Thursday, January 9, 2014

NBC “From Russia With Love”

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Synopsis: American TV network that paid billions to broadcast outdated sports snoozeathon tries to recoup its investment with video valentine to disintegrating Eurasian kleptocracy ruled by despotic homophobe.

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What traditional Winter Olympic venue looks like

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What subtropical Black Sea resort looks like

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No worries – Putin has ordered God to make it snow

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Fascinating cultural attractions conveniently located halfway across humungous country with lousy transportation system

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You won’t actually see this, but you can close your eyes and try to imagine it while stone-faced stadium screeners probe your body for explosives a thousand miles away

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Under new Russian law, every leotard-wearing male is required to show a current female sexual partner to authorities upon demand

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Fanciful presence of Saint Basil’s Cathedral more than makes up for lack of democracy and civil rights

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Organizers will later regret placing ice rink in cauldron of supposedly dormant volcano

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Russia:  Great.  Powerful.  Not gay.

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Russian Army helicopter keeps close watch on skiers heading down Brokeback Mountain

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And when he gets home, he can go right to bed, because he’s already in his pajamas

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Curling is so boring, I can’t even think of a good joke about it.

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Crowd awed by glowing performers from village near Chernobyl

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Years of unrelenting psychological pressure and sporadic physical abuse will finally pay off with opportunity to disappoint nation and bring shame on family

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Garrett Whogivesashit celebrates winning men’s somethingorother

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Apolo Ohno adds absolutely nothing to scope of human existence

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Two dissident snowboarders make desperate attempt to escape Olympics before being gunned down by Russian security forces

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And who can forget, um … this guy

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Infuriated by low scores, ice dancer dramatically slices off right hand with skate blade and gives judges invisible finger

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NBC decided to base its entire advertising strategy on Lindsey Vonn

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What could possibly go wrong?

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As Lindsey completes trial run, Tiger Woods completes weird sex marathon with ex-porn star back at hotel

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Good thing it’s 100% certain that she’ll compete

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Stoner icon Shaun White proves that flannel-clad dirtbags can kick ass in fake sport they invented while high

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As horrified spectators look on, extreme jump causes Shaun to be electrocuted by overhanging light towers

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Incredibly, his obnoxiousness somehow shields him from injury

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NBC’s space-age split screen technology now enables viewers to fall asleep twice as fast

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So graceful … like a bug hitting your windshield

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Meanwhile, in Chechnya …

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Not the Miracle on Ice

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Still not the Miracle on Ice

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Anything good on C-SPAN?

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For 5.2 seconds, Norway matters

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Americans always display humbleness and dignity on world stage

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Whoops – turns out that knee wasn’t quite ready to go after all

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Sound you hear is of millions of TVs switching to “Walking Dead.”

Loathsomeness 5.8

12 comments:

  1. And as if this isn't all awful enough, we already being subjected to the updated version of "my parents supported me in my personal, not-imposed-by-them-at-all decision to devote every waking moment of my childhood starting at the age of 2 to be a gold medalist" in commercials for Bounty paper towels. I got as far as "Mom was on board with turning the living room into an ice rink" when I hit the mute.

    Because nothing sells paper towels like the celebration of systematic child abuse, I guess.

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    1. I've been bitterly enduring those as well. I'm sure all the living room training will serve the U.S. women's hockey team well in its quest for the gold.

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  2. Meanwhile in the real world, important things are being put on the back burner so that non-entities can whip people into a nationalistic frenzy. This is a peril that Orwell saw years ago when he questioned the usefulness of this sort of display.

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    1. "We are at war with Eurasia. We have always been at war with Eurasia ..."

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    2. George Stephanopolous didn't use his first question to Putin to ask about the country's vicious anti-homosexual agenda or even terrorism. No, it was "are you going to make a personal bet with President Obama on which nation will win the most gold medals?"

      Because yeah being a brutal dictator is bad and all, but let's at least start on the lighter side. Sick.

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    3. Putin doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who makes friendly wagers. He strikes me more as the kind of guy who has people killed.

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  3. 'Is there anything good on C-SPAN?' - LOL! Seriously though, with all these verifiable terrorist threats, the clear persecution of gay men and women, and Putin acting like everything's 'just great!' while, at the same time, US athletes are told not to wear anything showing they're from the US...how many more warning signs and red flags do we need? There will be another Olympics - I usually don't pander to fear mongers, but the games aren't even for two weeks and already it's pretty clear this is going to go badly. How can any of these athletes play with a clear focus on their abilities while wondering if their stadium is going to blow up or if they're so on edge they won't be able to sleep?

    I guess I wonder if any nations are going to say 'forget it...these games are not worth our athletes lives, or their loved ones' lives.'

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    1. International sporting event hosted by goading megalomaniac in seething, terrorist-infested region. What could possibly go wrong?

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  4. Did you see where Putin and his posse went to the tiger preserve, where a half-grown cub crawled into his lap and clawed two of his ministers of oppression? I'm just watching highlights to see Bob Costas' eye melt and if Johnny Weir comes out in a flapper dress.

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  5. You really just hate everything, don't you?

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    Replies
    1. Yes -- except "The Simpsons" and Miranda Kerr.

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