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Saturday, July 20, 2013

Glock “Wrong Girl”

Link 01 Logo 01A

Synopsis: An implausibly sexy red-haired young woman uses her Glock G19 to neutralize a burly home invader without firing a shot or denying male viewers their constitutional right to leer at her sweet, freedom-loving body.

02 
As Natasha walks home to her apartment on Sesame Street …

-0:05-

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… Butch patiently waits for the right moment to violate his parole

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Of course he could easily attack his victim now, when she’s utterly defenseless, and drag her into his unmarked van, but that would go against Article 1 of the Home Invader’s Code

-0:07-

07A 
Now let’s meet the star of this commercial: Natasha’s legs.

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They make a very persuasive argument for, um … whatever.

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Living room is furnished in popular “70’s Porn” style

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10A
Let’s see what’s on the fake TV …

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Oh, good – “Death Diner” is just starting.

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This is what Friday nights are like for lonely, unattractive women who can’t get dates

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Outside, Butch ponders whether it’s wise to continue a life of crime

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Unfortunately, he’s already purchased the black wool cap, so it’s too late to change careers now

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17A
Back in the apartment, Natasha and her legs enjoy the movie

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Here comes the famous “shattering coffee pot” scene …

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It shows the waitress’s fright when the killer approaches; but on a deeper level, it also symbolizes the breakdown of social order that plagues America

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It’s a shame they couldn’t work in sharks somehow

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Distracted by sudden knock on door, cameraman slips up and briefly focuses on Natasha’s face

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He quickly recovers

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Like most urban dwellers, Natasha saw no need to install a deadbolt lock or safety chain to secure her front entrance

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27A
Peephole provides reassurance that no one is standing within a 15-degree visual radius from the center of her door

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Odd, rhythmic knocking must have been the wind that’s not blowing

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Maybe it would help calm her nerves if she took off more clothes …

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There it is again – and this time it sounds extra rapey

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Why isn’t this working?

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Butch is a criminal genius

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Natasha desperately tries to remember the phone number for 911

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Looks like she’s gonna have to handle this on her own

-0:59-

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Someone’s messing with the wrong entomologist

-1:00-

100
Either she’s retrieving a weapon, or she’s attempting to blend in with her throw pillows

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Monsters under bed memorize security code for later use

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Pulled-up covers have finally met their match

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Always lift a Glock with your amazing legs, not your back

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104A
If Crickett made one of these, it would come in pink

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109
The only thing that stops a bad guy without a gun is a chick in tight shorts with a gun

-1:11-

111
Now armed, Natasha returns to safety of exposed couch

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Situation is sufficiently dangerous to justify keeping loaded gun at her side, but not so dire as to compel her to stop watching movie

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Drawn-out attempted assault is really getting annoying

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121
I don’t see how anyone could get past this.

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Where’s George Zimmerman when you need him?

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“Hurry up, you bastard – Chelsea Lately’s on next.”

-1:26-

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Prior domestic shootouts have demonstrated that she has better aim with her eyes closed

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128
Maybe it’s just a neighbor or an innocent passerby looking for –

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128A
Never mind.

-1:29-

129
I wonder if this guy knows A.J.

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“Mayor Bloomberg isn’t going to save you now, asshole!”

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130A
Never before has standing your ground looked so … hot.

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You’ve come a long way, baby.

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Little-known fact: most hardened criminals are paralyzed with fear at the sight of a gun

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Yes, you’re seeing this correctly – he’s fainting.

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In the Director’s Cut, she shoots him six times in the chest after he passes out, then uses his blood-dipped finger to scrawl the name of her cheating ex-boyfriend on the hardwood floor

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If he’d kept on his wool cap, it might have cushioned his fall

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At least his fake beard appears to be intact

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This isn’t going to earn him a whole lot of respect on Riker’s Island

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Worthless police finally arrive 15 minutes after no one bothered to call them, happy to find that another private citizen has chosen to take the law into her own hands

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In surprise casting choice, R. Lee Ermey plays gruff authority figure

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“I needed the god-damn paycheck, okay?”

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Okay.

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“ … and then he put me in reasonable fear of imminent death or grave bodily harm within the confines of my legal residence, so I knew I had no duty to retreat …”

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“Alright, Ma’am – I just need your measurements to complete the report.”

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200
Weaponizing your violent fantasies since 1963

Loathsomeness: 7.9

37 comments:

  1. Um, threatening an invading maniac with bodily harm while he is doing the same to you is not taking the laws into your own hands.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please do point out where in the commentary "taking the laws into your own hands" was mentioned.

      And yes, she is indeed insanely hot.

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    2. It might (or might not) be justified, but I think any purported exercise of self-defense actually IS taking the law into your own hands. Here, there was at least an opportunity to call the police prior to the point of confrontation, but our hot heroine appeared not to give that the slightest consideration. And before you say it, yes, in hindsight, the police probably could not have arrived soon enough to prevent the home invasion, but she didn't know that at the time. I believe a good rule of thumb in such situations would be, "911 before Glock," instead of the other way around.

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    3. Alternatively, "Natasha" could have used about 1/100th of the money she spent on her glock towards the purchase of a decent dead bolt for her front door.

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    4. Ironically, her gun was locked up better than her apartment.

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    5. Lol, anonymous, you dummy - "happy to find that another private citizen has chosen to take the law into her own hands"

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  2. A.J. is still my favorite attempted rapist--thanks for the cross-reference.

    (Need I even add that both ads are extremely offensive to the female gender?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm surprised you took offense. 9 out of 10 men in Glock's advance screening focus group felt that this commercial was empowering to hot little ladies.

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  3. If she were truly Free, she would have killed him when he got in. Too bad she lives in Obama's America.

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    Replies
    1. Obama's America? You mean the one where George Zimmerman shot an unarmed teenager and was acquitted? Or are we not considering Florida to be part of America?

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    2. Unarmed being a relative term.

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    3. Would you prefer me to say "without firearms"? I think that there is probably a dictionary definition of "unarmed," or at least one that is within common usage by, what--99% of Americans?

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    4. Fists and pavement can be deadly weapons that leave surprisingly few marks on the victim in GZ's case.

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    5. So I guess you would have newscasters saying "The alleged perpetrator is armed--with his fists! And remember, there are a lot of sidewalks out there, people, so take caution!"

      Or, in other words, apparently we are ALL armed.

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    6. People like Anonymous want to think that the supposedly tyrannical government is going to swoop down, take their guns away and impose communism. Given that the Feds can't even afford to pay their employees half the time, this seems to be not very reasonable.

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    7. You are so naïve. It's the U.N. that's coming for our guns, not the federal government. Wake up and smell the black helicopters.

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    8. Far as I know, nothing has changed since Obama took office. If different please let me know, but I won't hold my breath. You just another "Obama's to blame for my miserable life" type, eh?

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  4. Dokken's Bullet's To Spare seems an appropriate synch up for this one as the commercials play like an 80's hair metal video.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXs1283mMag



    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Too bad Tawny Kitaen is too old for the part of "Natasha" -- she would've been perfect.

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    2. +15 internets for even mentioning Tawny Kitaen in 2013.

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    3. I'm dating myself, aren't I.

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  5. What we probably need is not the sort of super-crazy, no-way unrealistic confiscation thing that no one, not even the Rockefeller Republican in blackface currently residing in 1600 Penn Ave is proposing. What we need is better training and to make sure that guns end up in the right hands....those of sane people who won't panic and shoot people down for no sensible reason.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nothing shows that you're a true American like purchasing an Austrian-made handgun to arm yourself against the government of the United States.

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    2. Especially since NO ONE can give even ONE example of an American successfully using a gun to ward off arrest by the big bad Government.

      As I never fail to reply to every "armed citizenry controls government" lunatic, the best-armed man in America in early 1993 was a Texan named David Koresh. He didn't just have enough high-powered weapons to equip an army, HE HAD AN ARMY- AND A FORTRESS. And the minute the government punched a hole in his fortress with a tank, he and his army committed suicide. Yeah, that whole "keeping government at bay with guns" thing works REALLY well.

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    3. It's like George Carlin said: we're jolly well fucked if we have to go up against the Army.

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    4. I think maybe if all Americans had guns, we could beat the army. Of course, that would assume that the entire country agreed the government had to go. Frankly, I've never been sure that was the founders intent, especially considering their generally dim view of the French Revolution...

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    5. Considering what a bunch of insurgents with small arms and improvised explosives put our servicemembers through in Iraq, I don't think the idea of a popular militia fending off an unpopular military force, at least for long enough to make it too painful and costly to continue (see also Vietnam), is that far-fetched.

      That being said, I think the nuttier among the conspiracy theorists (those who claim it'll be UN troops who take our guns) are on to something - coming from something of a military family myself, I honestly can't see the majority of our military cooperating with a blatantly unconstitutional declaration of martial law. In my experience, the sorts of people that tend to join the military are also the sorts of people who are likely to own guns, or at the very least be very unhappy with the idea of forced confiscation.

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    6. You guys apparently have given this a lot of thought ... Better cut it out, though -- I'm pretty sure the NSA is monitoring Pointless Planet.

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    7. And who organizes all of "us" to fight "the government?" The Aryan Nations? Any group that works to overthrow the elected government of the US is bound to be far worse than the government it's trying to overthrow.

      The arguments of the nuts are always illogical nonsense anyway-

      "Why do we need so many guns?"
      "To protect us from a tyrannical government."
      "But aren't you the same people who believe that the government is already a tyranny controlled by Marxist/Socialist/Islamofascists who want to use Obamacare to make us a colony of the United Nations and the private ownership of gold?"
      "Yes."
      "And aren't there already 300 million guns in private hands in the US?"
      "Yes."
      "So why is the government still getting away with being a tyranny?"
      "Because Obama. Shut up."

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  6. The slapstick "eye-roll swoon" is just classic. They could have had him bolt away like an actual human being who isn't a well-bred Victorian lady, but they had to go with the Magic Fear Taser effect. At least she's holding the gun correctly (even meticulously so - this is clearly a girl who spends time at the range).

    I'm also loving Ermey as the paramedic (I'm pretty sure those are EMT patches on his uniform - why he also has a silver badge, I'm not sure). The hell with guns, though: the merest idea of R. Lee Ermey inserting a catheter in me is more then enough to permanently banish any thoughts I might EVER have of breaking the law.

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    Replies
    1. Frankly, just to be absolutely clear on this point, I don't want R. Lee Ermey inserting anything in me.

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  7. Greetings fellow parodic enthusiasts. As a writer and --- after laughing until tears flowed at almost all comments many of my friends might find inappropriate--- I have come to realize that I have found a kindred soul in said Editor. Thank you for making each and every day more memorable. Not to mention the glaring fact that your dissection of these inane, idiotic, brainless marketing attempts crack me up.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the kind words. Nice of you to say, and gratifying to hear. Please keep checking in.

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  8. All of the mass shootings took place in "gun-free" zones. So of course the solution is to turn our guns in. This is a tried and true formula that worked in Australia and the u.k.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, and also see this:
      http://www.motherjones.com/mojo/2013/09/washington-navy-yard-mass-shooting-aaron-alexis-gun-free-zone-fbi

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    2. Let's try making the entire country a "gun-free zone," and then we can run the numbers.

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  9. Great point in bringing up other countries that have had mass shootings...oops, and you almost forgot to mention, MUCH lower rates of overall gun violence than the US (oh, yeah, a lower rates of gun suicides, too, not that I'd expect you to care about that).

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