Synopsis: American TV network that paid billions to broadcast outdated sports snoozeathon tries to recoup its investment with video valentine to disintegrating Eurasian kleptocracy ruled by despotic homophobe.
What traditional Winter Olympic venue looks like
What subtropical Black Sea resort looks like
No worries – Putin has ordered God to make it snow
Fascinating cultural attractions conveniently located halfway across humungous country with lousy transportation system
You won’t actually see this, but you can close your eyes and try to imagine it while stone-faced stadium screeners probe your body for explosives a thousand miles away
Under new Russian law, every leotard-wearing male is required to show a current female sexual partner to authorities upon demand
Fanciful presence of Saint Basil’s Cathedral more than makes up for lack of democracy and civil rights
Organizers will later regret placing ice rink in cauldron of supposedly dormant volcano
Russia: Great. Powerful. Not gay.
Russian Army helicopter keeps close watch on skiers heading down Brokeback Mountain
And when he gets home, he can go right to bed, because he’s already in his pajamas
Curling is so boring, I can’t even think of a good joke about it.
Crowd awed by glowing performers from village near Chernobyl
Years of unrelenting psychological pressure and sporadic physical abuse will finally pay off with opportunity to disappoint nation and bring shame on family
Garrett Whogivesashit celebrates winning men’s somethingorother
Apolo Ohno adds absolutely nothing to scope of human existence
Two dissident snowboarders make desperate attempt to escape Olympics before being gunned down by Russian security forces
And who can forget, um … this guy
Infuriated by low scores, ice dancer dramatically slices off right hand with skate blade and gives judges invisible finger
NBC decided to base its entire advertising strategy on Lindsey Vonn
What could possibly go wrong?
As Lindsey completes trial run, Tiger Woods completes weird sex marathon with ex-porn star back at hotel
Good thing it’s 100% certain that she’ll compete
Stoner icon Shaun White proves that flannel-clad dirtbags can kick ass in fake sport they invented while high
As horrified spectators look on, extreme jump causes Shaun to be electrocuted by overhanging light towers
Incredibly, his obnoxiousness somehow shields him from injury
NBC’s space-age split screen technology now enables viewers to fall asleep twice as fast
So graceful … like a bug hitting your windshield
Meanwhile, in Chechnya …
Not the Miracle on Ice
Still not the Miracle on Ice
Anything good on C-SPAN?
For 5.2 seconds, Norway matters
Americans always display humbleness and dignity on world stage
Whoops – turns out that knee wasn’t quite ready to go after all
Sound you hear is of millions of TVs switching to “Walking Dead.”