Saturday, August 10, 2013 “Melissa”

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Synopsis: Melissa embarks on the exciting adventure of meeting a gracelessly aging man whose apparent lack of desirability to women he physically interacts with in his day-to-day life drove him to utilize an online dating site that she herself considers to represent a final, pathetic act of sexual capitulation.

Hard to believe that a 40-year-old woman with a passion for Amish quilts and grandmotherly antiques could stay single for so long


Not pictured: 13 cats


Addition of pressure cooker to Amazon Wish List ensures that next date will be with FBI


Dan used same photo for sex offender registry


Melissa wonders if eight-foot-long scarf makes her look fat, or if it’s just the mirror she stole from Walmart dressing room


Tonight calls for Calvin Klein’s “Desperation”


You can smell it from a mile away


Now a few tips for middle-aged women who want to look their best when dating creepy, deceitful strangers:


1. Cotton candy nail polish helps recover a tiny fraction of your evaporated youth


2. Limp, lusterless hair can be swept forward to hide embarrassing crow’s feet in the corners of your eyes


3. A tightly-wrapped scarf supports sagging neck skin and conceals mole excision scars


Now she’s ready for a humiliating night on the town


Night momentarily becomes day – which you’d think would be terrifying, but is actually hilarious


And here he is – the beak-nosed metrosexual men’s clothing store manager every woman dreams of


At least they’ll be able to talk about their scarves


… to wake up tomorrow with a hangover and an STD


Melissa turns her head to try to see past date’s enormous schnoz


The pre-restraining order phase is happiest time in any relationship


Dan hasn’t been this close to a woman since he kissed his eHarmony girlfriend goodbye five minutes ago


If this works out, Melissa will have to tell Anthony Weiner’s penis that she’s seeing other people


Their scarves seem to be really hitting it off


Oh yes, you’ll be needing this …


Three minutes after being served dinner, Dan feels comfortable enough to pick a piece of broccoli out of Melissa’s teeth


Private detective hired by Dan’s wife uses camera’s “candlelight” setting to capture romantic moment


Melissa will laugh continuously for entire remainder of this date


“You really backed out of a kidney donation?  That is so funny!”


“Oh my God – I use the exact same air freshener!”


“… but the hooker was already dead!  Ah-hahaha … !”


White pedestrian crossing symbol doesn’t make George Zimmerman feel threatened, which is good news for everyone


Apollo astronauts erected this replica Greenwich Village street sign on the surface of the moon


Look at them – they’re getting along like one of those old married couples who aren’t secretly trying to poison each other.


“So I told the guy, ‘If I can’t wear my scarf, then I don’t want to ride your fuckin’ roller coaster!’”


Suddenly New York City is hit by imaginary North Korean death ray


Unfortunately, it was only powered by imaginary Duracell batteries


Even the homeless dudes are wearing natty scarves


Little Cupcake Bakeshop of Horrors is open all night


Bone marrow cupcakes are the best


“My wife loves this place.”


“I mean, my soon-to-be ex-wife who’s undergoing chemotherapy.”


“Stop it – you’re killing me!”


Once the wine kicks in, Melissa becomes a human fabric softener


The City That Never Sleeps is surprisingly boring


“You’re kidding – those aren’t your real teeth?”


“Wait – lemme see, lemme see … “


“Oh that is so gross!  Do you have gum disease or something?”


As right arm begins to go numb from lack of blood circulation, Dan starts to suspect that Melissa might be looking for more than the 60-second sexual encounter he plans to initiate in the next alley


Meanwhile, Melissa imagines a house full of little scarved children


“You can get your own ride home, right?”


Patience, Melissa … Cougar Life is just a few years away

Loathsomeness: 5.7


  1. Well, up until now i was feeling pretty good about being 39 and single. The thing about online dating, and about Match-type sites is, a lot of us (for any number of reasons) never got an adolescence or young adulthood because of family, our own feelings of worthlessness, or witnessing parents/siblings romantic relationships go up in smoke. We vowed to never get involved, because this is what it apparently looks like after the dinners and roses stop.
    Then we grow up and unfortunately, we are learning how to ask someone out at 30 or 35 or 40, and we're treated as if we're a lost cause or damaged goods. 'That age' of telling people they'll never find anyone, don't waste your time, seems to get younger and younger. Soon that age will be 25, and after 25, if you haven't found anyone, don't waste your time because nobody will want you either.
    Match is awkward because it lumps together alot of socially awkward people whose histories are like what I described above. Two people who have no idea/experience of how to date or how to be content with each other almost never works - both people usually panic and bolt in opposite directions, never calling each other again. Those who are lucky in love don't need match. The terminally single, the married men with sick wives, and the really late bloomers make a really bad mix of potential daters. Meanwhile match members expect every date to be like 'Sex and the City' where each date is with 'a successful Wall Street Trader' or 'a neurosurgeon who runs marathons, triathlons, and competes in CrossFit competitions'. In 2013, the problem with online dating is that each dater seems to think that nobody is good enough for them, and there is this endless supply of potential candidates (if you have the money and time to travel the US because none of these people seem to live with a 400 mile radius!).

    1. I'm sure all of this is true. But despite the pitfalls you've described, it's probably the most opportune time in modern history to be 39 and single, so don't feel too bad. It could be worse -- you could be married. Some examples:

      Jared "Red Hot"

      Home Depot "Flowers"

  2. I love the spoofs on this site, but this one reeked of ageism a bit too much for my taste. I presume these aren't actors, so lighten up with the criticism of their age, appearance, and degree of "desperation".

    1. Thank you!

      This must have hit a little too close to home for that commenter.

    2. I think it's safe to assume that these "non-actors" received some form of compensation for their involvement, and that no one forced them to appear in this commercial. So that pretty much makes them fair game in my book.

  3. What bothers me most about this guarantee of a 'perfect' match is very human tendency to spin the truth. After all, machines weren't built to understand building yourself up to being something you're not.

    1. And without building ourselves up to being something that we're not, our entire dating system would collapse.


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