “America”

Link 02A Logo 01A

Synopsis: A gas station attendant’s first day on the job turns into a hyper-patriotic demonstration of how to utter the words “America” or “American” 9 times in 25 seconds.

01
Jason would like to give Janet a kwik fill …

-0:03-

03
… but right now he’s too busy struggling to read this sign

-0:05-

05
“It’s pronounced, AMERICA.”

-0:05-

05A
“Are you talking about America?”

-0:06-

06
“American gas powers my Japanese car on trips to the Swedish store where I purchase furnishings for my Mexican winter home.”

-0:08-

08
“Did you get all that, viewing audience only I can see?”

-0:09-

09
“If you’d rather help promote global jihad, buy your gas from Shell.”

-0:09-

09A
Janet is impressed by customer’s knowledge of world oil markets

-0:10-

10
This is turning out to be a pretty awesome day

-0:10-

10A
Ken feels great about his gasoline, too

-0:11-

11
“Did you know that Osama bin Laden’s last words were, ‘Damn you, Kwik Fill?’”

-0:12-

12
“My truck doesn’t even need gas – I just like to come here to support America.”

-0:13-

13
“I’ve been pumping Super Unleaded into the storm drain for the past 20 minutes.”

-0:14-

14A
“Uh … what?”

-0:14-

14B
God, I am so stoned.

-0:15-

15
“Here in America, Americans prefer American-made products – and that’s good news for America.”

-0:15-

15B
“America America America.”

-0:16-

16
It takes two employees to properly wipe down poster frame

-0:18-

18
“But isn’t America’s over-dependence on fossil fuels like gasoline damaging to public health and the environment, regardless of where it comes from?”

-0:20-

20
“Nope.”

-0:20-

20A
There’s no way this commercial could get any more gratuitous …

-0:21-

21A
I stand corrected.

-0:22-

22
“Knowing Kwik Fill uses crude oil from the part of America that is actually Western Canada was the only thing that kept me going in Afghanistan.”

-0:22-

22A
“In fact, if it wasn’t completely absurd, you might say that Kwik Fill saved my life.”

-0:23-

23
American flag-decorated image of America appears against backdrop of American flag against backdrop of American cumulus clouds

-0:26-

26
Flag shows stars representing 24 states that voted for Mitt Romney

-0:28-

28
In conclusion, America.

Loathsomeness: 9.7

14 comments:

  1. Meanwhile, Tax Breaks for American companies that export American jobs overseas continue to be extremely popular in the American national legislature. What's not so popular? Bills which require that the American Government contract with American Companies that buy American materials and hire only Americans, and anything that encourages Americans to Buy American unless America also includes the Union-and-Minimum Wage-Free Marianas Islands.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Meanwhile, Uncle Sam's Retail Monster Box both benefits from this by selling us the most of everything and the best of nothing while wrapping itself in the flag as it treats its work force like chattel.

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    2. In response to these concerns, we can only say, America. And that's what makes America great.

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  2. Well, given how Alberta tends to act like it is America anyway, it's all red-white-and-blue, baby!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, Alberta -- America's new energy wasteland, with the great benefit of not actually being in America itself. By the time we've squeezed the last drop of oil out of those tar sands, its leading industry will be providing low-tax locations for post-apocalyptic Hollywood movies.

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  3. Surprised at the 9.7 this one garnered, bad though it may be. I just hope the fossils that went into this fossil fuel were American too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In our complex algorithmic loathsomeness formula, inane patriotic pandering is weighted heavily.

      Kwik Fill guarantees that its fossil fuel contains 100% American fossils, each of which has been subjected to a full background check to ensure its loyalty to the United States.

      Delete
    2. Here's a tune that synches up well for this one, starting at 15 seconds in.
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4tDP-yMwXI

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    3. Love it. Hugh Laurie is terrific. Too bad he's British -- he probably buys his gas at BP.

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  4. The clouds in the backdrop appear to be mostly stratus w/ maybe a touch of American citrus (source: I'm a meteorologist). What do you think the odds are that Mexican winter home lady is a Romney voting climate denier urging her Tea Party representative to take a bold no compromise stand on approving the Keystone pipeline?

    p.s. This blog is brilliant. Keep up the good work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *American cirrus. Autocorrect fail. Though if you talk to some of the people from where I live, you'll find that some people believe stranger things come from the sky

      Delete
    2. Thanks for the info and kind words, although now I'm going to have to fire my fact checker, right before Christmas. Too bad there isn't really such a thing as citrus clouds -- that would be pretty cool.

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    3. Oh no, keep your fact checker. I'm sure he/she is a swell person. I'll give a rare A for effort. Plus, now that I'm seeing my original comment it comes across as way more pretentious than I had intended (a "mitigating factor" if you will!).

      I stand by my winter home lady comment, she just looks like the kind of person that doesn't mind a little oil in her aquifer.

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    4. No worries -- I respect an eye for detail, and obviously you have the credentials to back it up. As a rule, I never argue about clouds with a meteorologist. Truth be told, I was lucky to have come up with "cumulus." Kind of the default cloud, if you will.

      Agreed re Winter Home Lady.

      Delete

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