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Tuesday, October 29, 2013

MassMutual “Dance”

Link 02 Logo 05C

Synopsis: A married football fan reflects on how much more meaningful his life has become since college while trying not to dwell on the fact that it is also totally lame.

00 
Carrie looks just as amazing today as the night Rich found her passed out under a beer pong table at State University

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01
There were some “blurred lines,” but it all worked out for the best

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02
Once she regained consciousness, it was love at first sight

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02A
It’s like you’re still in college?  Dude, you’re 40.

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02B
I still remember asking her to marry me at the Nirvana concert …

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03
Everyone said we’d never make it, but look at us now, with our own kitchen cupboards and ratty t-shirts ...

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04
As soon as I get a car, a job, and a functioning credit card, I’ll be the luckiest guy in Western Pennsylvania.

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05
Yeah, this is just like college.

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05A
It took six weeks to find the right furniture and building materials, and another ten to obtain the identical books and knick-knacks, but finally Rich was able to create an exact replica of his parents’ Reagan-era living room

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06 
Only 2,137 more Saturdays until the peace of the grave

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07
Pre-diabetic friends fight nicotine cravings with nachos and guac …

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07A
… while Carrie slips into hypnotic trance trying to recall last time she took a shower

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08 
Stock footage of decade-old Division III football game digitally scrubbed of all identifying features sure is exciting

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09
Central was favored by 7, but State, led by Quarterback, seems determined to win Conference Title in Home Stadium

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09A
Afterwards they’ll all curl up for a nice, long nap

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11 
Rooting for college football team is almost as much fun as still being sexually attracted to one another

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12
Rich hopes State can punch it in the end zone before he has to return TV to Rent-A-Center

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12A 
On third-and-goal, Carrie experiences non-nostalgic contraction

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13
Labor can wait until halftime

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14
Unable to stand the suspense, Rich switches over to Madden video game just in time to see Tennessee Titans score winning touchdown in fantasy rematch of Super Bowl XXXIV

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14A
Believe it or not, this has something to do with financial planning

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14B
No one in this picture knows how much they’ll need to save for retirement or when to stop squeezing their ass into old white jeans from college

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16A
And now, for ladies only, the MassMutual Miscarriage Dance …

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16B
Step One: Awkwardly raise your shoulder to your ear as your partner stretches out her arms to call attention to her thick torso

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16C
Step Two: Shake up your uterus with jerky gyrations of your birthing hips while hooting like a howler monkey

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17A
Step Three: Cock your head to one side and flash the “white man’s overbite” to your suddenly depressed husband

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18
“What do you think, honey – do I still got it goin’ on?”

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19
Rich thinks he read somewhere that it’s technically not cheating if your wife is pregnant

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20 
Hope Future Fan isn’t dead-set on living in a two-parent household

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20A
Future Fan’s Dad was under the impression that Future Fan’s Mom’s boobs were going to get bigger

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21
“Hey, Little Fella – I can’t wait to see you every other weekend.”

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22
I hate these hidden religious symbols in commercials.

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22A
Friends don’t find couple’s cutesy displays of affection in front of the TV at all annoying

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23
That’s the same hoodie he wore to their wedding

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24
If State beats the spread, he’ll buy her dinner at Sonic

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29 
Getting there not guaranteed in AL, KY, and MS.  Definitions of “there” vary according to personal whim and may encompass disastrous metaphorical destinations up to and including financial ruin.  Consult a prospectus for further details about the many ways in which investing with MassMutual could turn out to be the worst decision you’ve ever made.  Carefully consider unrealistic investment objectives, ill-defined risks, and arbitrary, incomprehensible fees associated with all MassMutual accounts.

Loathsomeness: 8.1

8 comments:

  1. Good to see that 'white man's overbite' is still an essential move.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Somewhat less appealing on an unwashed pregnant woman, however.

      Delete
  2. It's also good to see that non-sequitur commercials are still used to sell insurance.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When you're ready to discard the grand ambitions of your youth in exchange for a promise of financial security in your decrepit old age that almost certainly will never be met, MassMutual is there.

      Delete
  3. I need to have a pointless Planet marathon... :D

    ReplyDelete
  4. Future mom's boobs don't look big enough.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Their MassMutual account rep is actually the father.

      Delete

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