Synopsis: A nationwide toy store chain synonymous with overpriced, hyper-indulgent crap rescues a busload of elementary school students from the nightmare of learning about nature and delivers them to one of its monstrous superficialization centers to receive a gender stereotypical item of their choice.
Toys R Us’s Willy Wonka is a semi-literate slacker named Brad whose last paycheck came from a local sperm bank with an exceptionally lax screening program
Producer agreed to let him live on the bus while he tried to get things straightened out with his landlord
He thinks that’s how a capital “R” normally looks; also still has trouble with his “S’s”
Unsuspecting school kids glumly resign themselves to horrible day of experiencing the world around them
Bus became available when real “Meet The Trees Foundation” turned out to be front for al Qaeda
Bus is so clean, you could eat off of it. Just ask Brad.
Sandra nods off while he struggles to pronounce “maple.”
I think you might be able to squeeze one more in there …
This is like Dick Cheney’s personal hell.
As usual, Asian kid is only one who knows the answer
Just for kicks, here’s another look at the entirely different set of children shown in the same seats three seconds earlier.
The planet we depend on for life is so BORING …
What’s this? The unkempt imbecile butchering the names of leaves at the front of the bus isn’t a real park ranger?
Julia (left) becomes ecstatic over the big reveal, while Tina (right) tries to avoid being associated with this embarrassing farce
“… and I’m going to take you to a place where they chopped down a thousand trees for the parking lot alone!”
Try to guess how many of them are peeing their pants right now. The answer may surprise you.
Nothing evokes fun and whimsy like a monolithic concrete structure that looks like it was built for Stalin
Non-union giraffe paid less money than screaming brats get for their allowances
The three kids who got trampled to death were secretly entombed in giant tubs of Play-Doh
And not a leaf in sight!
Kids apparently didn’t ask cooperating parents why they had to wear their most stylish outfits for purported nature walk
“NERF is your ruler … all will submit to NERF … “
Meanwhile, in Indonesia, hardworking children who made these toys experience the wonder of a bowl of rice
Sure, it’s an extravagance …
… but the joyful look on his face is worth it
Mark and Daniel burst into tears five minutes later when President Obama stops by to tell them they didn’t build that
Adorable little girl accidentally wanders into boys’ section before being redirected to Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice
This is sure to be a welcome addition to her migraine-suffering single mother’s one-bedroom apartment
Mike views the timeless majesty of moisture-stained celling panels
Erica and Janelle gleefully run toward Barbie pinkpocalypse
Barbie’s got a busy a day ahead of hating math, trying on pretty new dresses, and earning 77 cents on the dollar
This is what happens when you take God out of toy stores
Whoops – that one’s for mommies and daddies who love each other
Jordan couldn’t be more excited about his simulated lethal weapon
He can’t wait to wave this around in the school cafeteria
It should tide him over until his dad buys him a Crickett.
Billy finally finds someone who “gets” him
His future Chinese masters will think of him as a minion, too
Maria attempts to flee from radio-controlled quadcopter moments before crashing into enormous LEGO Death Star
You’re never too young for lipstick or lily-white aspirational figures
Toy R Us’s genetic engineering lab successfully created world’s first fairy, but couldn’t figure out how to keep her from getting sucked into ventilation fans
For girls this age, Disney princesses are like crack
Now Derek won’t have to say another word to his family until he goes off to fight in America’s next inconclusive war
You’ve come a long way, baby. But not really.
Display box for child sold separately
Except the ones the school psychologist told you about
We “R” doomed.