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Thursday, June 20, 2013

Jared “Red Hot”

Link 02 Logo 02A

Synopsis: A 32-year-old woman returning from a Christian couples retreat in Tennessee with her emotionally detached husband creates an inexplicably awkward moment when she coyly implies to a nosey stranger that her marriage still retains a trace of passion by disclosing that a gaudy, heart-encrusted charm on her Pandora bracelet is called the “Red Hot Love Bead.”

00
Typical scene at U.S. airport in 2013: gate waiting area, completely devoid of screaming children or confused old people, filled with well-dressed travelers shunning electronic devices in favor of books and newspapers, while all-white, logoless jet is readied for boarding

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01
Mary checks purse to make sure she has souvenir Jesus fish stickers for kids’ bikes as fellow passenger Jan surreptitiously scans contents for undeclared liquids or gels

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02
Box cutter charm was confiscated by TSA

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03
“Why, yes – it is a lovely bracelet, New Best Friend!”

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03A
“My husband bought it for me with money he saved up from working two jobs, but everything comes from the Lord, so He really deserves all the credit.”

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04
“It’s like Jesus went to Jared – right, honey?”

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04A
“Awww, so shy – no wonder you can’t pee in front of other people.”

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05 
Jan begins her charm offensive

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06 
She immediately zeros in on trinket smaller than her fingernail

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06A 
Microscope reveals that $45 was flushed down the toilet

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06B
“I used to be a dancer, before I realized that ballet is a form of devil worship and also that I really suck at it.”

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07 
I can’t believe they’re actually showing this on TV …

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08
“It’s called the Red Hot Love Bead.  It has to do with naked bodies.”

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“I saw my hubby naked once when he was in the shower.”

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09A
“Afterwards he told me where babies come from.”

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10
Jan is flabbergasted by oblique allusion to marital sex

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10A
Mary revels in her naughtiness

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“Ooo – I feel like such a slut!”

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11A 
Truth be told, they haven’t had red hot anything in at least ten years

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12 
If John squints really hard, he can imagine that his wife is Katy Perry

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13
He’ll have to flagellate himself an extra twenty minutes when he gets home, but it’s totally worth it

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15
Which bead symbolizes the Internet porn that’s actually holding this marriage together?

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Alternative bracelet for loveless women features popular “Ice Cold Bitch Bead”

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Somehow this is deemed equivalent in value to 18 holes of golf and a couple of beers back at the clubhouse

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25
“Does that soccer ball represent some kind of debauchery as well?”

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“I just like soccer – it’s not perverted or anything.”

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“Although I do have a teeny-weeny crush on David Beckham.”

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27A 
“His underpants commercials give me lots of tingly woman feelings.”

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28
“John says that’s adultery, but I looked it up and it’s actually not.”

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28A
No man has ever entered this building without silently wishing that giant fiberglass diamond would fall off facade and strike him dead

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30 
In the Galleria, no one can hear you scream

Loathsomeness: 7.5

14 comments:

  1. The phrase "red hot love bead" should not be followed by "mother's day" a mere five seconds later.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Like the people in all the Christian Mingle ads, it is inconceivable that this woman ever, ever has sex.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But, that bead on her charm bracelet -- it's called "red hot." Didn't you hear? RED HOT, John.

      Delete
  3. Wait till her husband comes home from the brokerage firm to announce that he's decided that Jesus wants him to be a youth minister and he'll be pulling in MAYBE $19,000 next year. She'll be looking for pawn shop willing to loan her gas money on that charm bracelet inside a week.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Let's see, now. Looks like about 20 charms, at 45 bucks a piece ...

      Delete
  4. Jared should market an 'ALL Red Hot Love Bead' bracelet which doubles as a hot love-making aid that you shove up your @ss. Come to think of it, leaving it in your @ss might make the airport waiting lounge more bearable, and there's always the possibility of an interesting security check.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Come on, now ... this is a family site. But see their new product line, "Jared After Dark."

      Delete
  5. Haha one of my favorites so far :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Personally, I would love a Pandora bracelet full of box-cutter charms. Maybe one or two Ice-Cold Bitch beads just to break it up a little.

    ReplyDelete

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