Friday, March 7, 2014

Toys R Us “Field Trip”

Link 01 Logo 01A

Synopsis: A nationwide toy store chain synonymous with overpriced, hyper-indulgent crap rescues a busload of elementary school students from the nightmare of learning about nature and delivers them to one of its monstrous superficialization centers to receive a gender stereotypical item of their choice.

Toys R Us’s Willy Wonka is a semi-literate slacker named Brad whose last paycheck came from a local sperm bank with an exceptionally lax screening program


Producer agreed to let him live on the bus while he tried to get things straightened out with his landlord


He thinks that’s how a capital “R” normally looks; also still has trouble with his “S’s”


Unsuspecting school kids glumly resign themselves to horrible day of experiencing the world around them


Bus became available when real “Meet The Trees Foundation” turned out to be front for al Qaeda


Bus is so clean, you could eat off of it.  Just ask Brad.


Sandra nods off while he struggles to pronounce “maple.”


I think you might be able to squeeze one more in there …


This is like Dick Cheney’s personal hell.


As usual, Asian kid is only one who knows the answer


Just for kicks, here’s another look at the entirely different set of children shown in the same seats three seconds earlier.


The planet we depend on for life is so BORING …


What’s this?  The unkempt imbecile butchering the names of leaves at the front of the bus isn’t a real park ranger?


Julia (left) becomes ecstatic over the big reveal, while Tina (right) tries to avoid being associated with this embarrassing farce


“… and I’m going to take you to a place where they chopped down a thousand trees for the parking lot alone!”


Try to guess how many of them are peeing their pants right now.  The answer may surprise you.


Nothing evokes fun and whimsy like a monolithic concrete structure that looks like it was built for Stalin


Non-union giraffe paid less money than screaming brats get for their allowances


The three kids who got trampled to death were secretly entombed in giant tubs of Play-Doh


And not a leaf in sight!


Kids apparently didn’t ask cooperating parents why they had to wear their most stylish outfits for purported nature walk


“NERF is your ruler … all will submit to NERF … “


Meanwhile, in Indonesia, hardworking children who made these toys experience the wonder of a bowl of rice


Sure, it’s an extravagance …


… but the joyful look on his face is worth it


Mark and Daniel burst into tears five minutes later when President Obama stops by to tell them they didn’t build that


Adorable little girl accidentally wanders into boys’ section before being redirected to Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice


This is sure to be a welcome addition to her migraine-suffering single mother’s one-bedroom apartment


Mike views the timeless majesty of moisture-stained celling panels


Erica and Janelle gleefully run toward Barbie pinkpocalypse


Barbie’s got a busy a day ahead of hating math, trying on pretty new dresses, and earning 77 cents on the dollar


This is what happens when you take God out of toy stores


Whoops – that one’s for mommies and daddies who love each other


Jordan couldn’t be more excited about his simulated lethal weapon


He can’t wait to wave this around in the school cafeteria


It should tide him over until his dad buys him a Crickett.


Billy finally finds someone who “gets” him


His future Chinese masters will think of him as a minion, too


Maria attempts to flee from radio-controlled quadcopter moments before crashing into enormous LEGO Death Star


You’re never too young for lipstick or lily-white aspirational figures


Toy R Us’s genetic engineering lab successfully created world’s first fairy, but couldn’t figure out how to keep her from getting sucked into ventilation fans


For girls this age, Disney princesses are like crack


Now Derek won’t have to say another word to his family until he goes off to fight in America’s next inconclusive war


You’ve come a long way, baby.  But not really.


Display box for child sold separately


Except the ones the school psychologist told you about


We “R” doomed.

Loathsomeness: 9.8


  1. Praise the Lord! Great to see a new geneЯation learning the fine art of the Black Friday stampede. Our holiday news clips are safe for years to come.

    1. I am so impressed with you ability to post a backwards "Я" that I had to cut & paste from your post just to steal it!

      Yes, what Я we coming to? In some ways, gender stereotyping is worse than at the turn of the last century, women still don't make as much as men, and kids couldn't care less about the planet--all that, and this commercial glorifies it.

    2. You're behind the times, Steven. "Black Friday" is now called "Thanksgiving."

      Future Walmart tramplers (or tramplees), no doubt. But there are plenty of examples of stampeding behavior in the animal kingdom, so I guess these kids are learning something about nature, after all.

  2. I used to work at Toys R Us HQ. You can tell this was just an ad: the store's not filthy and they actually have toys on the shelves. However, just like real life, there's not an employee in sight.

    1. Plenty of magic and fairy dust, though ...

  3. Ah, yes. The toy industry.....the gateway drug for gender bias. It starts with Cinderella eating children and ends with trophy wives driving Lexuses......

  4. If Malibu Stacy dolls were real, Toys R Us would sell them.

  5. So, problematically, I can see it both ways. Some of the people commenting here seem to think that all this does is promote consumerism in kids and enslave them to big, bad corporations that want nothing beyond your money. On the other hand, these kids are still learning about nature in school and it was pretty obvious a number of them were into even something as simple as the leaf answering portion. The editors of this commercial likely did a pick-and-choose of the kids looking the most tired/bored to imply they would rather be doing anything else, which is the stupider part. It's no surprise that kids love toys, so I'm not seeing a problem with them getting a hour or two to go run around Toys 'R' Us play-testing some toys.

    Also, the kid who chose the more expensive XBox One rather than the doll or figurine was certainly the smartest of the bunch.

    1. Yes, kids who select the most expensive toys that do all of their imagining for them clearly are the smartest.

    2. If you were the parent, would you rather your kid pick out the 5 dollar action figure for free and then badger you to buy them the 500 dollar console?
      Hell, if that were my kid I'd tell him I was proud of 'im :)

    3. I've neatly avoided this problem by not having any kids.

  6. I dunno, perhaps I've just been suckered into a consumerist stupor, but I actually smiled at this one. I think it's because as an adult, I could walk in and buy anything in that store, and yet it wouldn't bring me one tenth the joy it brings those kids (well, except for maybe a PS4). It's kind of a sad irony. By the time you get a job and can buy your own $50 squirt guns, they're no longer the fun-gasm inducing tools of awesomeness they used to be.

    1. Sadder still, that's not only true of toys, but of most things that brought joy as a kid.

      Time for a drink.

    2. I find that as I get older, I can still take pleasure in the things I took pleasure from in my youth.
      It's just that, as with erections, that feeling no longer happens so spontaneously. And may require chemical intervention . . . .


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