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Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Ageless Male “Boost”

Link 01 Logo 02C

Synopsis: A fake drug company offers fake pills to treat a fake condition in exchange for real money from real idiots who are going to be really disappointed when they discover that there’s no cure for getting old.

01
Ageless Male spokesman looks like your Uncle Mike after three days in Pensacola

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03 
Why didn’t I get the Henderson account?  How come I’m not the one banging Jim’s new secretary?

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03A
Mugger easily spots Low-T jogger in mustard track suit

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06
Sensing threat from more powerful male, Fred pre-emptively adopts posture that has come to define his life

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06
Kara gazes ruefully at pathetic husk of once-virile husband

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07
Looks like it’s going to be another night of AA batteries and “Fifty Shades of Grey”

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09A
Ageless Male’s work is considered so vital, its headquarters was built to withstand a nuclear attack

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12
Subject 33 runs on treadmill under supervision of his dental hygienist while Subject 18 requires help of spotter to lift 20-pound barbell

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21
Pursuant to company rules, minimum age of male lab workers is 52, maximum age of female lab workers is 26

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21A
Employees are encouraged to have clinically-proven sex with one another on any flat surface

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24
Even his hair looks confident

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27
Captive Serbian war criminal is forced to run 50 miles in pitch-black underground tunnel to demonstrate effectiveness

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Footnote: “Seek immediate medical assistance if you have a feeling of rejuvenation lasting longer than four hours.”

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30
Daily hair removal treatments not included

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33 
Rigorous Weight Training + Ageless Male – Ageless Male = Increased Muscle Mass

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36
Lydia still strongly suspects that Brad is gay – but as long as he can keep knocking it out of the park, who cares!

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41
Subject 33 attains peak performance next to infrared image of Shroud of Turin (left) while his urine sample awaits further analysis on nearby lab table (right)

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42 
The personification of youth and vitality

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43
Dr. Clair’s medical school diploma is written on cellophane

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45
No phony doctor would wear a jacket that says “M.D.”

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51 
Call from FBI comes at a bad time

-0:54-

54
Dr. Clair is just two boat payments away from admitting to a bartender in St. Croix that the whole thing was a scam

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57
Billy Bob Thornton now has the strength to remove large objects he finds washed up on the beach, like Sandra Bullock

-1:01-

101
Tim’s remains were discovered months later lodged in a crevasse

-1:02-

102
The crows that fed on his carcass reported having more energy and greater sex drive

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123
Hot Asian technician monitors beaker of Windex while trying to resist urge to throw herself at nearest testosterone-enhanced colleague

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126
“I just strangled an endangered Sumatran rhino with my bare hands, then ate it raw.”

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131
Before Ageless Male, Andrew was deathly afraid of women and lawn sprinklers – but look at him now!

-1:31-

131B 
According to manufacturer’s own disclaimer, product doesn’t do shit

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132
Since he started taking Ageless Male, Richard feels like he can accomplish anything – even dive into the shallow end of a Best Western swimming pool

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134
Unfortunately, the paramedics didn’t arrive until after he realized he was wrong

-1:48-

148 
Ageless Male inspires Vincent to twirl young woman he encounters on the shore before she’s able to escape and call for help

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154
Now they’re ready for a game of rugby

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156
Ageless Male comes in giant, three-foot-tall bottles that users can stare at for motivation while skipping rope in their basements

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159
Snickering operators are standing by

Loathsomeness: 6.4

12 comments:

  1. I discovered this site several days ago and I think you are hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks! Please join us on Facebook, if you're into that, and share us with your friends.

    Um ... okay, that last part sounded weird. But you know what we mean.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Great. Good to see that selling snake oil will never go out of style. Then again, given the endless supply of idiots who think "Doesn't do sweet dick all? Sign me up!!", why should it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think calling it snake oil is offensive to snakes. Snakes never lose their edge.

      Delete
    2. Drugs, Shmugs. Know what REALLY boosts Testosterone? SHOOTIN' SOMETHIN!

      Delete
    3. 1 Bottle of Ageless Male + 1 Bottle of Jim Beam + 1 AR-15 Assault Rifle = 1 Really Awesome Day

      Delete
  4. I literally laughed until I cried. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stop it -- you'll only encourage me.

      Delete
  5. he looks like the guy from American Werewolf in London at 50.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is the funniest website since The Onion !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you!

      Now if only we could get one millionth of their traffic ...

      Delete

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