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Sunday, December 14, 2014

Lexus “Christmas Stories”

Link A Link B Link C
Logo 03F

Synopsis: New Lexus owners offer their impressionable young children three fanciful explanations for how white luxury cars with giant red bows ended up in their driveways on Christmas morning while the rest of America struggles to make ends meet.

PART ONE: “THE TRAIN”

A01 
Largess Express heads for Onepercentia

-0:05-

A05
Like “Snowpiercer,” only first class all the way through

-0:06-

A06
Ironically, trackless street will be destroyed by 200-ton locomotive, making pretentious driving impossible

-0:08-

A08
Non-union elf can’t believe he has to work on Christmas

-0:08-

A08A
If this were Amtrak, Joe Biden would walk out with a copy of Rolling Stone tucked under his arm

-0:10-

A10
The most appealing image of a car you will see in this commercial

-0:10-

A10A
Ribbon carefully positioned so that driver is completely blinded as he approaches narrow off-loading ramp

-0:13-

A13 
There’s no better way to honor Jesus

-0:15-

A15
It gets 28 mpg highway, or 30 mpg without the giant bow

-0:17-

A17
Next stop, Mitt Romney’s house

-0:18-

A18 
Deserving family gathers to appreciate scarves and luxury car

-0:19-

A19
No newborn being has ever emerged from “Mom’s” pristine body

-0:19-

A19A
Actor playing “Dad” got his start as a model for the Jack of Spades

-0:20-

A20
Odds of Taylor getting shot by cops while playing with toy gun = 0

-0:22-

A22
The white … it burns …

-0:23-

A23
Whimsical snowman built by production crew shows fake family’s fun side, also disproves global warming

PART TWO: “THE BOX”

B01
Ignoring the desperate pleas of millions of impoverished children, Santa stops at the home of some rich asshole to personally deliver a gift that costs more than the annual income of 90% of humanity

-0:03-

B03 
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

-0:04-

B04
Unless box contains the Ebola virus, we now have conclusive proof that life is unfair

-0:04-

B04A
Lousy things come in small packages

-0:05-

B05 
Even at this early stage of development, many believe that aborting Lexus fetus is murder

-0:06-

B06
Miraculous transformation will come to a disappointing end if homeowner suddenly backs out of the garage in his Hummer

-0:08-

B08 
If you set it up wrong, it turns into the International Space Station

-0:09-

B09 
This is going to put a lot of assembly line robots out of work

-0:10-

B10
Don’t forget the exploding airbags …

-0:12-

B12
Inside Lexus, Lexus dashboard display reminds Lexus owner that he’s driving a Lexus

-0:13-

B13
Hood was already down in preceding frame, but, whatever …

-0:14-

B14
And – voila! – a fully-assembled symbol of America’s descent into crapitude

-0:16-

B16A
Family had a good laugh after initially telling maid car was for her

-0:18-

B18
By court order, Lexus is required to portray African-Americans in at least one-third of its commercials

-0:18-

B18A 
Company told ad agency it wanted the “Lands’ End“ kind, not the “I Can’t Breathe” kind

-0:19-

B19
Robert breaks the conspicuous consumption color barrier in style

-0:20-

B20
Kids can barely contain their excitement upon seeing the fifth new car their parents have purchased since 2008

-0:20-

B20B
“Whoa … and every family got one, right, Dad?”

-0:21-

B21
“Uh, yeah, probably … “

-0:22-

B22
“Hey – who wants to go back inside and open more presents?”

PART THREE: “THE TELEPORTER”

C00
Animals can always sense when something terrible is coming …

-0:02-

C02
Lexus RX has higher ground clearance to more easily pass over income inequality protesters

-0:03-

C03 
Ravenous raccoons prepare for ambush, worry that driver’s brain isn’t big enough for full meal

-0:03-

C03A
“You know, Phil, I’m tired … I’m really, really tired … “

-0:05-

C05
Lexus slowly approaches shimmering Self-Entitlement Arch

-0:06-

C06 
Floating north polar ice sheet supports abundant trees and wildlife

-0:08-

C08
“In the name of Satan – I mean, Santa – I direct this vehicle to … “

-0:11-

C11
Warranty excludes coverage for electrical damage caused by contact with supercharged plasma

-0:11-

C11A
Owl sagely observes proceedings, digests slow-footed field mouse

-0:12-

C12
Evidently no one could think of a better use for a teleporter

-0:12-

C12A 
The first time they tried this, car rematerialized in living room, crushing hedge fund manager as he fixed his mistress a martini

-0:13-

C13
Elves occasionally piss through wormhole when Santa isn’t looking

-0:15-

C15
House has all the warmth and charm of your local bank

-0:15-

C15A
Not Pictured: alcoholic mother passed out in bathtub

-0:18-

C18
“Dad – what does ‘douchebag’ mean?”

-0:19-

C19
“People keep shouting that when they drive by.”

-0:20-

C20
“Just look at the car, honey.”

-0:24-

C24
God bless them all.

-0:27-

C27
Mostly I’ll remember the vomit.

-0:29-

C29 
Because, let’s face it, you’re probably going to hell anyway

Loathsomeness: 9.9

24 comments:

  1. So evidently Santa is willing to overlook the naughty transgressions of those who manage his money

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He may know when you're awake, but he has no idea if you're using investor funds to make risky bets on derivatives.

      Delete
  2. The actors in "The Train" are the worst depiction of Latinos since, well, last year's Lexus commercials.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are they Latinos? They don't really look it to me, except maybe the hot wife. Then again, I don't see color -- just douchey Lexus owners.

      Delete
  3. This takes the question of WWJD to a whole new level (answer? buy a Lexus, of course!).

    I'd give this one a 10 on the Loathsomeness scale...or a 30, seeing as you are actually featuring THREE commercials.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We would have given them a "10," but after heated debate at our Board of Editors meeting, we concluded that they aren't quite as loathsome as this one: Lexus "December"

      Delete
  4. This blog is doing the Lord's work

    ReplyDelete
  5. Obvious ethnic trophy wife at :19. When it came time to sell her soul, she chose wisely.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What passes for diversity in Onepercentia.

      Delete
  6. For extra obnoxiousness (and to bump up to a 10.0 rating) they should drive these cars through downtrodden neighborhoods, such as those ravaged by soda tax.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Yay! It's once again that magical time of year when obnoxious Lexus commercials get their well-deserved snarky comeuppance at the hands of our friendly neighborhood Editor. And this time it's a three-for-one deal! My Chrismahanukkah wish came true!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Even in the darkest of days, those Lexus ads keep me going.

      Delete
  8. I'm dreading the day that Bell Helicopter moves into TV advertising and starts selling Jetrangers as the ideal gift for the citizen of Onepercentia who has everything.

    At least we'd be spared commercials like this.
    "Oh, how did Santa get that new 505X with the mahagony interior furnishings into our driveway? He had his elves land it here, you little idiot. Now go check on your mom and make sure she didn't OD on percocet again like last year."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It would be worth it to see the giant red bow on top of the JetRanger get drawn into the propeller and cause the copter to careen into the owner's McMansion.

      Delete
  9. The funny part is that these are what they came up with after a clear attempt to water down the douchiness a little bit. May they all choke to death on Pandora beads.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For comparison purposes: Lexus "December"

      The "Red Hot Love Bead" should do the trick: Jared "Red Hot"

      Delete
  10. "Wow, you guys must have been really good this year."

    Subliminal message: If you don't wake up with a Lexus in your driveway on x-mas, it's because you're an asshole.

    Words fail me so I'm just going to quote The Editor here: "..if there’s a God in heaven, someday everyone who regards obscenely-priced cars as stocking stuffers will get what’s coming to them."

    ReplyDelete
  11. Great. Three more reasons to hate the people who drive these God-awful F*ckyoumobiles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If there's some kind of a profanity filter on here, I'm not aware of it; so, please, feel free to write "Fuckyoumobile." In fact, I believe that's the actual name of Lexus's 2016 sedan.

      Delete
  12. Ever since your comment about the Lexus grilles looking like Hitler mustaches (in the Dolph / Kriesta commercial), I can't unsee them, and now chuckle whenever I see one of these drive by. My goal now is to actually meet a douchebag Lexus owner and tell him this so that s/he can't unsee it, either.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can think of no worthier endeavor. Here's that post (see 0:38): Lexus "Crowd"

      Delete

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