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Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Bayer “Bob’s Heart Attack”

Link 03 Logo 01A

Synopsis: A middle-aged small business owner receives written warning of an impending, near-fatal heart attack, then restores his immortality by taking low dose aspirin.

00 
Bob begins Friday morning meeting with cheerful small talk before telling staff he’s sold company for five million bucks and they’re all being fired

-0:00-

00A
It’s always hard to let good people go, but he’ll have two weeks at Sandals to try to get over it

-0:00-

00B
Suddenly the administrative assistant who disregarded Bob’s prior suggestion to “dress a little sexier” enters with an urgent message

-0:00-

00C
“Thanks, Mary – and really great spin you put on the meaning of ‘no interruptions.’”

-0:01-

01
Can’t believe I thought about doing that airhead.

-0:01-

01A
This must be about my tee time …

-0:02-

02
Uh-oh … it’s from a vengeful God

-0:02-

02A
Bob hopes it doesn’t happen while he’s in the john – that would be embarrassing

-0:03-

03
On the bright side, it doesn’t say anything about Ebola

-0:04-

04
“Dramatization” disclaimer reminds viewers that this is not actually a man learning of a future cardiac event via Post-it Note

-0:05-

05
Bob wonders if he can reschedule near-death experience to coincide with sister-in-law’s visit next month

-0:06-

06A
Hmmm … it’s not notarized …

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07
I should get my lawyer to look at this – maybe there’s some kind of a loophole.

-0:07-

07A
To prove He’s not messing around, God gives Bob a startling preview of the afterlife

-0:07-

07B
Utter, infinite nothingness negates existence of Shia LaBeouf, so it’s not all bad

-0:08-

08
After surviving heart attack, Bob put on ten extra pounds and started wearing hospital gown around house

-0:09-

09
In next room, Julia unenthusiastically practices using defibrillator while daydreaming about next husband

-0:09-

09A
The official aspirin of the Third Reich, now in an easy-open bottle

-0:10-

10
FYI – your next paper cut will take three days to stop bleeding.

-0:11-

11
Bob almost feels good enough to start cheating on his wife again

-0:11-

11A
If these interfere with his low dose Cialis, he’ll have a very difficult decision to make

-0:12-

12
Just in case someone’s filming, Bob makes sure to carefully grasp all his medications so that his fingers don’t cover the label

-0:13-

13 
WARNING: If you take the whole bottle at once, it’s no longer considered a “low dose.”

-0:14-

14 
The brand recommended by 4 out of 5 Korean airline stewardesses

Loathsomeness: 6.6

7 comments:

  1. When this choad first sees the note, the look he gives says nothing more to me than "how will this impact my stock options" or "that reminds me, we've been spending a lot of money on post-it notes this quarter- better lay some people off."

    Know what all of these Bayer "heart attacks don't come with a warning sign" ads have in common? They never feature anyone the world would miss.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Know what all of these Bayer "heart attacks don't come with a warning sign" ads have in common? They never feature anyone the world would miss" - ha! thank you for that

      Delete
    2. The silver lining is, at least they had the heart attack.

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  2. Once again, the ad men make the foolish mistake of having an unsympathetic protagonist star in their ad. I wonder why it is that they're all taught "People will hate this person but buy our product anyway."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe they're trying to convey the message, "This medicine is so effective, it even works on total assholes who deserve to die."

      Delete
  3. Why are there no BMW commercials, those are always the most heinous people?

    ReplyDelete

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