Synopsis: In a commercial that seems like it’s been running continuously for the last seven years, a bitingly sarcastic young woman channels Allstate’s baritone-voiced pitchman, Dennis Haysbert, to refute her boyfriend’s contention that men are better drivers than women, based solely on the fact that she, representing less than .000000001% of all female motorists, happened to receive a “safe driving bonus check” from a lousy insurance company that will deny knowing her three times before the cock crows if she ever tries to file a claim.
It begins as a typical Saturday lunch at the café – Eric wonders if his coffee has been poisoned while Becca explores the mysterious inner realm of human consciousness
Suddenly, for the first time in recorded history, a woman dredges up an idle comment that her boyfriend or husband made long ago for intensive cross-examination
Becca generally likes to wait at least six weeks before objecting to remarks she finds offensive
Now Eric wishes his coffee was poisoned
Eric believes that men are superior drivers. Eric also believes that Spiderman is based on a true story, and that this will be the year it all comes together for the Mariners. In other words, Eric is not a guy most people bother arguing with.
Becca reaches into her empowerment purse to retrieve official documentation of her feminine driving skills
Lifeless body of GEICO Gecko tumbles out onto the floor
Haysbert’s voice is strangely compelling, but she’d better not pull that shit while they’re having sex
Yeah, an engagement ring will be coming real soon …
“What’s that, Dennis? You want me to stab him in the neck with my salad fork?”
What do you bet she also keeps a collection of creepy-looking dolls from her childhood?
Hotter girl at next table somehow manages to eat her lunch without giving vindictive lecture on auto insurance
Eric could learn a lot from those breadsticks
Tonight she’ll put this back in its gold leaf frame over her bed
Becca pauses a moment to ovulate
“My agent also told me to stop calling him at 3:00 AM.”
Is there a crazy bitch discount?
Becca strategically keeps her fingers over part of the check that says it’s actually a retroactive credit for daytime running lights
Also, the check is made out to her roommate …
… who she ran over as she was leaving for the café
Joey warned me this chick was a psycho …
I should just leave and let her pay for lunch with that fucking check.
Those dicks over there are laughing at me.
If there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to elicit a favorable response from a man, it’s thrusting a piece of paper at his face
“Congratulations on not getting into an auto accident for a whole six months.”
“How long do you think you can go without another shoplifting arrest?”
“Are you allowed back into Target yet?”
“Silence! Or the scary man who lives in my throat will come out and kick your ass!”
You can be confident they don’t cover wind damage
“Remember when I played the President on ‘24’? I do this now.”
Don’t spend that $3 all in one place, Safe Driver
“Tell them Dennis Haysbert and the pink shirt he repeatedly said he didn’t want to wear sent you.“
“Also tell them Dennis Haysbert gets his money upfront next time.”