Synopsis: A joyless, childless, sexless couple tries to fill another grim weekend with a time-consuming outdoor home improvement project as a distraction from the soul-crushing emptiness of their bland, disappointing lives.
Amy proposes festive flower tower just as Chris is contemplating whether to blast his brains all over spotless white kitchen
Suicidally depressing lack of color, decoration, or slightest personal touch is fine for inside, but the outside of a house should look pretty
If there were blocking software for home improvement sites, Chris would’ve installed it before giving Amy iPad for her birthday instead of trip to Spain she was hoping for
It’s like porn for women with too much time on their hands
“Do you think you’re even remotely capable of doing this?”
Chris quickly attempts to calculate whether thirty years in prison for murdering his wife would be worth not having to endure an entire afternoon with her planting flowers in the back yard
“Sure – it sounds like a much better way to spend a Saturday than getting drunk watching the Braves game.”
“Great. Figure out all the details – I’ll be waiting in the car.”
And so, for the 47 billionth time in recorded history, a woman’s idea becomes a man’s problem
How I loathe you …
But what can I do? Non-terrible women are repulsed by me.
I wonder how much Miracle-Gro it’d take to blow up Home Depot ...
Wearing new outfits, Chris and Amy sullenly wander through pristine Garden Center while pretending they don’t know each other
Not pictured: broken bags of potting soil haphazardly strewn across floor, trapped birds frantically flying around enclosure in futile effort to escape, surly contractors knocking over old ladies with pressure-treated two-by-fours …
“What do you think?”
“Is … is that a picture of your penis?”
“Huh … how’d that get on here?”
“Shhh – be cool; it’s my horrible wife.”
If a single image can capture a married couple’s typical Home Depot shopping experience, this is it.
Amy’s man-hands grasp oversized flower pot with ease while more feminine sales associate struggles to maintain her grip
“He showed you his dick, didn’t he?”
“Yes. I pity you.”
If chickens had these, they’d rule the Earth
The only thing that would be more fun than this is any other activity devised by man
Ripped hole in jeans reveals more above the knee than she’s shown her husband in last six months
Body snatcher plants can’t believe their bad luck
“Guess we found one task you don’t finish too soon, right, honey?”
“Heh … yeah, that’s right … “
I’m gonna bury her under this tree …
Chris practices slitting open things that ruin his day
While he crawls around in the dirt …
… Tim Hudson throws a no-hitter in the ballgame he’s missing
After another quick change of clothes, Amy and Chris are ready to celebrate their floral masterpiece
They can barely contain their excitement
Wow … the production crew did a really nice job.
Enjoy spending the rest of the summer weeding, watering, chasing away chipmunks, and spraying for bugs.