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Friday, September 13, 2013

NHTSA “They’ll See You”

Link 01 Logo 01A

Synopsis: In another example of your tax dollars at work, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration attempts to strike fear in the hearts and livers of America’s cheerful drunk drivers by portraying police officers as creepy camouflaged stalkers out to ruin a perfectly good evening.

01
Meet Peter and Angela, two crazy kids in love with each other and lemon Jello shots

-0:01-

01A
“Omigod, I think I’m gonna puke …”

-0:02-

02
“No, wait – I’m okay for another block.”

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02A 
Believe it or not, these blitzed buffoons are actually the heroes of this commercial

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03
Angela was supposed to be the designated driver, but that was before she passed out in the ladies’ room

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03A
She smells like a mixture of urine and tequila, and peanut shells are caught in her hair, but the two Angelas Peter sees next to him have never looked more beautiful

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04
Scary slasher movie music cues first appearance of law enforcement officer charged with maintaining public safety

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06
It takes Officer Clark six-and-a-half hours to precisely apply makeup and dye his uniform, but it’s all for nothing if he moves a single inch from stakeout position

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06A
His biggest worry is that one day he’ll be seized by eminent domain

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06B
“Man, I’m so freakin’ wasted – I can’t wait to pose a deadly threat to other motorists.”

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07 
Officer Clark’s wife has tried to convince him to transfer to a desk job, but it’s like talking to a brick wall

-0:08-

08A 
Wanted serial killer calmly walks by on way to nearby sorority house

-0:08-

08B
To prove he’s still in control of his senses, Peter tries to recite the preamble to the U.N. Charter

-0:09-

09
It’s actually the lyrics to “Blurred Lines” …

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09A
… and he still doesn’t get it right

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09B
That’s either another camouflaged cop standing in the background, or a well-preserved fossil from the Mesozoic Era

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11
Officer Jones wonders if horizontal shading stripes make him look fat

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12
He’d pursue couple on foot, but he’s literally painted into a corner

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12A
“Didja <hic> … didja see a black guy standin’ back there?”

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13A
“I think he wuz a cowboy …”

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14
“Nah – that’s stupid.  There’s no such thing as black cowboys.”

-0:14-

14A
Getting her second wind, Angela decides this is the right time to tell Peter that she’s pregnant

-0:14-

14B
“Wha – are you shittin’ me?  That’s so funny, cuz I was jus’ thinkin’  about joining the Army.”

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14C
“Guess now you’ll be doing funnels for two.”

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15
“Hey – is this my truck?  I thought it wuz bigger … and a van.”

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15A
“Oh, yeah, this muss be it – there’s the dent from where we hit that homeless guy lass Saturday.”

-0:16-

16
“Dude went fuckin’ flying …”

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17
Always safety conscious, Angela makes sure to put on her seat belt before letting heavily-intoxicated boyfriend drive her home

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18
She laughs hysterically when Peter tries to start the truck by placing his key in the cigarette lighter

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18A
So two different cops saw that he was drunk off his ass, but neither felt any compulsion to stop him from getting behind the wheel and driving away?

-0:18-

18B
I miss Dayton.

-0:18-

18C
Out on the highway, Peter’s truck momentarily veers into next lane when he reaches for Smirnoff bottle that rolled under his seat

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19
Motorist driving behind would have been alarmed if she wasn’t busy tweeting about Miley Cyrus

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20 
Peter suddenly returns to city for some reason, speeds by squad car disguised as potted plants

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20A
Cover was blown earlier when municipal worker tried to water hood

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22
Unfortunately, police officers can’t see out painted-over windows and have to call for backup

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23 
Old school deputy sheriff doesn’t much care for fancy disguises or constitutional rights

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25A
“Sir – will you and your prostitute please step outside the vehicle?”

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25B
“Hold on … I wanna hear the enda this song … “

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26
“Man, that’s my life … they’re singin’ about me … “

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27
“I coulda done it all, man … graduated from high school, gotten that job at Applebee’s, found a hotter girlfriend … “

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27A
Looking like Chris Collinsworth’s son will only make things worse for him in prison

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28
For third time this month, Deputy Smith mistakes his Norelco electric razor for a breathalyzer

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28A
It couldn’t measure Peter’s blood alcohol content, but it did give him a close, comfortable shave

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30
If you’re African-American, you can skip right to the second line.

Loathsomeness: 5.9

8 comments:

  1. Well, at least it ain't a British PSA. They're less into this sort of Orwellian nonsense and go right for scaring the crap out of people. Their latest thing has people walking into the gents at their local pub only to have a bloody head smash through the mirror. The tagline: "What impact will a night out have?"

    Subtle, eh?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's called "#Publooshocker" and it's part of the "THINK!" road safety campaign. The one for seat belts talks about how one guy didn't WANT to die but since he didn't belt up, he didn't have a choice. (The one they show at night goes into CSI mode as they show his organs turning to mulch when he slams through his windshield.)

      Delete
  2. I much preferred the version of this PSA with the cars full of liquor swerving around the roads, which I think mostly just made people covet cars with neck-deep martini and olives sloshing around.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This one gives the impression that we now live in some type of 1984 Big Brother is watching you police state. But of course, that would be silly silly.

      Delete

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