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Tuesday, September 23, 2014

NFL “We Make Football”

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Synopsis: Violent but forgiving American football league promotes its own television network as an orgy of inane blather occasionally interrupted by actual live games that comprise less than 1% of its annual programing content.

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Quarterback Matthew Stafford astonished by snow, Lions victory

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Bears players released from holding cell ten minutes before kickoff

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“Alright – listen up!  It’s against league rules to deliberately try to injure an opposing player!”

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“So if you need to physically abuse someone, do it to your girlfriend, wife, or children!”

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“Just make sure you’re not videotaped while you do it, or you might receive a stiff TWO-GAME suspension from the Commissioner, which is half of what you’d get for smoking pot!”

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On the advice of his attorney, inside linebacker Patrick Willis declines to answer question about how he spent 49ers’ bye week

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NFL GameDay crew spots Ray Rice in studio

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They’re also concerned about the growing Ebola crisis in West Africa, but right now they need to focus all of their attention on whether the Saints can convert this critical third down

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“For a roundup of pending criminal proceedings against players in tonight’s game, let’s go to sideline reporter Alan Dershowitz.”

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There isn’t enough Budweiser on Earth to dull the pain of Jay Cutler’s latest inexplicable meltdown

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At press time, Texans’ All-Pro Arian Foster has not been implicated in a sexual assault or domestic violence incident.  In fact, other than his ex-mistress’ claim that he pressured her to have an abortion in order to avoid paying child support, his record is completely clean.

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Somehow this validates a lifetime of underachievement

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Likeable superstar running back Adrian Peterson as the face of the NFL?  What could possibly go wrong?

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I wonder if it’s too late to “switch.”

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The Kansas City Chiefs, unlike some of the women in their lives, are tough to beat at home

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Lions cornerback Rashean Mathis is blindsided by 200 cans of pepper spray when he attempts to take the field

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Michael Irvin enlists Warren Sapp’s help in counting the number of criminal charges he’s faced during his career

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Next up: Fantasy Sentencing Hearings

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God turns away from ferry disaster in the Philippines to answer fat moron’s desperate plea to stop Rams on fourth-and-inches

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Just one second left until you have to resume thinking about your job, marital problems, and ever-increasing mortality

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Fun fact: each one of their votes counts as much as yours.

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On minus side, Colts fans still have to live in Indianapolis

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Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel wipes residual cocaine from his nose as he runs 40-yard dash in impressive 4.68 seconds at NFL Combine

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Afterward he barely had enough energy to climb into a hot tub filled with fawning bikini babes slurping down jello shots

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If Peyton Manning plays for two-and-a-half more seasons without any new endorsement deals, he has a chance to appear in as many games as doltish TV commercials

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No remotely intelligent human being could possibly care what these two people have to say

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Because breakfast is the perfect time to discuss pros and cons of Roddy White getting fluid drained from his knee

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Deion Sanders’s ex-wife has accused him of attempted murder – but, in Deion’s defense, she’s even crazier than he is

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In his exuberance to take the “Lambeau Leap,” NFL Network analyst Steve Mariucci accidentally elbows young cancer patient in the head

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Cody hopes he’ll live long enough to regain sight in left eye

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Seven of the nine players huddled in this post-game prayer circle will later reconvene at a North Seattle strip club

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Die-hard Eagles fans cheer for goal-line stand (Not Pictured: dead Cowboys fan tossed from upper deck)

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In surprise move, Miami Dolphins use first-round pick to select Louis Farrakhan

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He’s considered to be an upgrade at the quarterback position

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Jubilant SEC standout waves to parole officer on way to stage

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Great left tackles don’t grow on trees, but a tree would make a better left tackle than Chiefs’ $22.1 million fiasco Eric Fisher

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Persistent headaches + memory loss + personality changes + chronic depression + suicidal tendencies + early death = 15-yard penalty

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Officials’ four-minute video review following completion of this play will make it even more exciting

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After receiver is carted off field with season-ending collarbone injury, paramedic will tell him that he failed to land in bounds

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LeSean McCoy plans to celebrate tonight’s win by leaving some lucky restaurant waiter one of his trademark 20-cent tips

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Also, gobs of money

Loathsomeness: 7.4

12 comments:

  1. I haven't watched a minute of the NFL this season, and haven't missed it at all. Thanks for reminding me why.

    Welcome back. This post was worth the wait.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sportball is treated with the gravitas that used to be reserved for great works of art and culture. I don't understand the obsession, and doubt I ever will. It's all bread and circuses, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some say organized sport is a substitute for war; but you'd think now that we have so many real wars to capture our attention, we could stop treating it like life and death.

      Delete
  3. Sportsball! Me love Sportsball! Do not speak badly of... uh... never mind, back to playing with my own feces.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you do that on a football field, the NFL Network will show highlights.

      Delete
  4. Not pictured: NFL owners basking in tax-exempt status while cities go bankrupt building stadiums.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. By League rule, all new stadiums must include a rape crisis center and distribute photos of players currently subject to a restraining order.

      Delete
  5. For posts like this, the NFL will send their new "Offensive On-line Judge" Richie Incognito to impose your penalty and fine...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ... right after he returns from his peacekeeping mission to Ferguson, Missouri.

      Delete
  6. As usual many men fall asleep on Sunday afternoon pretending to watch football too.

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    Replies
    1. Well, to be fair, half of them are drunk -- but I see your point.

      Delete

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