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Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Home Depot “Flowers”

Link 01 Logo 03A

Synopsis: A joyless, childless, sexless couple tries to fill another grim weekend with a time-consuming outdoor home improvement project as a distraction from the soul-crushing emptiness of their bland, disappointing lives.

00 
Amy proposes festive flower tower just as Chris is contemplating whether to blast his brains all over spotless white kitchen

-0:01-

01
Suicidally depressing lack of color, decoration, or slightest personal touch is fine for inside, but the outside of a house should look pretty

-0:01-

01A
If there were blocking software for home improvement sites, Chris would’ve installed it before giving Amy iPad for her birthday instead of trip to Spain she was hoping for

-0:02-

02
It’s like porn for women with too much time on their hands

-0:03-

03
“Do you think you’re even remotely capable of doing this?”

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03A
Chris quickly attempts to calculate whether thirty years in prison for murdering his wife would be worth not having to endure an entire afternoon with her planting flowers in the back yard

-0:04-

04
“Sure – it sounds like a much better way to spend a Saturday than getting drunk watching the Braves game.”

-0:04-

04A
“Great.  Figure out all the details – I’ll be waiting in the car.”

-0:04-

04B
And so, for the 47 billionth time in recorded history, a woman’s idea becomes a man’s problem

-0:04-

04C
How I loathe you …

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05
But what can I do?  Non-terrible women are repulsed by me.

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06
I wonder how much Miracle-Gro it’d take to blow up Home Depot ...

-0:06-

06A
Wearing new outfits, Chris and Amy sullenly wander through pristine Garden Center while pretending they don’t know each other

-0:07-

07
Not pictured: broken bags of potting soil haphazardly strewn across floor, trapped birds frantically flying around enclosure in futile effort to escape, surly contractors knocking over old ladies with pressure-treated two-by-fours …

-0:07-

07A
“What do you think?”

-0:07-

07B
“Is … is that a picture of your penis?”

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09
“Huh … how’d that get on here?”

-0:09-

09A
“Shhh – be cool; it’s my horrible wife.”

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10
If a single image can capture a married couple’s typical Home Depot shopping experience, this is it.

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11
Amy’s man-hands grasp oversized flower pot with ease while more feminine sales associate struggles to maintain her grip

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11A
“He showed you his dick, didn’t he?”

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12
“Yes.  I pity you.”

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13
If chickens had these, they’d rule the Earth

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14
The only thing that would be more fun than this is any other activity devised by man

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15 
Ripped hole in jeans reveals more above the knee than she’s shown her husband in last six months

-0:15-

15A
Body snatcher plants can’t believe their bad luck

-0:16-

16
“Guess we found one task you don’t finish too soon, right, honey?”

-0:17-

17
“Heh … yeah, that’s right … “

-0:18-

18
I’m gonna bury her under this tree …

-0:19-

19
Chris practices slitting open things that ruin his day

-0:19-

19A
While he crawls around in the dirt …

-0:19-

19B
… Tim Hudson throws a no-hitter in the ballgame he’s missing

-0:20-

20
After another quick change of clothes, Amy and Chris are ready to celebrate their floral masterpiece

-0:20-

20A
They can barely contain their excitement

-0:20-

20A
Wow … the production crew did a really nice job.

-0:22-

22
Enjoy spending the rest of the summer weeding, watering, chasing away chipmunks, and spraying for bugs.

-0:25-

25
More divorces.

Loathsomeness: 7.0

18 comments:

  1. Seems like you cheated a little on this one, Editor--I don't recall Tim Hudson in that commercial.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I WONDERED why seeing this commercial made me think of the Braves. Subliminal.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes -- exactly.

      Home Depot's headquarters is in Atlanta. Coincidence? I think not!

      Delete
  3. Jesus- he BOUGHT her that Tablet so she'd QUIT bothering him to do stuff with her!

    Home Depot's entire marketing strategy is "all you need is the right tools, and you can do anything." Guess what? It just ain't so. My guess is that, at best, these flowers survive a week- which, being more than enough time to capture them in photos and plaster them all over the wife's Facebook page so the 900 people she'll never meet in real life can experience Suburban Envy, is just fine with her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My own experience with the suburban dreamscape is that real nature usually finds a way to kick fake nature's ass in fairly short order.

      Delete
  4. "Hey honey, you can use that Tablet to buy Braves tickets and order pizza, too...just sayin', it doesn't ALWAYS have to be used to find extra work for me to do when I'm not slaving away five days a week in the office to make All This Possible.."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What eludes me is why, after clearly having spent some time researching the project herself, she looked to him for an ironclad assurance that it wouldn't take too long to complete, which he was compelled to provide based solely on glancing at a website photo of the finished "flower tower" for all of two or three seconds.

      Delete
  5. There isn't a man watching this who doesn't immediately think of his weekend being taken away, especially with football season approaching.

    And with that I give you my synch-up for this one.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9CJU8-m-ig

    "I can't believe the news today
    I can't close my eyes and make it go away"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My personal hell would be endlessly walking through Home Depot on a Saturday afternoon.

      Delete
  6. Ah, yes. The Honey-Do List. What a wondrous thing that is....for any passive-aggressive jerk who, having traded away her individuality for shiny THINGS, needs to avenge herself on the Man Who Makes This Possible by making him as unfree as she is. Heh. My guess is that Wifey has a little sign in her garden that says that at least her plants listen to her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, to be fair, it looks like she's more the man in that relationship than he is.

      Delete
  7. I enjoy this one because the woman in this one has a fantastic ass on her. Thanks for the shot at 0:04!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not fantastic enough to justify spending all day planting flowers, in my opinion.

      Delete
    2. Indeed. That's a forty-five-minutes-of-intensive-bathroom-scrubbing ass, at best.

      Delete
    3. Maybe just unloading the dishwasher.

      Delete
  8. I'm going to bookmark this for the next Valentine's Day that I'm single, inundated by commercialized images of high-spending couples with low expectations (see Vermont Teddy Bear "Big"), and contemplating offing my lonely self.

    ReplyDelete

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