Tuesday, April 2, 2013

NOM “Victories”

Link 01A Logo 03B

Synopsis: Trying to rally dispirited members and donors after adverse developments in New York and elsewhere, the anti-equality National Organization for Marriage takes a break from selectively reciting the Old Testament to recap recent fleeting victories in the War on Love.

Best way to punish big corporations is to purchase their products for express purpose of not consuming them


Jesus died on the cross so this moron could throw away a $2.25 cup of Caffe Verona


Satanic gay-friendly beverage dissolves virtuous concrete


That’ll teach Starbucks to defy God


Courageous act of civil disobedience evokes Gandhi and Dr. King


Now the alligators are going to be up all night


Finally – an organization to defend the rights of oppressed Christian heterosexuals


Karen tearfully recounts how she was persecuted for not wanting to marry another woman


When she walks down the street with her opposite-sex spouse, everyone points and stares


Next up on Indiana legislative calendar: joint resolution condemning heliocentric model of solar system


“I feel truly blessed to have grown up with both a mother and a father,” said Tucson resident Jared Loughner, shortly before his sentencing.


So, I guess we’ll also be banning divorce, then?


Or, at least, 53% of America


Other constitutionally permissible marital arrangements include: one man & one woman & one Argentinian mistress (Mark Sanford, R-SC), one man & one woman & one campaign aide’s wife (John Ensign, R-NV), one man & one woman & one prostitute (David Vitter, R-LA)
, and one man & one woman & one random dude in an airport bathroom stall (Larry Craig, R-ID)


NOM forbids pink highlight pens


Fayetteville residents gather to play Hungry Hungry Homophobes


Only in America could standing in line to buy fast food be considered a noble form of political protest


Eileen Travis strikes a blow for traditional family values and chronic obesity while riding in car manufactured by company that actually supports gay marriage


Average age of people who still give a shit whether gays get married is 62


Spurred by outpouring of public support, restaurant chain vowed that, in addition to opposing gay marriage, it will also stop serving meat from gay chickens


34% of GOP debate attendees have cheated on their spouse; another 40% would jump at the chance if they knew someone else who didn’t find them repulsive


Not pictured: Jon Huntsman


Michele Bachmann smiles at incredibly gay husband in audience


Ron Paul is opposed to gay marriage.  He’s also opposed to fluoride.


Thrice-wedded serial adulterer and open marriage proponent Newt Gingrich signed pledge while hitting on FedEx delivery woman


“After spending thousands of hours reviewing accounts and depictions of homosexual practices, I have concluded that gay unions represent a grave threat to the American way of life, although I will be conducting further research before releasing my final report.”


Unfortunately, none signed pledge not to lose election


Targeted web ads (right) show that typical gay marriage opponent is a troubled alcoholic …


… who thinks Chevy hatchbacks are really cool cars


If amendment had failed, traditional wedding cake ornament would be replaced with culinary display of Rosie O’Donnell having sex with some other skanky lesbian on top of American flag


A vote to prevent people from getting married is a vote for marriage.  In other news, day is night.


“I am pleased to announce that, with 86% of precincts reporting, North Carolina has passed a discriminatory constitutional amendment that will either be struck down by the U.S. Supreme Court or be repealed by another statewide referendum within four years.”


Linda Jackson is proud to live in a state that wouldn’t allow her to marry a white man until 1971 and still wouldn’t mind so much if she decided to move someplace else


Victory for bigotry makes everyone smile


Even after eight months of intensive conversion therapy, NOM President Brian Brown still can’t stop Satan from replaying David Beckham’s underwear commercial over and over again in his mind


NOM officials excitedly spot Jesus descending from heaven seconds before he turns them into salt


Seven North Carolina counties voted against the amendment; four others were so embarrassed that they seceded from the state


Green represents areas where you don’t want your car to break down


We’ll see how that works out.


By the end of the year, these troglodytic idiots won’t even have enough money for a PowerPoint presentation.

Loathsomeness: 9.6


  1. If G-d created the marriage covenant to provide for procreation and the raising of children,

    1. Ban marriages between people who do not intend to have children,

    2. Require men to divorce women who turn out to be infertile, or at least make it illegal to have non-productive sex with them,

    3. Ban women who are no longer fertile from getting married,

    4. Ban divorce for married couples who are fertile.

    Come on, Homophobic Bigots- put your medieval BS "values" where your mouth is.

    1. #1 invalidates my own marriage, which annoys me to no end when I hear some of the debates going on.

    2. It would have invalidated mine too, Toaster. My fiancee and I had to lie to a Catholic Priest about wanting to have children so we could get married in a church and make her mother happy. And why did we have to lie? Because the church could not accept the idea of two people wanting to live together for the rest of their lives with that church's blessing.

    3. No, you should not have had to lie...yet you were able to and to do what you want. (My husband and I were both raised Catholic too, but we avoided THAT issue by getting married outside the church, non-believers that we are.)

      It's ridiculous that gay people are denied the same right.

    4. Children are very important to the Catholic Church. Without them, how could it continue attract sexually abusive priests?

    5. ^ I really shouldn't have laughed so hard at this...

    6. It's OK, fa6458d4-ad6e-11e2-8fd5-000bcdcb2996. No one will know.

    7. This reminds me of one of my fave jokes of all time:
      A doctor, a lawyer , and a priest are on the deck of the Titanic when it hits the iceberg. Sirens blare, people start running and screaming, and the doctor yells,"Save the women and children 1st! Save the women and children 1st!"
      The lawyer says, "Fuck the children."
      The priest says, "Is there time?"

    8. Regarding the lawyer -- being one of them, I feel like I should be offended. Yet it rings so true ...

      Regarding the priest -- yeah, they've got a little public relations problem there.

    9. Fuck you ass-holes.

    10. Succinct and to the point. However, if I may make one minor criticism, "assholes" usually is not hyphenated.

    11. Those values are older than the medieval period. They're "dawn-of-civilization old".

    12. And what was good enough for the Mesopotamians should be good enough for us.

  2. Amazing how this 'moral values' bullshit never takes aim at more controversial, possibly racially charged REAL topics such as teenagers shooting and killing babies while their mothers are pushing them in strollers, young women being held down and raped in Chicago subways while teens are running wild along the Magnificent Mile, or high school football players in Ohio are raping 9th grade girls at alcohol fuelled house parties. Glad to know that American morals and values are targeting the real villains such as gay people (who usually don't have kids, DO have jobs, DO pay taxes, don't break the law)...these NOM people are such fuckwits.

    1. Don't forget "illegals," who grow our food, maintain our roads and build our houses on the cheap, pay sales taxes and can expect to collect absolutely zero in Social Security benefits for as long as they don't have a number, and have the unmitigated gall to send their kids to OUR schools for an education.

    2. If illegal immigrants are sending their kids to our schools for an education, they're likely to be sorely disappointed.

    3. P.S. Everything that happens in Chicago is Obama's fault, because he used to live there.

    4. What toronto said, all the way.

      As a Jew (at least ethnically, if not currently practicing) it always strikes me as particularly baffling how certain Christians can pick one passage out of Leviticus and beat it into the ground like a tent peg. For those not boned up on their bronze-age literature, Leviticus contains no fewer than 613 Mitzvot (what would typically be called commandments or laws) for the Israelites to follow. Somehow the other 612 non-homosexuality-condemning ones fell out of favor at some point, perhaps because cotton and polyester is such a comfy combination, or because long beards don't mix well with factory machinery, or because lobster is yummy.

      I'm not too knowledgeable about the
      historical specifics of early Christianity, but if I'm not mistaken, John the Baptist came along and essentially said "Hey, that complicated Jewish stuff is old n' busted. Jesus is ALL you need." This is presumably why Christians today don't celebrate stuff like Sukkot (in spike of Jesus being a carpenter and probably being able to hammer together a mean Sukkah).

      In light of all of this, the fact that these cats can quote the Old Testament at us all with a straight face is frankly just hilarious.

    5. Right on. As an aside, I love how ultra-conservative American Christians politically embrace Israel and Jewish rights in the Middle East, but only because they hate Muslims. They'll bash the Obama Administration for not being sufficiently pro-Israel, but if one of their daughters wanted to marry a Jew, they'd flip out. Because, you know, Jews are going to hell.

    6. To correct the Jewish gentleman above. It was Saul of Tarsus, commonly identified as St. Paul in church literature, who advised G_d fearers and gentiles they no longer needed to adhere to the Mitzvot.

  3. "Children are very important to the Catholic Church. Without them, how could it continue attract sexually abusive priests?" I laughed so hard I almost cried! I'm so glad this site exists!

    1. The Church may be very conservative when it comes to marriage, but it has a rather liberal interpretation of "celibacy," doesn't it?

      Glad you like the site. If you join us on Facebook, we promise not to go out of existence, unless the Vatican or shadowy North Korean hackers shut us down.

  4. It bothers me that marriage is being 'defended' by vermin who can't or won't see that there are more pressing problems than who marries whom. The country's economy is in the toilet, the infrastructure is crumbling to bits and the education system is falling to bits but everything will be okay if we stop one group of people from marrying. Good God!! We need an amendment that says people have to pass a freaking IQ test to run for Congress/Parliament more than anything else. That would REALLY sink the GOP!!!!

    1. I think heterosexual married conservatives are missing a real opportunity here. If gay marriage becomes the law of the land, thereby destroying the institution of marriage, future extramarital affairs would have to be viewed in a different light:

      Cheating Husband to Jilted Wife: "Honey, I know you're upset; but after the gays made our marriage meaningless, there was no longer any reason for me not to bang my secretary."

    2. See what I mean? They're too damned stupid to see an opportunity to turn being a son-of-a-bitch into a virtue!!

  5. Just you watch - within 10 years of universal legal gay marriage becoming the law of the land, increasingly irrelevant and rapidly aging right-wing conservatives will desperately try to reach out to the married gay community to bolster their numbers.
    When the bitter laughter stops, doors will strike noses. It will be wonderful to behold.

    1. Well, I don't see how that's possible, since within ten years of universal gay marriage, American society will have completely collapsed due to immoral homosexual unions.


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