State Farm “Jimmy”

 

Synopsis: After being involved in a minor rear-end collision, an unfazed State Farm policyholder magically teleports his claims rep to the accident scene while, attempting to save face, the other driver is only able to conjure up his feckless mother and a small portion of her kitchen, to the impertinent delight of his eight-year-old son.

 
Family vacation to Death Valley isn’t starting out well

-0:01-

Only two cars on 100-mile stretch of flat, barren highway somehow managed to collide with each other in broad daylight

-0:02-

Rear bumper detached without sustaining any visible sign of impact

-0:03-

On his first trip outside Utah, Jimmy’s son Sam is mystified by the sight of an unpixelated African-American

-0:05-

“Dad?  Are we in a McDonald’s commercial?”

-0:06-

As Kevin confidently chants State Farm’s magic jingle, Jimmy rues his decision to go with Blah Blah Insurance

-0:06-

 
Melinda from State Farm instantly materializes, along with the twenty extra pounds she’s gained since college

-0:07-

 
At her Salt Lake City office, the receptionist she was in the middle of having a conversation with is screaming hysterically

-0:07-

“Maybe next time I’ll pull you out of the shower or somethin’ …”

-0:08-

“Yeah, you know what I’m talkin’ about.”

-0:09-

“Look at this fool over here – what’s he doin’?”

-0:09-

Jimmy is even worse at conjuring claims reps than he is at driving along perfectly straight roads

-0:10-

The last time he tried this, he unwittingly teleported Dennis Haysbert into the cauldron of an active volcano

-0:11-

If he’d read the fine print of his policy, he’d know that the Blah Blah Insurance Company doesn’t offer teleportation, and also doesn’t exist

-0:13-

Sam observes horrifying preview of own future

-0:13-

 
Even harder to believe than teleportational claims service is fact that, on at least one occasion, this man was able to persuade a woman to have sex with him

-0:14-

Back home, Jimmy’s father suddenly discovers his wife has vanished and that he now has a clear view of the kitchen TV from his seat on the bathroom toilet

-0:15-

It’s the happiest day of his life

-0:16-

While Sam calls out to Grandma, Jimmy silently calculates how long it would take for her to die of dehydration

-0:17-

“Aren’t we gonna over there, Dad?”

-0:19-

“Nah – too many rattlesnakes.”

-0:19-

Phone still works despite other end of severed line protruding from ripped drywall three states away

-0:20-

Hold music is continuous loop of Elvis Costello classic “Accidents Will Happen” sung by Bangalore call center employees

-0:21-

NSA wiretappers will earn their paychecks today

-0:22-

Should’ve summoned the girl from 4E instead.

-0:23-

“Stop it, Mom – you’re embarrassing me in front of the black guy I rear-ended and his chubby State Farm rep from another dimension.”

-0:24-

Just when they thought it couldn’t get any worse, Grandma starts sweating through her floral-print blouse

-0:26-

And having an insurer that will jack up your premium after an auto accident you didn’t cause isn’t the same as having a good neighbor

-0:30-

 
Put your trust in a company that’s just another Hurricane Sandy away from insolvency

Loathsomeness: 6.3