Friday, November 22, 2013

EFS “Arkansas”

Link 03 Logo 01A

Synopsis: The oil and natural gas industry listens to the citizens of Searcy, Arkansas and responds to their concerns before laying waste to their town.

00 
I love the smell of methane in the morning …

-0:02-

02
Once Southwestern Energy buys enough seats on city council, official seal will be changed to raised middle finger

-0:03-

03
Community Relations Manager David Evans fills his Paxil prescription locally whenever he can

-0:04-

04
Being good neighbors in Arkansas means wearing identical pairs of brand-new jeans and pretending not to notice camera crew filming casual sidewalk encounters

-0:05-

05
The secret ingredient is benzene

-0:06-

06
“So, uh … not to be a stick in the mud, but another one of my kids was diagnosed with kidney disease yesterday, and I was startin’ to wonder if maybe I oughta call a lawyer …”

-0:07-

07
The toughest part of Dave’s job is deciding which of the honest, hard-working folks he’s gotten to know around town will have to be killed in staged auto accidents

-0:07-

07A 
Later, Dave meets with a carefully-selected group of respectful, well-dressed community activists who’ve previously agreed to lease their resource extraction rights to the highest bidder

-0:09-

09
Not a ponytail or tie-dyed t-shirt in sight

-0:10-

10
“I don’t wanna cause a ruckus, but I was specifically told that no black people would be attending this meeting.”

-0:11-

11
Orange area on Searcy map now known as “Dead Zone.”

-0:11-

11A
“If there’s a well blowout, we’ll direct burn victims to stagger down this road and die in the woods.”

-0:12-

12
“Your job will be to make sure none of ‘em talk to Channel 6.”

-0:14-

14 
Searcy shaleburgers are big hit at annual fire department cookout

-0:15-

15A 
Under comprehensive mining agreement negotiated with city officials, Bobby is now the property of ConocoPhillips

-0:15-

15B 
Company doesn’t know how much natural gas he produces, but it’s determined to find out

-0:17-

17
”Not all mutations are detrimental.  Heck, a lot of people would pay good money to see a two-headed cow.”

-0:18-

18
“Okay, listen up – this is important … “

-0:18-

18A
“This handy little device will tell you exactly how many carcinogenic compounds are present within your respiration field.”

-0:19-

19
“Whenever it starts beeping loudly like this, it probably just needs a new battery, so you can shut it off.”

-0:20-

20
“You ever seen that little skull and crossbones before?”

-0:20-

20A
“If I go first, tell my momma I love her.”

-0:21-

21
“Whoa – did you guys feel the ground shake just now?”

-0:22-

22
“We call that a ‘non-event.’”

-0:22-

22A
“If anyone calls to complain about it, just tell ‘em it has somethin’ to do with Obamacare.”

-0:23-

23
With new sources of energy, in a sense, everyone wins …

-0:23-

23A
… but in another, more accurate sense, Halliburton wins

-0:24-

24
“That’s my boy Josh right there, with the neck tumors.”

-0:25-

25
Searcy Lions usually draw big crowd on Gas Mask Giveaway Night

-0:26-

26
“Lions … attacking … because we’ve … got fracking!”

-0:26-

26A
“Our aim … is higher!  Our faucets … spit fire!”

-0:27-

27
In a few years they’ll be handed out to visiting federal regulators like Halloween candy

-0:30-

30 
Somewhere out there, Brooke Alexander is smiling.

Loathsomeness: 9.3

14 comments:

  1. So, there's actually no channel 6 in Searcy, AR...

    Channels 4, 7, and 11 provide the local news for Central AR.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THAT is what concerns you most about this ad?

      Delete
    2. I blame myself for this -- I meant to look it up. I guess I just defaulted to "The Simpsons."

      Delete
  2. We have loathesome ads like this in Canada. They're all about how great it is that we have oil sands.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, since the Prime Minister is from Alberta, he at least thinks he's God. That's something, isn't it?

      Delete
  3. "Sue ... those ... Feds! Our ... babies ... have ... three ... heads!"

    Love this site!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Fossil fuels don't cause mutations. That's nuclear fallout.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That should be the industry's new slogan: "Fracking -- Not As Bad As Nuclear Fallout."

      Delete
    2. Actually, many of the PAHs and VOCs involved with the extraction of fossil fuels are both mutagens and carcinogens, most notably as concerns pregnant women and the developing fetus they're carrying.

      Delete
  5. "Shale Energy: Now we're scraping the bottom of the barrel in more than one sense!"

    Seriously, between oil sands, fracking, and shale, you'd think these folks would start to realize that there's only so much toothpaste you can massage out of that tube. What happens when you've spent all your money on high-pressure hydraulic toothpaste-tube squeezers and you run out anyway?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your teeth start to rot -- which makes the metaphor apt.

      Delete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.