Thursday, August 29, 2013

Time Warner Cable “Test”

Link 01 Logo 01A

Synopsis: Former NFL head coach Bill Cowher helps one of the most reviled companies in America take its inept, price-gouging business to the next level.

00
The floors at Time Warner Cable’s Intergalactic Incompetency Center are polished with the tears of its anguished customers

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01 
Strange – not one Indian in the mix, despite the fact that 95% of TWC’s remote tech support appears to run through Mumbai

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01A
“… and if something goes wrong, don’t panic, because our virtual monopoly of high-speed internet service in most markets means we can continue boning our data-dependent subscribers with impunity.”

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02
“Ooo … but what if they get mad at us?  What do we do?”

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02A
“Tell them to suck it, that’s what.  What are they gonna do?  Walk away?  Not with non-refundable service charges, endless disconnect hassles, and an oppressive termination penalty they don’t even realize they agreed to.”

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02B
“Feel the evil … let it flow through your body.”

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03
“Please hold for the next available representative ...”

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04
Latest arbitrary rate hike paid for nonsensical strobe lights on ceiling

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The propriety of rolling a live grenade into this room is a surprisingly complex ethical question …

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05A
… but sometimes you just have to go with your gut.

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05B
TWC’s quarterback is Mike Soika, or, as you know him, “The Idiot From Time Warner Who Tried To Convince Me That Something Was Wrong With My Router.”

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06
You’ll remember his ineffectual visit to your home for weeks by the lingering smell of cigarette smoke and body odor that wafted from his vampiric skin …

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06A 
… and the puddle of motor oil in your driveway that leaked from his idling van while he spent twenty minutes talking on the phone before finally leaving for his next half-assed job

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06B
Lighted areas on network map (left) show two spots in continental United States where TWC can deliver Internet speeds equivalent to those commonly available throughout Western Europe

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06C 
Handheld devices transported by heavy-duty cart for some reason

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07A
Mike demonstrates level of care that Time Warner technicians use when handling your expensive equipment

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08 
In background (left to right): Laurie tells Tanya she’s carrying Bill Cowher’s baby; Trisha and Jim use schematic whiteboard to play game of Pictionary; Bob confides to Ellen that he steals women’s underwear during house calls and is wearing a pair of them now

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08B 
Joseph hopes this one’s not coated with Vaseline

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09
“One millionth tweet about Ben Affleck – sent!”

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11A
“Porn transmission rate – optimal!”

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14
“Personal emails requested by NSA – forwarded!”

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14A
“You picked the wrong time to say hello to your grandma in Pakistan, Nadira Jones of 36 Spruce Street, Columbus, Ohio!”

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14B
Tim Tebow tried out for Mike’s part, but went 0-for-12

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15A
Victor Cruz + $100,000 – any shred of self-respect = this

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After several failed takes, tablet was programmed to display the only word star receiver had to say

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“Buffering – I mean, download!”

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17A
Professional football player – do not attempt

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18A
That iPad was just two days away from retirement

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On the plus side, he’ll no longer have to watch hours and hours of meaningless crap

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22A
It’s funny because he could trash, like, a thousand of these and still have enough money left over to buy your town

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Under the “Hernandez Clause” of TWC’s endorsement contract, each senseless murder Victor commits after the taping of this commercial will reduce his compensation by 10%

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If he stays murder-free for a year, they’ll upgrade him to 50 Mbps

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Also enjoy your new $5.99 a month cable modem rental fee

Loathsomeness: 8.3

11 comments:

  1. In case anyone was wondering, TWC locked up the 30-second version of this commercial (depicted here) on its YouTube channel, so we had to link to the 60-second version.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Too bad that they can't lock TWC up for being an evil monopoly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Did we say your modem fee was $5.99? We meant $9.99."

      -- Bill Cowher

      Delete
  3. Just curious - I'm in an area where Comcast is the cable/internet monopoly. Anyone here have experience with both? Can you tell me if I'm getting screwed slightly worse or slightly more gently then I would by TWC?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't get lost in nuances. The important thing is, you're getting screwed. Be confident of that.

      Delete
  4. You're getting screwed slightly the same.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In a recent consumer survey, the only company that rated worse than Time Warner was Comcast, by a single percentage point. So, yeah, I'd say they're neck-and-neck.

      Delete
  5. The latest campaign of ads seen to be endorsing breaking up marriages/weddings with the "don't settle" line. Creepy and inappropriate, especially the one with some average woman leering out the window at a guy washing a car. She apparently settled for her average husband; but she's no Kate Upton herself. Stupid.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We need to do one of those. I wonder if her average husband charges her $161.33 a month for lousy service.

      Delete
  6. Keep having,"Football Parties" and other things, other then fixing your piss poor service, this is what we like to see.

    ReplyDelete

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