Thursday, May 23, 2013

ADT “Two Tiny Reasons”

Link 02 Logo 01C

Synopsis: A couple of insufferable new parents wants the world to know that they’ve outsourced their grandiose fears of becoming the victims of a home invasion to some college dropout sitting by the phone in a cubicle 300 miles away.

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Tiny Reason No. 1 can’t neurologically process complex images, yet still perceives that her parents are nitwits

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03
Tiny Reason No. 2 wonders if E*TRADE Baby is ever going to call

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03A   Parents’ top priority is safety, which is why they put aquarium big enough to submerge newborns in nursery

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04 
Soon they’ll be old enough for their first Cricketts

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04A
Neighbor’s attempt to defend home by scattering shards of glass near potential entry points was a miserable failure

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05
Intruder apparently became enraged when he discovered that most valuable item in house was “Kung Fu Panda” DVD

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05A
Officer Jones has never seen anything like this in his nine-and-a-half days on the force

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05B 
Congressional subcommittee will later demand to know why Hillary Clinton ignored family’s pleas for more security

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06
The Burglar's Code requires that at least two lamps be overturned during every break-in, but dumping vase of flowers is optional

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06A   Alex is temporarily blinded by exposed CFL bulb

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06B
On plus side, he’ll be allowed to skip piano lesson for first night since emerging from mother’s womb

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06C
Michelle was charged with one count of refusing to install an ADT security system and one count of watering her ornamental plants during drought conditions

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06D
If only she’d cared more about exceedingly remote chance that middle-class suburban home would be broken into than trying to save money for her child’s education

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07
ADT will see her in hell

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07A
Police sirens suddenly go supernova

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07B
“Unlike our irresponsible pagan neighbor who has a wacky elephant man shrine in her closet, we put our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.  But what if He’s busy?”

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07C
“I mean, I can’t monitor the house, watch over my babies, and write blog posts about what a great mom I am all at the same time.”

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08
“If someone tried to attack us, do you think this doofus standing next to me would be able to do anything about it?”

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08A
“He can’t even work up the courage to cancel our Netflix account.”

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09
“Good observation, honey.  Did that come to you while you were pouring your third glass of wine?”

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09A
His sideburns are the only ones who understand him

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10 
“Do you know how much perfect white babies like ours are worth on the open market?”

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10A
“Seriously – do you?  Because we really only need one.”

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10B
Greg actually stole ADT yard sign, never ordered service

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11
“Marsha’s been punching our ‘security code’ into an old calculator I glued to the wall for the past six months.”

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11A
“Who’s the doofus now?”

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14 
Great bargain for a system you’ll stop turning on after three weeks because it’s a total pain in the ass

Loathsomeness: 8.0

5 comments:

  1. Let's just hope that Comcast or some other big cable company doesn't ape what one of the biggies up here is doing: selling its own pain-in-the-ass home monitoring system by telling people how irresponsible they are for depending on a phone line to protect them.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think Time Warner recently started doing that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, poo. It was bound to happen sooner or later......

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  3. Had an ADT Security unit installed. The person installing put it on a wall without an electrical outlet, and used an extension cord (which was draped across my entrance) to give it electrical power. adt reviews

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can think of more than two tiny reasons why that's insane.

      Delete

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