Monday, October 14, 2013

Lexus “Crowd”

Link 01 Logo 03A

Synopsis: An ice-cold couple of Eurofreaks dressed like they’re from some Asimovian vision of 2085 find each other in a crowd of cheerful, black-clad demonstrators and boldly display their non-conformity by driving off together in a Lexus IS 350 F Sport.

00 
This is either a protest against the growing economic inequality that threatens to ruin our nation, or the waiting line for the new iPhone.

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01
Ah – iPhone.

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02
“Give us a slightly improved ability to share every detail of our empty, meaningless lives!”

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02A
Dolph and his laser-sculpted eyebrows spot another expressionless freakazoid nearby

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03
Kriesta coyly shows off her chic ceramic spinal column

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05 
This situation raises a red flag

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06
It takes a six-person team of follicle technicians 90 minutes each day to prepare Dolph’s whiskers for his brooding, asexual liaisons, but it’s clearly worth it

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06A
If you tapped Kriesta’s face with a jeweler’s mallet, it would shatter into a thousand mildly intrigued pieces

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07A 
Impressionable women are transfixed by Dolph’s deep, penetrating stare and perfectly-applied Maybelline makeup

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08
Kriesta attempts smile, tears 17 cheek and jaw muscles

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09
Dolph usually doesn’t like to touch dirty, disgusting Acura drivers, but he’s in a bit of a hurry

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09A
When iPhones run out, whipped-up crowd calls for Barabbas

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09B 
It’s official: Lexus has created the most absurd female figure in advertising history

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13
How many hours do you think this guy would last in, say, Paterson, New Jersey?

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13A
Now, watch carefully …

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Random greaseball standing next to Kriesta …

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… simultaneously stands next to Dolph, several feet away

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21B
As things start to turn ugly, crowd decides to sacrifice one of its own to disembodied spirit of Steve Jobs

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22A
He’s like a cross between Kenny Loggins and Kate Moss

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23
Kriesta honors Native Americans by wearing feather earrings made from bald eagle killed by her hairspray

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24 
Only surprise is that his nails aren’t painted too

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24B 
Pallid, vampiric skin hasn’t been exposed to sunlight in nine years

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24C
You can immediately sense their amazing chemistry

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25
I’ve had more passionate encounters with my accountant.

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There are one-and-a-half penises between the two of them, and the math does not work out in Dolph’s favor

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32 
Love-struck couple tries to escape crowd without altering posture or reacting to external stimuli

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35
At no prior point in human evolution could two people like this survive to adulthood without starving to death, or being eaten

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36 
They’re so relatable, it’s hard not to root for them

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37
At least it doesn’t have a giant bow on it.

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38
Ultimate luxury means two cup holders and seats that hide vodka & cranberry stains

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38A
Car for white people with superiority complex features outsized grille that resembles Hitler mustache

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40
Built-in navigation system has already mapped out the shortest route to Robin Thicke’s house

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40A 
I thought angle here was that this car doesn’t crave the spotlight.

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40C
There are only two other places where you can wear this dress, and they’re both in Narnia

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40D
As soon as she sits down, she’ll be violating the obscenity laws of thirty-four states

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41 
Irreversible nerve and tendon damage never goes out of style

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42
Kriesta breaks wrist opening door; fortunately, she’s incapable of mentally processing pain

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45
Once inside the car, they suddenly realize that neither of them knows how to drive

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47A 
Lexus has an app for that

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48 
Another gauge shows exactly how big a douchebag you are

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49A
And, just like that, we’re racing across the Nevada desert

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51 
Traffic is light on the dry lake bed today

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51A
Dawn …

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… then, instantly, mid-morning …

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… then back to dawn

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54 
Three days after they run out of gas, Dolph will suck the sweat from his ponytail while scorpions fight over Kriesta’s lifeless body

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59 
If the world were a fairer place, everyone responsible for producing this ad would have their face chewed off by angry chimpanzees

Loathsomeness: 8.8

10 comments:

  1. Pure poetry: "There are one-and-a-half penises between the two of them, and the math does not work out in Dolph’s favor"

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lovely message Lexus is sending: "We're the car for douchebags and Eurotrash robots." Ah, well. At least there are no economy-sized rapping hamsters or zombie lawyers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Frankly, I think the hamsters would be more relatable.

      Delete
  3. Really funny . . . tears . . . Now I know what all the other out of work copy editors are doing: writing joke captions.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. You got the "out of work" part right.

      Delete
  4. They ride off into the sunset and have sex forever.

    ReplyDelete
  5. OMG, the douchebag gauge, Hitler mustache, Narnia dress . . . killer.

    ReplyDelete