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Sunday, March 29, 2015

Carl’s Jr. “All-Natural”

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Synopsis: Sexism-supporting supermodel Charlotte McKinney slowly struts past a gratuitous gauntlet of suggestive groceries and bug-eyed creeps before stopping to take an unswallowed bite out of an “all-natural” but still indigestible Carl’s Jr. hamburger.

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Typical outdoor farmers’ market excludes hippies, kids, and dogs …

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… but welcomes fake-naked supermodels in soft focus

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Unnoticed by leering gawkers, fully-dressed woman in background is twice as hot

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Charlotte discreetly checks her enormous boobs to make sure they’re having a good time

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They seem to be doing okay.

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Evidently no male supermodels were available.

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What every woman wants – to stoke the sexual fantasies of scrawny, cretinous dirtbags

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You guys know that you can see millions of actually nude women for free online, right?

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This sure beats taking last month’s Cosmo into the bathroom at the public library

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Ted needs a cold shower – or, frankly, any kind of shower

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Horticulturalists will require an eight-hour operation to separate these conjoined tomatoes

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Unfortunately, only one is expected to live

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Carl’s Jr. believes that women react to strangers pinching their butts with mild bemusement

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Models usually don’t pay much attention to traveling ice shavers …

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… but today is Ralph’s lucky day

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Whoops … well, now you know why he can’t keep a girlfriend.

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“Nothing comes between me and my 100% all-natural — “

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“Hey, listen up – they’re paying me by the double entendre!”

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Zero weight above the shoulders proves she’s literally an airhead

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The subtle artistry of Carl’s Jr. commercials can be appreciated on so many levels.

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Bernard hilariously considers molesting young woman half his age

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Alas, he’ll have to settle for another afternoon of stalking college girls in the park

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Surprise – it turns out that this nationally-televised restaurant ad subject to FCC regulations does not contain full-frontal nudity.

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Sometimes a baguette is just a baguette – but not this time

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God bless America.

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She’s like a blonde python.

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Nothing’s sexier than watching a slice of onion go up a chick’s nose

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She’s really enjoying that burger she’s not eating.

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Imagine this with limp white lettuce, flavorless unripe tomatoes, and funny-tasting cheese, flattened to the height of one inch, and you’ll know exactly what you’ll get.

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Stay classy, Carl.

Loathsomeness: 9.1

5 comments:

  1. Oh, great. The official burger of soft-core porn. Perhaps they're trying to remind people of Three's Company.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, if you count Charlotte and the two reasons she was hired to appear in this ad, that does total three.

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  2. She is quite obviously NOT wearing that particular bikini top in the earlier screen caps - the straps are not there. Which would likely be why there were no "undesirables" (particularly children) in the background - close set since she was likely at least topless during the shoot. Or she at least was during the tomato part - there's no string along her back. I haven't watched the video, depending on how much bounce she's got going, quite likely during the portions here she's visible essentially only from the areola up (that's the part of the boob that is the color of a nipple but not nipple, for those who are breast-anatomy-lexicon-challenged), she was wearing a corset to minimize the amount of bounce in/out of camera. I'm a *naturally* busty gal so I know personally and intimately the physics involved in such things with *non-augmented* breasts, but augmented ones are less bounce-prone so those rules may not apply here (I'm not interested in examining her closely enough to check, but if a woman lays on her back yet her boobs stay perky without a bra, she's most likely had surgery to make that happen - natural boobs generally squish to the sides significantly).

    Keep it classy, yup. This makes me want to go breastfeed in their restaurants. The commercial made my baby hungry, you see.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Best. Comment. Ever. You're like the female Copernicus of breasts. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to take a cold shower.

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    2. "And yet, they move..."

      Ok, that was Galileo, same diff.

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