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Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Walmart “Albany”

Link 01 Logo 01C

Synopsis: The most dismal store on Earth pays authentically hideous “real moms” in Albany, NY to compare prices for the same groceries they normally swat into their shopping carts elsewhere at the direction of a jolly, mentally-challenged oaf.

00
This unreadable receipt proves it – Walmart prices are the lowest

-0:01-

01A
If it’s my Walmart, can I burn it to the ground?

-0:02-

02
In America, “real” = fat

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02A
“I saved $138 on Doritos alone!”

-0:03-

03
As long as Fran can see her sugar bag, she’ll go wherever she’s led

-0:04-

04
Once Sandra becomes a regular Walmart shopper, she’ll receive her complimentary magenta hair highlighter kit and ill-fitting sweatpants

-0:05-

05
Buddy wishes he had a sign like this during his years in foster care

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07
Like the rest of Albany, Walmart store is bland, overbuilt, and no one stays a second longer than they have to

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08
When casting intern was told to find some “gap-toothed yokels” for commercial shoot, he took instruction literally

-0:08-

08A
“I love being able to buy my thong underwear, premium cut bacon, and tire chains all in one place.”

-0:11-

11
Extra wide, scooter-friendly aisles are perfect for both meandering imbeciles and morbidly obese shoppers on the go

-0:11-

11A
Sue Ellen becomes traumatized if she has to spend more than sixty seconds in the produce section

-0:11-

11B
She mentally escapes to her emotional safe place inside the gummy bear bin

-0:13-

13
Very good, Buddy!  Now what happened to the kitten?

-0:14-

14 
Fran shouts with glee at sight of airborne bags of Hersey’s Kisses

-0:14-

14A
Hopefully those 30 bottles of Ensure nutrition shakes will tide her over until dinner

-0:14-

14B
“At first I thought I wouldn’t like buying groceries at a gargantuan store that has ruthlessly crushed the few remaining small businesses in my once-thriving community …

-0:15-

15
… but that was before I realized I could save 29 cents on a 16-ounce tub of Cool Whip.”

-0:17-

17
Walmart's everyday low prices are orgasmic to women who don’t know what that is

-0:17-

17A
“You’re not filming this, right?”

-0:18-

18 
One day Fran will describe this event to her bariatric surgeon

-0:19-

19 
It’s the most exercise she’s had since that Little Debbie truck overturned on Route 90

-0:20-

20
“I’ve never seen such a great selection of spray-on cheese.”

-0:20-

20A
Untouched boxes of Special K are coated with half an inch of dust

-0:21-

21
Walmart wants its customers to see how fun it is to use its shopping carts in a manner that it has expressly forbidden

-0:21-

21A
“Non-union tangerines taste twice as good as the communist kind.”

-0:21-

21B 
Walmart clearance sale balloons are made from the dyed skin of defeated labor activists

-0:22-

22
“… and by agreeing not to sue Walmart for fecal contamination, you got the ground beef for half off!”

-0:22-

22A
“Yeah – we’re that horrible.”

-0:22-

22B
“Whoa!  Wait ‘til I get home and tell the lazy drunk who might be the father of my child!”

-0:23-

23
Sue Ellen tears up thinking about all the extra nicotine patches she’ll now be able to afford

-0:23-

23A
New insulin pumps for the kids can wait until Christmas

-0:24-

24
“I can’t believe how much money I was wasting at stores that treat people with dignity and respect!”

-0:25-

25
“Heh-heh … that reminds me – there’s just one more thing …”

-0:25-

25A
Yes, this is really happening.

-0:25-

25B
Nothing appeals to consumers like a grown man clutching a pinwheel and a box of Huggies while being pushed around on a shopping cart

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26
When ad was finished, Walmart quietly put Buddy down and used his remains to fill a pothole at the north end of store parking lot

-0:27-

27
Sandra proudly displays new reason to live (Not Pictured: Buddy)

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30 
In conclusion, avoid Albany like the plague

Loathsomeness: 7.8

49 comments:

  1. I used to work for Wal-Mart, as I was unable to find any other work as a disabled veteran. That was hell, as I was frequently mocked by my managers and coworkers over my limitations and disabilities.

    I was fired after I informed management that the VA found a suspected tumor and that they wanted to do surgery as soon as possible (within two weeks of the discovery), and I refused to cancel the surgery when I was ordered to by management as I was "needed" for the store inventory.

    The slimeballs tried to strongarm the VA into dropping my lifting limitations and postponing, to the point (people from the store I worked at kept calling the VA while I was in surgery) that when I was in the recovery room, the first thing I was told by the surgeon was that I was out of a job, and included an unemployment compensation form with my discharge papers.

    When I tried to file for unemployment insurance, the state of North Dakota told me that Wal-Mart put me down as having quit on my own accord.

    When I tried complaing to the North Dakota Dept of Labor, I was told that North Dakota does not consider veterans to be a protected class, and hence would not allow any suits on my behalf to take place against Wal-Mart.

    According to doctors I have seen at the VA, my story is a quite common one.

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    Replies
    1. Ironic given Walmart's much-publicized "pro-veteran" hiring policies (from Walmart's corporate website: "We are honored to have the opportunity to employ veterans, to learn from them, and to support them and their families in every way we can."). Appalling.

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    2. I agree with The Editor, that's just appalling. Best wishes.

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    3. Veterans are NOT a protected class in ND? Pardon my ignorance, but I thought that they were federally recognized as a protected class, in hiring at least. How Wal-Mart treated you is disgusting!
      Did you go to the press? Is there anything we can do for you?

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    4. I did attempt to go to the local media about my firing from Wal-Mart, and even talked to some attorneys.

      Basically, no lawyer in North Dakota wanted to go against Wal-Mart's high priced lawyers, and the local media did not give a care.

      Contacting the then North Dakota congressman Rick Berg got an even worse reply: I was told that I should just "drop dead" by his staff, as veterans are a "huge burden on society", and that I was looking for "nothing but a handout".

      I was glad to see Berg lose to Heidi Heitcamp (I do not know if I spelled her last name right), but so far my inquiries to her office have yet to get a reply.

      I have since had to move to Georgia to be closer to my dad, as I am still unable to find a suitable job (one that will not force me to violate my restrictions and will accommodate my disabilities, and as such he helps out with my children, as much as it pains me to have him do.

      Tazaratango, I thought that Veterans were a federally protected class myself, but I have been proven wrong.

      Veterans are nothing more than something for elected retards to associate with only for photo opportunities, and are general punching bags the rest of the time.

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    5. The more of this story I hear, the worse it sounds. Hope things get better for you soon.

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    6. Maybe I'm a little combative, but after reading Part 2 of this horror story, I want to change my name to "Drop Dead Red" (I have red hair) and find some way to humiliate Wal-Mart and North Dakota! Just sickening! What a bunch of eugenicists, really. Take care, Anon.

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    7. Wow that sucks, but tzaratango, how does anything about that story make them "eugenicists" ? Do you even know what that word means?

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    8. First, it makes me immeasurably happy to know there's another North Dakotan out there who reads PP. Second, that's terrible. Gotta love living in a right-to-work state.

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    9. Finally -- all of our marketing in North Dakota pays off!

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    10. Anonymous, I'm also a disabled veteran so your story really tics me off.
      I hope things are going much better for you now that you're away from such a horrible store.

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    11. By the way, in this case you were working in a "hostile" work environment.

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    12. Constructive discharge.....

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    13. My wife worked at one after I lost my job and we were scrambling. They treated her like dirt also. If you would like, I can tell you a trick. Go to WalMart, pick up a shopping cart. Cruise the aisles, fill the cart up halfway making sure you have a LARGE bag of frozen shrimp in it.Open it. Drop frozen shrimp discretely behind displays, under shelving, If you do it correctly, it will only appear as you are shopping. Take cart to garden dept, and park in aisle and leave store. In about 4 days......

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    14. Except that some other mistreated employee would have to clean it up. In any event, given the smells typically encountered at Walmart, I'd be surprised if anyone noticed.

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  2. Be glad that you're now free to look for a decent job. Wishing you a speedy, complete recovery... from both your surgery and from having to work in that HELLHOLE.

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    Replies
    1. Horse shit that he's now "free" to look for a decent job. Not that working for WalMart is decent, but it's because of this catch and release attitude that we have toward social criminals that WalMart gets away with this bullshit. Too bad you live in a state that lies on its back like the corporate whore it is, but I wouldn't give up so easily.

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    2. Looking forward to 20 years from now when that shale energy runs out and North Dakota goes back to being irrelevant.

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  3. I haven't seen this version. We usually get the version of moms who shop at a local grocery store who then shop at WalMart and compare prices. It's become my obsession to freeze the picture frame by frame to see the details of the rolling price comparison at the bottom. These people are always buying highly processed food lacking in any nutritional value. Good for you that you saved 60 cents total on your 6 different artificially cheese flavored snack - never mind that the person who stocked them is treated like a subhuman!

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    Replies
    1. Walmart: We Pass The Slavings On To You!

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    2. We Pass The Slavings On To You!

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  4. What we need in this world is a revolution with teeth in it. When that happens, history will record that the first people up against the wall will be the grinning gargoyles at Uncle Sam's Retail Monster Box.

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    Replies
    1. Conveniently the anti-Monster Box revolutionaries will be able to purchase their guns and ammo at Walmart right before they put it out of business.

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  5. Watch the documentary "Wal-Wart: The High Cost of Low prices". After watching this I have not, and will never spend another dime with Wal-Mart again, and based on their latest ad campaign which focuses on how good they are to their employees, and the community, I suspect a lot of other people are taking the same stand. Costco is a much better alternative, they treat their employees well. Yes they are harder to come by, but we have the power, and if we put in a little effort we can destroy Goliath.

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    Replies
    1. We've noticed that new Walmart ad campaign. It would be nice to think they're starting to feel the heat, but they probably just had a few bucks left over in their annual marketing budget that they needed to burn off before the end of the year.

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    2. God forbid any of those "extra bucks" gets funneled down to the employees. God is used strictly as a metaphor here because I challenge the existence of any god that allows scumbags like the Walton heirs to exploit so much wealth

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    3. When God closes a door, He opens a Walmart.

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  6. Yeah, well I work at Target and they are no better than Walmart. I am the token sales person in charge of stocking half of a super store, running up and down the aisles to run a cash register because we only employ three cashiers, aiding guests, pulling carts of merchandise out of the back room coming off the trucks, stocking shelves, cleaning up spills, picking up piles of returns to be sorted and then attempting to restock the returns on the sales floor, working displays, squeezing in giving my lone fellow Target team member a break and being yelled at the whole day on the ancient walkies we carry that electrocute us, that despite being asked to do the job of six people, somehow we Target Team members are too slow. Let me add that up for you-3 cashiers, one person in electronics that is responsible for electronics, books, music, video games, tvs, phones, toys, sporting goods, home improvement, lawn and garden, holiday seasonal, automotive; one person responsible for the entire market side(the third of the store that is the grocery store and pharmacy area), one person in hardlines which includes all furnishings, bedding, kitchen, small appliances, home decorations, stationary, office supply, party supply, health and beauty products and me in softlines responsible for shoes, luggage, jewelry,purses, belts, glasses, coats, scarves, gloves, men's department, boys department, girls department, women's department, intimates, activewear, baby department which includes all clothes, shoes, food, diapers, baby furniture, bedding, car seats and covering the dressing room when the operator needs breaks. That is five people. Now add one person up at guest service, and you get 6 people on the sales floor. In any given shift there might be 4 managers(leads) around. The sales average is $158,000.00 a day, A DAY. So figure out if the billion dollar corporations like Walmart and Target can afford 15.00 an hour for the handful of employees in every super store. And most of us only get 10 to 14 hours a week. And we get one 13 cent raise A YEAR for a great job being done...in the year 2013. And yes, I am college educated with three degrees. And everyone I work with is treated like a slave and only the store manager and his executive leads get bonuses, we get day old muffins and rotting fruit in the break room. Sometimes we get a real treat, and have pizza in the break room or subs. Every shift, I leave limping to my car from the back breaking pain of being overworked and under paid. We watch propaganda films when hired on how bad unions are and how great we have it without health insurance. We get helpful tips on applying for Food Stamps and medicaid. Believe me, ALL large corporations do this. ANY department store, grocery store, drug store, restaurant, retail chain, or hotel you walk into will have only a handful of part time employees making a pittance over the minimum wage. Nothing will change until people wake up and boycott ALL shopping on Thanksgiving and Black Friday. And hopping on Amazon changes nothing, because they employ part time, low wage slave labor in their warehouses. Walmart gets the most publicity, but they all do it. Target just puts fancier window dressing on it with their pretentious commercials and marketing when their merchandise comes from the same slave factories overseas. And we are trained to run across the store and jump on registers to keep up the appearance of a fully staffed store when it isn't. But that is okay because for every person that quits from the stress, 10 more desperately unemployed people are waiting in the wings to take the job until they realize that being a Team member is political spin for gentrified slave. SO please stick with Costco, the lone business treating its employees right this holiday season and send a message to all the rest.

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  7. I worked at a Target in Minnesota in 2004 that gave me full time at $12.00 an hour with benefits. It wasn't so bad, I was one of 3 people in charge of unloading stocking soft lines. We'd come in at 4:30am (ok, that did actually suck really bad, and I ended up being fired after 3 months because I slept through work 3 times and found out I had a thyroid imbalance- Dr. said it could have been triggered by altering my sleep schedule so dramatically!) and we'd spend the first 4 hours unpacking pallets of boxes and cartons and unwrapping the clothes from plastic and putting them on rolling hangers, then once the store opened we'd move onto the floor in the actual store (which was nice because it was freezing in the shipping area) and help customers while stocking out the clothes and tidying up anything that had been tried on or moved by shoppers. It sucked and when I got to leave at noon I was pretty beat, but I have had worse jobs. I graduated with honors from a top University and this is just a shitty, shitty economy. Target treated me a lot better than a small business I worked for, and paid me better than 2 other retail positions I tried. I remember those propaganda videos! They show those at Jo-Anne Fabrics too, about the millions of yards of fabric that would be lost if everyone gave each customer one extra inch of fabric! I think the work environment really depends on the specific people you work with. And at least back when I worked for them Target paid like 150% of what Walmart did. Also if you stick it out for a while and it's obvious you're overqualified you can get promoted! The one time I decided to commit for health insurance and stayed at the same job for 3 years, I ended up a store manager making my own schedule and making $15.00 plus bonuses and commissions. I disagree that all retail chains are the same. But they are all as emotionally exhausting as cubicle work with the physical exhaustion of union labor, for way less money than either, and full time work is getting harder and harder to come by.

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    Replies
    1. Good perspective. Unfortunately true, no doubt.

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  8. Take your story to the Poor man's media: Facebook!

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  9. So you don't like seeing us obese folks on scooters, eh? Well guess what, a person can be both obese and disabled! And I am in the scooter to keep from collapsing onto the floor.

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    Replies
    1. But Would you be disabled if you were not so Obease?

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    2. Yeah; kind of a "chicken or the egg" scenario.

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    3. It doesn't matter why someone is obese. Fat-shaming is a dick move that took the focus away from your point and made you look like a jerk.

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    4. Well, it wouldn't be the first time.

      To be honest, I felt a little twinge of guilt about this one. But my view is, if you voluntarily appear in a commercial, you're fair game. The prevalence of obese people in this Walmart ad (and in Walmart itself) is remarkable. So I remarked on it.

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    5. Yes, so remarkable to not use the typical cookie cutter actors with the socially approved shape and look for its commercials. Interesting how the editor tries to champion the little unique small business owner on one hand and takes a shot at general consumerism and big business for its heartless tactics...yet, for the sake of comic humor, lashes out on plain people and their shape as well as their perceived heritage in a rather shitty and judgmental way. Yes...I get it cool white, edgy and outspoken thesbian..you're really not that creative, so just resort to fat jokes because that's all you've got. Amateur.

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    6. I suppose the easiest way to respond to this would be to refer you to the other 99% of the material on this site that does not include "fat jokes," but I suspect you're too busy judging "judgmental" people to review it.

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  10. WDF does Albany have to do with this? It is just am average Walmart. BTW, that is the largest one in the USA

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    1. Love "WDF" -- no highfalutin articles like "the" for da likes of you. Also, the Albany Walmart is "average," yet, at the same time, the largest in the USA. Excellent.

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  11. no nightmare scenarios to relate. ijust found this terribly rude.
    and hysterical!!!

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  12. Both average and the largest.. Someone failed basic math.

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