Monday, October 14, 2013

Lexus “Crowd”

Link 01 Logo 03A

Synopsis: An ice-cold couple of Eurofreaks dressed like they’re from some Asimovian vision of 2085 find each other in a crowd of cheerful, black-clad demonstrators and boldly display their non-conformity by driving off together in a Lexus IS 350 F Sport.

00 
This is either a protest against the growing economic inequality that threatens to ruin our nation, or the waiting line for the new iPhone.

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01
Ah – iPhone.

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02
“Give us a slightly improved ability to share every detail of our empty, meaningless lives!”

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02A
Dolph and his laser-sculpted eyebrows spot another expressionless freakazoid nearby

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03
Kriesta coyly shows off her chic ceramic spinal column

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05 
This situation raises a red flag

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06
It takes a six-person team of follicle technicians 90 minutes each day to prepare Dolph’s whiskers for his brooding, asexual liaisons, but it’s clearly worth it

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06A
If you tapped Kriesta’s face with a jeweler’s mallet, it would shatter into a thousand mildly intrigued pieces

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07A 
Impressionable women are transfixed by Dolph’s deep, penetrating stare and perfectly-applied Maybelline makeup

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08
Kriesta attempts smile, tears 17 cheek and jaw muscles

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09
Dolph usually doesn’t like to touch dirty, disgusting Acura drivers, but he’s in a bit of a hurry

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09A
When iPhones run out, whipped-up crowd calls for Barabbas

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09B 
It’s official: Lexus has created the most absurd female figure in advertising history

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13
How many hours do you think this guy would last in, say, Paterson, New Jersey?

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13A
Now, watch carefully …

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Random greaseball standing next to Kriesta …

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17
… simultaneously stands next to Dolph, several feet away

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21B
As things start to turn ugly, crowd decides to sacrifice one of its own to disembodied spirit of Steve Jobs

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22A
He’s like a cross between Kenny Loggins and Kate Moss

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23
Kriesta honors Native Americans by wearing feather earrings made from bald eagle killed by her hairspray

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24 
Only surprise is that his nails aren’t painted too

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24B 
Pallid, vampiric skin hasn’t been exposed to sunlight in nine years

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24C
You can immediately sense their amazing chemistry

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25
I’ve had more passionate encounters with my accountant.

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There are one-and-a-half penises between the two of them, and the math does not work out in Dolph’s favor

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32 
Love-struck couple tries to escape crowd without altering posture or reacting to external stimuli

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35
At no prior point in human evolution could two people like this survive to adulthood without starving to death, or being eaten

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36 
They’re so relatable, it’s hard not to root for them

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37
At least it doesn’t have a giant bow on it.

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38
Ultimate luxury means two cup holders and seats that hide vodka & cranberry stains

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38A
Car for white people with superiority complex features outsized grille that resembles Hitler mustache

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40
Built-in navigation system has already mapped out the shortest route to Robin Thicke’s house

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40A 
I thought angle here was that this car doesn’t crave the spotlight.

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40C
There are only two other places where you can wear this dress, and they’re both in Narnia

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40D
As soon as she sits down, she’ll be violating the obscenity laws of thirty-four states

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41 
Irreversible nerve and tendon damage never goes out of style

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42
Kriesta breaks wrist opening door; fortunately, she’s incapable of mentally processing pain

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45
Once inside the car, they suddenly realize that neither of them knows how to drive

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47A 
Lexus has an app for that

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48 
Another gauge shows exactly how big a douchebag you are

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49A
And, just like that, we’re racing across the Nevada desert

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51 
Traffic is light on the dry lake bed today

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51A
Dawn …

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… then, instantly, mid-morning …

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… then back to dawn

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54 
Three days after they run out of gas, Dolph will suck the sweat from his ponytail while scorpions fight over Kriesta’s lifeless body

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59 
If the world were a fairer place, everyone responsible for producing this ad would have their face chewed off by angry chimpanzees

Loathsomeness: 8.8

10 comments:

  1. Pure poetry: "There are one-and-a-half penises between the two of them, and the math does not work out in Dolph’s favor"

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lovely message Lexus is sending: "We're the car for douchebags and Eurotrash robots." Ah, well. At least there are no economy-sized rapping hamsters or zombie lawyers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Frankly, I think the hamsters would be more relatable.

      Delete
  3. Really funny . . . tears . . . Now I know what all the other out of work copy editors are doing: writing joke captions.

    ReplyDelete
  4. They ride off into the sunset and have sex forever.

    ReplyDelete
  5. OMG, the douchebag gauge, Hitler mustache, Narnia dress . . . killer.

    ReplyDelete

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