Friday, January 31, 2014

New Jersey “Stronger”

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Synopsis: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie takes a break from grinding his political opponents into dust to spend $25 million of disaster relief money on an upbeat post-hurricane tourism campaign featuring a revitalized Jersey Shore and, by sheer happenstance, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

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In storm’s silver lining, thousands of Jersey Shore’s roving, feral cats were washed out to sea

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From the top of the historic Barnegat Lighthouse you can see all the way to the traffic jam on the George Washington Bridge

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As the child of Buono voters, Alisha has had to endure many terrible hardships

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She silently rues the day her family moved to Fort Lee

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Old road sign was weaker than the storm, ended up in Philadelphia

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New, high-tech sign is capable of announcing punitive lane closures within seconds after they’re ordered by Governor’s staff

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Resurgent tourism raises number of Saturday beachgoers to five

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Land’s End replaced Candie’s as official outfitter of the Jersey Shore

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Alisha gleefully races off to find Snooki

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New Jersey residents are so resilient, they can write upside-down

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Boardwalk chalk artist’s last job was marking storm-damaged massage parlors for demolition

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Bakery owner hears Chris Christie’s thundering footsteps outside and scrambles to open store

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Sales records will be broken today

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Alisha is too young to understand danger of getting between the Governor and his cupcakes

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Warning: Do not attempt to take shelter in fancy cake during storm

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Municipal worker diligently checks beach for buried hobos

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That’ll keep the hurricanes away

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P.S. Thanks for nothing, God

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Little girl carefully places whimsical flag designed by demoralized 27-year-old production assistant in windowless cubicle

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Atlantic City mayor reluctantly approved sand castle project after Governor’s office threatened to cut off sanitation funds

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Mary Pat is pleased with selection of affair-proof husband, but less enthusiastic about prospect of visiting him in jail

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Andrew never feels more relaxed and comfortable than when he’s serving as a doughy prop for his dad’s political ambitions

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Millions of already-traumatized New Jerseyans mercifully spared sight of Governor in bathing suit

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“You think I wanted to be out here on the freakin’ beach?”

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“I’d rather be back in Trenton doing everything I can to make Mark Sokolich’s life a living hell.”

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“But sometimes, as Governor, I have to do stuff for the good of the state – even if it means paying a politically-connected PR firm twice as much public money as the lowest bidder in order to give me free airtime during an election.”

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“If you’ve got a problem with that, then you’re an idiot.  And your kids are gonna be a few hours late for the first day of school.”

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Sarah and Bridget learned to abuse power from their father, will be indicted by grand jury next week

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Five minutes later, defiant mural obliterated by passing shower

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Not pictured: Hoboken

Loathsomeness: 5.5

6 comments:

  1. Plan your trip today- and to save time, plan alternate exits, too. You'll be glad you did.

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    Replies
    1. "Time for some traffic problems in [your town here]."

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  2. There's a certain irony in writing "stronger than the storm" outside in chalk.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah; dude didn't really think that one through.

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  3. I'd comment but we've got our own rancid, bloated cheeseburger of a politician to contend with.

    ReplyDelete