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Thursday, June 13, 2013

Kay Jewelers “Stepdad”

Link 01 Logo 01C

Synopsis: An out-of-work bartender who wormed his way into a single mother’s life six months after her husband tragically died of lymphoma attempts to win over his new fiancée's withdrawn young daughter by making a series of creepy overtures on her swing set and offering her tawdry, age-inappropriate jewelry.

00 
Rob sizes up Abby for future predation while Karen blissfully enjoys setting table for three again

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01
Repurposed swing set was originally used as gallows to hang Lincoln conspirators

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02
“You know that your real father’s never coming back, right?”

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03
“He might as an angry ghost and kill you for sleeping with Mommy.”

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04
“Food for thought, isn’t it?”

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04B
Karen hopes her daughter will grow to love shiftless freeloader with questionable past just as much as she does

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06
He’s so cute when he’s relatively sober

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06A
“What are you – 16, 17 … ?”

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07
“Are you good at keeping secrets?”

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07B
“Here’s a little something I bought with your mom’s money.”

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08
“If you don’t like it, I can trade it for drugs.”

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09
“<Gasp> you went to … oh – Kay Jewelers …”

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10 
Pendant represents retailer’s timeless desire to sell crap

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11 
Box smells like Arby’s at mall food court

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11A
“Hey, Mom – Rob just gave me a special present and told me that wine tastes like grape juice!”

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13
“He also said we should never Google him on the computer.”

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13A
Karen notices that daughter’s necklace appears to be worth at least twice as much as hers

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14
She’ll swap them later when Abby is asleep

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15 
While no one was paying attention, Jane Seymour broke into family’s home and helped herself to a cup of tea

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17
It took her extraordinary creative talents to come up with the novel idea of using hearts to symbolize love

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18
In Thailand, same design is a branding tattoo used by sex traffickers

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19
Sure, you could spend that $1,400 to prevent three dozen African kids from dying of starvation, but then you wouldn’t be able to give a loved one an ugly piece of jewelry that they’ll grudgingly wear once a year solely to avoid hurting your feelings

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21 
Experts have determined that second trinket from left depicts either a head profile of Jane Seymour or a badly diseased human ear

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22
Jane receives written notice from Kay Jewelers that, effective tomorrow, she’s being replaced by a finger-painting chimpanzee

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23
“Now it’s like we’re both marrying him!”

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24
“In his church, that’s permitted.”

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25
“We can’t wait to move to Provo!”

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26
Abby endures Rob’s boozy embrace long enough to swipe his wallet

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27
“Thank you for trying to buy my daughter’s affection.”

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27A
“That odd way you stare at her really shows you care.”

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28
Abby looks to see if cab she called earlier has arrived

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29 
Some kisses end with felony charges

Loathsomeness: 7.7

8 comments:

  1. Maybe the kid can get the chimp to fling its poo at Step-dork. That'd make for a more entertaining ad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was thinking, there's a girl who really does need a Crickett.

      Delete
  2. I always thought the "Open Heart Collection" pieces looked like frilly crowbars.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You might be able to use the big one as a trailer hitch in a pinch.

      Delete
  3. Thanks for doing this one; I couldn't bring myself to snark on it; just too creepy for my taste.

    Reminded me of those Just For Men commercials where the two little girls are begging their dad to start dating again- something that has never, ever happened in real life in the history of the Universe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But the creepiness is what makes it so special.

      I know the Just For Men commercial. I wanted to do that one when it came out but couldn't find a decent clip. Such a shame.

      Delete
  4. I always thought the design looked like boobs and a butt.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ironically, Jane Seymour has neither -- although, to be fair, she was pretty hot back in the day.

      Delete

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