Synopsis: An ice-cold couple of Eurofreaks dressed like they’re from some Asimovian vision of 2085 find each other in a crowd of cheerful, black-clad demonstrators and boldly display their non-conformity by driving off together in a Lexus IS 350 F Sport.
This is either a protest against the growing economic inequality that threatens to ruin our nation, or the waiting line for the new iPhone.
Ah – iPhone.
“Give us a slightly improved ability to share every detail of our empty, meaningless lives!”
Dolph and his laser-sculpted eyebrows spot another expressionless freakazoid nearby
Kriesta coyly shows off her chic ceramic spinal column
This situation raises a red flag
It takes a six-person team of follicle technicians 90 minutes each day to prepare Dolph’s whiskers for his brooding, asexual liaisons, but it’s clearly worth it
If you tapped Kriesta’s face with a jeweler’s mallet, it would shatter into a thousand mildly intrigued pieces
Impressionable women are transfixed by Dolph’s deep, penetrating stare and perfectly-applied Maybelline makeup
Kriesta attempts smile, tears 17 cheek and jaw muscles
Dolph usually doesn’t like to touch dirty, disgusting Acura drivers, but he’s in a bit of a hurry
When iPhones run out, whipped-up crowd calls for Barabbas
It’s official: Lexus has created the most absurd female figure in advertising history
How many hours do you think this guy would last in, say, Paterson, New Jersey?
Now, watch carefully …
Random greaseball standing next to Kriesta …
… simultaneously stands next to Dolph, several feet away
As things start to turn ugly, crowd decides to sacrifice one of its own to disembodied spirit of Steve Jobs
He’s like a cross between Kenny Loggins and Kate Moss
Kriesta honors Native Americans by wearing feather earrings made from bald eagle killed by her hairspray
Only surprise is that his nails aren’t painted too
Pallid, vampiric skin hasn’t been exposed to sunlight in nine years
You can immediately sense their amazing chemistry
I’ve had more passionate encounters with my accountant.
There are one-and-a-half penises between the two of them, and the math does not work out in Dolph’s favor
Love-struck couple tries to escape crowd without altering posture or reacting to external stimuli
At no prior point in human evolution could two people like this survive to adulthood without starving to death, or being eaten
They’re so relatable, it’s hard not to root for them
At least it doesn’t have a giant bow on it.
Ultimate luxury means two cup holders and seats that hide vodka & cranberry stains
Car for white people with superiority complex features outsized grille that resembles Hitler mustache
Built-in navigation system has already mapped out the shortest route to Robin Thicke’s house
I thought angle here was that this car doesn’t crave the spotlight.
There are only two other places where you can wear this dress, and they’re both in Narnia
As soon as she sits down, she’ll be violating the obscenity laws of thirty-four states
Irreversible nerve and tendon damage never goes out of style
Kriesta breaks wrist opening door; fortunately, she’s incapable of mentally processing pain
Once inside the car, they suddenly realize that neither of them knows how to drive
Lexus has an app for that
Another gauge shows exactly how big a douchebag you are
And, just like that, we’re racing across the Nevada desert
Traffic is light on the dry lake bed today
… then, instantly, mid-morning …
… then back to dawn
Three days after they run out of gas, Dolph will suck the sweat from his ponytail while scorpions fight over Kriesta’s lifeless body
If the world were a fairer place, everyone responsible for producing this ad would have their face chewed off by angry chimpanzees