Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Allstate “Silence”

Link 01 Logo 01A

Synopsis: In a commercial that seems like it’s been running continuously for the last seven years, a bitingly sarcastic young woman channels Allstate’s baritone-voiced pitchman, Dennis Haysbert, to refute her boyfriend’s contention that men are better drivers than women, based solely on the fact that she, representing less than .000000001% of all female motorists, happened to receive a “safe driving bonus check” from a lousy insurance company that will deny knowing her three times before the cock crows if she ever tries to file a claim.

00
It begins as a typical Saturday lunch at the café – Eric wonders if his coffee has been poisoned while Becca explores the mysterious inner realm of human consciousness

-0:01-

01
Suddenly, for the first time in recorded history, a woman dredges up an idle comment that her boyfriend or husband made long ago for intensive cross-examination

-0:02-

02 
Becca generally likes to wait at least six weeks before objecting to remarks she finds offensive

-0:03-

03 
Now Eric wishes his coffee was poisoned

-0:04-

04
Eric believes that men are superior drivers. Eric also believes that Spiderman is based on a true story, and that this will be the year it all comes together for the Mariners. In other words, Eric is not a guy most people bother arguing with.

-0:05-

05 
Becca reaches into her empowerment purse to retrieve official documentation of her feminine driving skills

-0:05-

05A
Lifeless body of GEICO Gecko tumbles out onto the floor

-0:05-

05B 
Haysbert’s voice is strangely compelling, but she’d better not pull that shit while they’re having sex

-0:06-

06
Yeah, an engagement ring will be coming real soon …

-0:06-

06A
“What’s that, Dennis?  You want me to stab him in the neck with my salad fork?”

-0:07-

07
What do you bet she also keeps a collection of creepy-looking dolls from her childhood?

-0:07-

07A
Hotter girl at next table somehow manages to eat her lunch without giving vindictive lecture on auto insurance

-0:08-

08
Eric could learn a lot from those breadsticks

-0:10-

10
Tonight she’ll put this back in its gold leaf frame over her bed

-0:10-

10A
Becca pauses a moment to ovulate

-0:11-

11A
“My agent also told me to stop calling him at 3:00 AM.”

-0:13-

13
Is there a crazy bitch discount?

-0:14-

14 
Becca strategically keeps her fingers over part of the check that says it’s actually a retroactive credit for daytime running lights

-0:16-

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Also, the check is made out to her roommate …

-0:17-

17
… who she ran over as she was leaving for the café

-0:18-

18
Joey warned me this chick was a psycho …

-0:18-

18A
I should just leave and let her pay for lunch with that fucking check.

-0:19-

19
Those dicks over there are laughing at me.

-0:21-

21
If there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to elicit a favorable response from a man, it’s thrusting a piece of paper at his face

-0:22-

22
“Congratulations on not getting into an auto accident for a whole six months.”

-0:22-

22A
“How long do you think you can go without another shoplifting arrest?”

-0:23-

23
“Are you allowed back into Target yet?”

-0:24-

24
“Silence!  Or the scary man who lives in my throat will come out and kick your ass!”

-0:25-

25
You can be confident they don’t cover wind damage

-0:26-

26
“Remember when I played the President on ‘24’?  I do this now.”

-0:26-

26B
Don’t spend that $3 all in one place, Safe Driver

-0:28-

28
“Tell them Dennis Haysbert and the pink shirt he repeatedly said he didn’t want to wear sent you.“

-0:29-

29 
“Also tell them Dennis Haysbert gets his money upfront next time.”

Loathsomeness: 7.2

28 comments:

  1. http://www.thecommercialcurmudgeon.com/2013/02/statefarms-ad-men-obviously-skipped.html

    Yep, did this one a while back, still makes me cringe whenever I see it. The Stupid! It Burns!

    How about a commercial where the guy says "studies show that men understand logic and statistics better than women" and is interrupted by this idiot who knows a female somewhere who got her Master's in Statistics, "proving" the guy wrong. It wouldn't make any less sense than this pile of dumb.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You beat me to it again. Sounds like we're on the same page.

      I've concluded that global warming is a myth, because it was unseasonably cool in the precise geographic location where I happen to live on a particular day last week.

      Delete
    2. If it snows somewhere in May, that's proof that Global Warming is an Al Gore/George Soros manufactured scam designed to bring down Capitalism.

      If a heat wave kills 5000 people in Europe in July and the first frosts don't hit Vermont until late October and several islands in the Indian Ocean cease to exist and New York now has the climate Georgia had forty years ago, well...remember when it snowed in that place in May?

      Delete
    3. Oh, for Pete's sake.

      IT WAS A JOKE! OBVIOUSLY MY LOCAL WEATHER ON A GIVEN DAY IS NOT A CLIMATE TREND!

      Oh, and John, 200 people actually did die in Europe last December from unseasonable cold.

      http://www.abc.net.au/news/2012-12-22/deadly-cold-snap-sweeps-across-eastern-europe/4441136

      Delete
    4. Guys, guys ... can we please get back to Dennis Haysbert?

      Delete
  2. This whole thing literally had me laughing out loud.

    My favorite bit: "Becca generally likes to wait at least six weeks before objecting to remarks she finds offensive."
    In an 'I must laugh or else I would cry' way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think that and "Suddenly, for the first time in recorded history, a woman dredges up an idle comment that her boyfriend or husband made long ago for intensive cross-examination" must be geared more towards the male fans of the Planet...

      ...let's have one for the ladies next time! ;)

      Delete
    2. All in good fun. Cue Ann Romney's oft-replayed declaration at last year's Republican National Convention: "I love you women!"

      Delete
    3. This was one for the ladies...wasn't it?
      Cue this posting being mentioned again in about six weeks :)

      Delete
    4. Hopefully not by Dennis Haysbert.

      I love how the guy in the commercial is so clueless that he doesn't even try to dissemble on his prior remark -- instead, he doubles down ("Yeah, of course I remember when I said that men are superior drivers. It's so obvious. In fact, I said it again just the other day. Why?")

      Delete
  3. In an ironic twist of fate, she displayed the check constantly on the car dashboard until, on the very day it expired, it blew onto the windshield, obscuring her vision and caused a multiple car pile-up for which she was deemed entirely responsible. Her deductible rocketed into the stratosphere, forcing her to take the bus.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In a second ironic twist, the bus driver turned out to be Dennis Haysbert.

      I've decided that I'm going to try to work Dennis Haysbert into every comment I make from now on.

      Delete
    2. A high deductible in no way forces a person to take the bus.

      Delete
  4. This one synches up nicely with Iron Maiden's Number of the Beast.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9kT37eIkaY

    ReplyDelete
  5. How is that proof that men aren't superior drivers? I'm not even saying they are. It just makes no logical sense. I mean really, what a gigantic leap. 'I have somehow been able to stay accident free for half a year, therefore, my entire gender are superior drivers to your gender.' Um...WHAT?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If we followed the logic of this commercial, we'd have to conclude that annoying, insecure girlfriends have inferior reasoning skills.

      Delete
  6. Has anyone noticed the insurance industry's not isolated use of mad women who are, it seems, purposely castigating their male significant others? Think State Farm's commercial with the mad wife in housecoat accusing husband of some kind of phone shenanigans. This commercial is about the same thing with a different script and different "heads". I take some comfort knowing these people are acting as I see a trying future for the man if this really was his mate.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I see a trying future for this man if I wade in too deeply on the issue of castigatory women. But given the way insurance ads portray men (see State Farm "Jimmy"), I'd say the industry hates both sexes equally.

      Delete
    2. The wife who grabs the phone out the poor guys hand in the State Farm commercial defines the word "shrew." If an ad showed a man doing the exact same thing, it would cause an outcry that domestic abuse was being treated as humorous.

      Delete
    3. Who would ever treat domestic abuse as humorous? Oh, wait:

      Cleveland Cavaliers "All In"

      Delete
  7. Haha all around. Maybe the State Farm guy should wear his khaki-wearing self over there and help tame that shrew.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Personally, I don't think he has it in him.

      Delete
  8. I like how she asks him a question and then immediately says "Silence!". That's the way I ask questions.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You must be quite the conversationalist.

      Delete
  9. I cant stand this commercial. I feel bad for her boyfriend. Sounds like a real passive aggressive bitch....Id be willing to bet he would have dumped her ass a long time a go if they were really dating. They overplay this commercial so effing much every time I see her face I just want to punch the TV screen. Congratulations. You went 6 months without an accident and got a 3 dollar check. Since you are such a feminist, and "great driver", you can use that check to pay for my lunch and having to sit here and endure listening to your annoying ass voice. Now eat your salad and stfu. UUUGH and as I type this, the commercial just came on AGAIN. I swear, I wouldn't purchase Allstate insurance solely on this annoying commercial.

    ReplyDelete
  10. So with this s insurance company you just got broadsided by another driver--why the he** is your insurance paying anything ITS THE OTHER GUYS FAULT!!!

    ReplyDelete

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