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Friday, July 5, 2013

Infiniti “Brake”

Link 01A Logo 05A

Synopsis: A wealthy family leaving home in its luxury crossover SUV is spared the embarrassing inconvenience of running over an inattentive neighborhood kid in the driveway by a computerized safety system that automatically applied the brakes before the dim-witted dad behind the wheel could calculate the impact of a negligent homicide on his future career.

00  
Jacob is more Risperdal than boy, but at least the cat strangulations have stopped

-0:01-

01
He forces trembling teddy bear to drive toy car despite knowing that he’s prone to panic attacks and periodic seizures

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02
Teddy will later show a jury where Jacob inappropriately touched him by pointing to private areas on stuffed human

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03 
Looks like another beautiful evening in Onepercentia

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03A
Mitt Romney approved height of trees, carried neighborhood by wide margin

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04 
Jacob passes by house that’s larger than most community colleges, highlighted by blimp-accessible garage

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04A
Fearing sniper fire, the Swindletons make a mad dash to their Infiniti

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05 
Children race ahead while Dad watches out for Skittles-wielding teens in hoodies

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05A 
In fascinating example of cultural asymmetry, family’s outdoor ornamental plants provided with cleaner and more abundant water than 95% of people living in sub-Saharan Africa

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05B 
JX comes standard with unreadable black-on-black license plates

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06
Its off-road capabilities make it ideal for exclusive driving on smooth, paved surfaces

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08
Four rambunctious kids leave zero fingerprints on car doors

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08A 
Jacob’s father makes sure to stay far enough behind to render himself utterly useless in event of sudden emergency

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10
“That’s it, son – keep your eyes straight ahead; never glance to your left or right!”

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10A
Richard turns away from dashboard and looks back over shoulder, negating value of rear-view camera, while Clara pretends not to smell alcohol on his breath

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10B
We don’t condone violence here at Pointless Planet, but anyone who drives one of these should be punched in the face.

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12
Boys entertain themselves by hacking science teacher’s eHarmony profile and changing her interests from “museums” to “threesomes.”

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12A 
“For ‘wants to meet,’ put ‘old dudes.’”

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12B
Molly loves her luxurious lifestyle so much, she spontaneously bursts out laughing with joy

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13
Last night tooth fairy left 100 shares of Chevron under her pillow

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13A   Jacob and Teddy hurry to date with deathmobile

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Seeing chance to escape his prepubescent master, Teddy suddenly steps on the gas and pulls away

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15B
Back end of car looks evil, but only because it’s designed to kill kids

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16
God observes unfolding horror from above; as usual, does nothing

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17 
Opens a window, mysterious ways, yada yada yada

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17A
Infiniti computer lines up target in crosshairs

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18
“<Unidentified … teddy bear … has entered … dead zone.>”

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18A 
Jacob follows Teddy directly into path of moving vehicle while father calmly looks on

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19 
Richard’s first instinct is to quickly run over kid before anyone notices and speed off to Mexico

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19A 
Computer automatically stops car before he remembers his political ambitions and tries to hit the brakes

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19B
If this were a Toyota, car would end up in living room of house across the street

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20
“<Nice braking job … you … moron.>”

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20A
“<Maybe you should let your … wife … or a … chimpanzee … drive to the … recital.>”

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20B
Morgan senses a disturbance in the Force

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21
It’s as if millions of teddy bears suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced

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22
Another way to solve this problem would be driving a car that has a normal-sized rear window, or isn’t built like a tank

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22A
Once danger has passed, Jacob’s father rushes over to save him

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23
Fantasy of cashing out college fund was tantalizing, but short-lived

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23A
“I can’t believe how close we came to squashing that kid like a bug.”

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23B
“And to think I just had the car waxed.”

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23C
“Do you know how hard it is to scrape human guts off a rear axle?”

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24
“I swore I’d never do that again.”

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25
Tragedy averted, family resumes perfect lives

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27 
Zombie apocalypse can’t some soon enough

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30 
Nothing more inspiring than paying $42,000 for an ugly car with poor visibility and lousy gas mileage

Loathsomeness: 8.5

30 comments:

  1. Oh thank you thank you thank you thank you for serving this one up. I really hate this ad.

    Richard's bemused look after the car stops itself (since his foot is nowhere near the brake!) really says, "Good thing we didn't run over that child; with all the paperwork we'd definitely have been late for Morgan's recital."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good thing there's absolutely no chance that a computer could ever malfunction, because you certainly wouldn't want your car to unexpectedly come to an abrupt stop when you're driving on, say, a major highway ...

      Delete
  2. Oh yes, ripping this one apart was very necessary.

    Speaking of, I was planning to observe how SUV dad's primary concern would be the detailing required to get all the stains off the taillights but you essentially already covered that.

    This, and I think it's Lexus with the thing that parks the car for you, are saying that owners of these vehicles are lacking in basic driving skills but thanks anyway for you $700 monthly payment. I suppose this lack of the ability to parallel park or look behind you when reversing come from never having to park a car yourself in the city while growing up or having someone to drive you around all the while sitting in the back working on your smugness.

    I was nearly run over by some such giant luxury SUV tank about a month ago. The driver was on his cellphone (of course) perhaps feeling that the tank would be doing all the driving for him. In the end it was my own warning of impending collision that made him apply the brakes. If only he had been reversing the perhaps the car, like a weary butler, would have done it all for him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The JX comes with optional Grey Poupon.

      One of the things I enjoyed most about this commercial is how the emotional focus is squarely on the family in the car, rather than on the kid they almost flattened (or his father, who had to witness the near-tragedy). It's as if we're supposed to respond to how horrible running over a little boy would be for the people who did it; to appreciate what a nightmare it would be for THEM. The boy himself is just an afterthought -- merely the agent of the family's drama. He might as well be a squirrel.

      Delete
    2. I wrote to Infiniti expressing that idea.
      Surprisingly, they did not respond.

      Delete
    3. They'd be better off putting the squirrel in the driver's seat.

      Delete
  3. Thanks- this is another one I couldn't bring myself to snark on. I couldn't get past the fact that his douchemobile is priced only for douchenozzles who live in Douche Village Gated Community, or as you call it "Onepercentia." Because why would you ever need such safety features in an actual, affordable automobile? Kids in poor neighborhoods are a dime a dozen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think Douche Village is just down the street paved with gold from Onepercentia.

      Delete
  4. "Nothing more inspiring than paying $42,000 for an ugly car with poor visibility and bad gas mileage."

    Hey, that's better than paying $42,000 for an ugly car with poor visibility OR bad gas mileage....

    Oh wait, that's another repulsive ad campaign. Never mind.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The JX's computer decides whether wayward pedestrians will live OR die.

      Delete
    2. "The sour chicken is good, right?"
      Oh how I hate those new Ford commercials. Their new cars don't even have very good fuel mileage either. The EPA ratings on their hybrids are about 9 mpg off actual figures.

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    3. They round up to the nearest lie.

      Delete
  5. I hate this ad and I hate these vehicles. What Romney-voter Dad needs isn't his own little gated community on wheels. What Daddy needs are driving lessons, a car that doesn't scream "Hey, everybody! I'm a repulsive dickchoad!!" and a sweet one to the yarbles for being a repulsive dickchoad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd like to see how that car and its inept occupants would be received in some impoverished, fratricidal urban wasteland, like Kandahar, or Detroit.

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    2. Watch this....the biggest problem they'll have with being impaled is that the people doing it are darker colored than they are.

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    3. ... and worship the wrong imaginary god.

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  6. http://www.kidsandcars.org/back-overs.html

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    Replies
    1. So let's ban obnoxiously large vehicles, remove distracting devices, and do a better job teaching rich idiots how to drive. Or, if these safety systems are so wonderful, mandate them for ALL cars, including models driven by people who don't live in mansions.

      Delete
    2. Let's cut to the chase and ban people who can afford "cars" like this. In other words, ban being disgustingly rich in a country and a world where there are so many desperately poor.

      No, I am NOT being sarcastic.

      Delete
  7. I find this synches up quite well with System of a Down's B.Y.O.B., mainly for the point at which they sing 'why do they always send the poor?'

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUzd9KyIDrM

    ReplyDelete
  8. Communism? If not sarcasm then utter stupidity prevails!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Why don't you "redo it" for Infiniti? I would interested to see how you would advertise a distinguishing feature of a banal car.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm afraid that's well beyond my creative talents.

      Delete
  10. Wow, I'm not wealthy by any measure and all I see is blame-the-rich butthurt. I'm embarrassed for most of you guys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ^ This must be Bob (http://www.pointlessplanet.com/2014/10/bayer-bobs-heart-attack.html)

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    2. I hate being called on my "blame-the-rich butthurt." That is pretty embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as living the way these self-indulgent idiots do.

      Delete
  11. "I'm not wealthy by any measure.." I'm going to assume that's a euphemism for "I got enough cash stashed away to never have to worry."

    No one blames the rich simply for being rich, don't be ridiculous. They blame them for sheltering money and cheating taxes, dumping their toxic shite into the ground and water, and exploiting their workforce (<-- this is last one actually pretty great because taxpayer money is used to make up for what employers -refuse- to pay their already underpaid workers so social safety nets have to offset the living expenses not covered by ridiculously low wages).

    As it relates to the star of this commercial, he probably is just a shitty driver. I agree with you here, his lack of ability behind the wheel has absolutely nothing to do with his net worth.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But his net worth has everything to do with him buying an Infiniti, and that's the worst offense of all.

      Delete

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