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Thursday, November 20, 2014

Buick “The Garcias”

Link 01 Logo 01F

Synopsis: A couple of insecure Onepercentians creepily covet their neighbors’ new Buick prickmobile.

00 
Life is good in Fruitopia …

-0:01-

01
… where it’s always the right time for a glass of freshly-squeezed lemorange juice

-0:02-

02
“Looks like the Garcias got a new penis – I mean car.”

-0:03-

03
Kirk and his horrible haircut sense a disturbance in the Force

-0:04-

04 
Just think, this human drain clog makes 7 times as much as you do.

-0:05-

05
Marla experiences her first orgasm since President Obama took office

-0:06-

06
Like the current Administration, it started out with great promise, then fizzled at the end

-0:07-

07 
Comes fully equipped with side-impact airbags and smug sense of self-entitlement

-0:09-

09
Good thing Kirk had his leering binoculars handy

-0:10-

10
Magnification is strong enough to capture the Garcias’  teenage daughter going to cheer practice, so viewing their monstrous car should be no problem

-0:11-

11
Sure, their lives are already perfect … but they could be perfecter

-0:12-

12
“I should double-check their immigration status …“

-0:13-

13
Say what you will about his ride, but Mr. Garcia is one smoldering hunk of man-meat

-0:14-

14 
No reason to park Buick behind security gate, because no sane person would steal it

-0:15-

15
Marla wonders where the Garcias purchased their car and also what Mr. Garcia looks like without his shirt

-0:16-

16
Unfortunately, she thought the thing she meant to say, and said the thing she meant to think

-0:16-

16A
Well, it’s too late now

-0:17-

17
Kirk will add this to his emasculation diary

-0:18-

18
“Hey neighbors!  Just stopping back at my palatial house to sexually satisfy my wife before heading off to the gym!”

-0:18-

18A
“I thought I might’ve dinged your Volvo as I was driving up, but then I realized it was just a trash bin.”

-0:19-

19
If Kirk wasn’t afraid of catching Ebola, he’d go out there and give Garcia a piece of his mind

-0:19-

19A
He doesn’t feel like squeezing anything anymore

-0:22-

22 
Like the old Buick, only douchier

Loathsomeness: 9.2

21 comments:

  1. thanks, I knew you'd pull another masterpiece out of this horrible pile of crap. Dear freaking lord, these people have a kitchen twice the size of my apartment, and they are envious of the neighbor's CAR? Besides, can we safely assume that there's nothing to prevent these a-holes from going out tomorrow and buying one of these for themselves?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the suggestion -- I'd forgotten about this one until you mentioned it. Loathsome on so many levels.

      Delete
  2. A lemorange toast to you for skewering this vile diorama of gated-community angst! May I humbly request that you next consider taking at the latest Jared "I Speak Pandora" bracelet abomination?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lemorange juice all around ... and, God in heaven, you're right about that Jared Pandora commercial -- an excellent candidate. Jared ads rarely disappoint.

      Delete
  3. If they're jealous of the Garcias, just imagine if the Lexus December pricks moved to their neighborhood (http://www.pointlessplanet.com/2010/12/lexus-december.html#.VG-rITTF9ps)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah -- you could never top those fuckers.

      Delete
  4. Gee, this is bound to make people want to buy the useless things. I wonder exactly when they decided that pitchmen must be loathesome drips like this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Give them credit -- they know their customers.

      Delete
  5. Have you thought of skewering this one?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3wrHTJuXz8

    It's got everything - the clueless guy, the shrill, nagging wife. Er... well, that's about it. Still kinda checks all the boxes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, "Jake, from State Farm." I've been toiling away here in obscurity for years, and that fictional character now has his own fan club and an entry in Urban Dictionary.

      Delete
  6. The only way to save this commercial is if Señor Garcia mouths to his neighbors through their binoculars "Viva La Raza"!

    ReplyDelete
  7. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Just the reaction these commercial gurus' want!!! It's a subliminal message to enrage the white redneck with the weak looking glassed idiot with the binochs representing the fore mentioned.Now the wife wants Garcia's cawk and that has the white man scared!!!Thus whenever the white redneck feels threatened they buy buy buy...get it yet??? Take a closer look at the white weak nerd with the glasses and you will notice they even did some nice red makeup around his nose to give the white man an even more sickly weak feeling.BRAINWASHING at its best!!!They know the average white redneck is too dumb to figure it out..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My only quibble with this is that true "rednecks" probably are not Buick's target audience. They're after a different shade of white.

      Delete
  8. So, the materialistic b!tch stoops to a new low, kicking her nerdy husband in the balls and letting him know she'd "trade in" his little white c0ck for Mr. Garcia's Latino manmeat in a New York second!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Buick strongly believes in diversity.

      Delete
  9. This insane world needs more ridiculing of advertising. The more the better really. Keep up the good work.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I like the one where granny is in the passenger seat admiring (apparently) the young man's "stick shift".

    ReplyDelete

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