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Thursday, December 5, 2013

Amazon “Mayday”

Link 01 Logo 04A

Synopsis: In a three-part celebration of idiocy, a trendoid moron who can’t figure out how to use his new and utterly unnecessary Kindle Fire HDX develops an unhealthy infatuation with a hyper-perky Amazon tech advisor secretly sharing all of his personal data with the federal government.

01
Kindle’s prototypical consumer is a single white male between the ages of 25 and 35 who likes Ikea furniture and pretending to be cool

-0:02-

02 
Keith will do nicely

-0:02-

02A
There’s a zero percent chance he’s ever played that guitar or petted that dog

-0:02-

02B
Cloying indie movie + overrated cable series + yuppie travel mag + stale reunion album from washed-up 90’s rock band = loser

-0:02-

02C
If you see a button on something and you don’t know what it does, just press it, like a monkey

-0:04-

 04
“Thanks for consenting to electronic surveillance.  How can I help?”

-0:07-

07
“Whoa!  Are you … inside my Kindle?!”

-0:08-

08
“You’re so beautiful … if only you were real.”

-0:08-

08A
“I’m Amy, the only decent-looking female technical service rep in whatever fluorescent geek prison I’m communicating from.”

-0:09-

09
“My hair is two colors to emphasize how sassy and fun I am.”

-0:10-

10
“For liability reasons, please refrain from showing me your penis.”

-0:11-

11
“Wow … it’s like you can read my mind.”

-0:13-

13
“So, what else do you, um … do?”

-0:16-

16
“I can adjust the brightness of your screen, read your email – even donate your organs to ungrateful strangers.”

-0:17-

17
“That’s amazing … “

-0:19-

19
“Hey – do you like Soundgarden?”

-0:20-

20
“Unless that’s a name you’ve created for a custom audio setting, your question is nonsensical to me.”

-0:22-

22
“If I could free you from the well-lit glass box they keep you in, I’d sing ‘Spoonman’ in your open ear while gently stroking your thigh.”

-0:24-

24
Outside view of webcam, Amy clicks “Report Customer Abuse”

-0:32-

32
The following day, Keith gets excited as he thinks about contacting Amy again

-0:32-

32A1B 
Very excited

-0:32-

32B
Of course, Amazon employs hundreds of different technical advisors, so the odds that Amy will be the one who –
 

-0:34-

34
Well, what do you know?

-0:36-

36
Keith is in such a hurry to finish drinking his imaginary coffee that he forgets to open his mouth

-0:37-

37
“Hi Amy.  Sorry to bother you, but I’ve got another question … “

-0:39-

39
“Do you think I look like Dean Cain?  Because people tell me that.”

-0:39-

39B
“Also, what do you think of this shirt?  I wore it just for you.”

-0:41-

41
“Is there an issue with your Kindle Fire I can help you with?”

-0:43-

 43
“You’re the one who’s on fire.”

-0:44-

44
“How about standing up so I can see your rack?”

-0:46-

46
That’s not even close to being the most inappropriate request Amy’s received today

-0:47-

47
“Why don’t I show you how to set time limits for your niece instead.”

-0:48-

48A
“I assume her name is Emma, even though you never told me that.”

-0:53-

53
“Yeah, it probably is.  I’ll double-check the next time I see her.”

-0:55-

55
“Here’s a picture of her I found on the Internet.  Or somebody’s niece, anyway.”

-0:57-

57
“So, back to your boobs …“

-1:02-

102
Later that evening, Keith hosts a party for struggling actors Amazon hired to create the illusion that he has an active social life

-1:03-

103A
“Oh man, Amy’s gonna love this … “

-1:04-

104 
Chinese slave laborers who assemble Kindle Fire would be happy to see how it’s improving lives of wealthy Americans desperate to find new ways to amuse themselves

-1:05-

105
“… and if you check your User Agreement, you’ll note that you’ve expressly waived your right to sue Amazon for retinal injuries … “

-1:06-

106
“Oh – hi there.”

-01:07-

107
“Hi Amy!  I want to introduce you to my friends.”

-1:08-

108A
“Hey everyone – it’s my girlfriend, Amy!”

-1:09-

109
“I’d like to put you up on my big TV, but I can’t find it.”

-1:11-

111
“I can help you with that.  First, I’ll need to hide your horrible vacation photos … “

-1:13-

113
“Now, do you see an object like this?”

-1:15-

115A
“That looks so familiar …”

-1:15-

115B
“Where is that thing?”

-1:16-

116
“Oh, wait – here it is!”

-1:16-

116A
Photo of nondescript Florida canal much more impressive now

-1:22-

122
“Wave to Amy, or get the hell out of my house!”

-1:24-

124 
After this, Keith will force party guests to watch him change his furnace filter

-1:25-

125
“I can’t see you, but I’m pretty sure you’re all Caucasian.”

-1:26-

126
“Hi, brainless tech addicts!  Thanks for letting us control your lives!”

-1:30-

130 
When civilization collapses, you can use it as a coaster

Loathsomeness: 9.5

12 comments:

  1. Great. Just what we need: an I Dream of Jeanie for the 2010s.......

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If they put Amy in that outfit and instructed her to call users "Master," sales would skyrocket.

      Delete
  2. http://www.thecommercialcurmudgeon.com/2013/11/amy-amazon-kindle-sprite-lives-on.html

    I knew you would get to this one. I haven't seen this long version- and I'm not sorry about that one bit. Great job!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, man. I discovered yours after the fact when I was test searching for my own post on Google. You're listed ahead of me, so you win. But, clearly, there's enough Amy to go around.

      Delete
  3. I had the original Kindle Fire when it came out, and it sucked so bad, I refuse to consider any other Kindle item.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess that explains why they added the "Mayday" button.

      Delete
  4. Oh man, make more of these! Still don't know why you're not more popular than you are. I'm trying to figure out how to introduce you to more friends.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. Ironically, marketing is not our strength; but hoping to crank things up again soon.

      Delete
  5. Just when I think I've seen the worst commercial in history, along comes a gem like this one from Amazon. Was this commercial written and created by some alien species who have no idea what humans are actually like? I've been crying laughing since I found your site but this one and Buicks The Garcias one are two of my favs

    ReplyDelete

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