Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Cruz “Leading the Fight”

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Synopsis: Courageous Calgary-born carbon-loving Christian conservative crackpot Ted Cruz kicks off his incomprehensible presidential campaign by sharing his carefully edited personal story and touting his bold, independent-minded leadership that allows uncompromising Tea Party fanatics to control him like a political sock puppet.

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Meet Ted Cruz – now 0% Canadian

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Cruz’s father hated communism so much, he fled Cuba two years before the communists took power … and four years after fighting for Fidel Castro

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Rafael Edward Cruz’s first words were, “Repeal Obamacare.”

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Cruz’s mother insisted that all family photos be sepia-toned and convey honest, conservative values

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Her honest, conservative husband abandoned her in Alberta after fathering her child, then was guided by Jesus to reconcile with her, then ended up divorcing her anyway

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GOP candidate’s unhappy children forced to appear in schmaltzy campaign video against their will

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From left to right: Ted, Catherine, Heidi, Heidi’s Hair, and Caroline

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The Cruz girls, separated by three years, are always dressed exactly alike, which is not at all weird

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After conclusively refuting global warming, Cruz takes family on a much-needed vacation to Antarctica

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Cruz clan prays for God to smite Barack Obama before he finishes destroying America, and also for more sweaters

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“ … and that’s why I won’t rest until I have personally terrified every impressionable child in the United States.”

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Diverse young people trucked in by Cruz handlers provide reassuring backdrop as Ted addresses usual crowd of white middle-aged hicks

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“If Obamacare isn’t stopped, every single one of you will be dead in six months and your organs shipped to Iran.”

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Princeton and Harvard have a lot of explaining to do.

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According to a recent study by The Heritage Foundation, $15 trillion of nation’s debt is caused by misallocated food stamps used to buy vodka and lobster

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Update: it is working.

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We must stop illegal influx of Dodge Durangos across our borders

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Welcome to America.  Now get out.

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Cruz warmly shakes hands with Jewish leader who, according to his own faith, is destined for hell

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Meanwhile, ISIS militants celebrate takeover of Amarillo Walmart

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Heartless IRS bastards expect Americans to pay for the benefits and protections they receive from their elected government

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Lois Lerner singled out certain nonprofit organizations for differential tax treatment.  She also eats puppies.

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THEM: Washington fat cats on a mission to take your money and regulate your life

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YOU: a sensible suburban mom aged 26-35 who may or may not work outside the home or have a husband but still maintains a decent figure and spends time with your adorable blond son while wondering how our once-great country lost its way

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In an unexpected announcement, Cruz confirms long-rumored affair with Candice Bergen

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See if you can find any African-American, Hispanic, or Asian people in this audience – it’s fun if you don’t like surprises.

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Ted thought he spotted one, but it turns out it was a member of his security detail

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If Ted Cruz is elected President, creation scientists finally will get the funding they need to prove that God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve …

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… and U.S. elementary school students will once again recite the Pledge of Allegiance, instead of the Koran

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Tragically, both Washington and Jefferson died before they had a chance to declare that America was a Christian nation and disavow their lifelong support for the separation of church and state

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Inside all-American barn is all-American meth lab

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Vladimir Putin shudders at sight of outdated, unarmed stunt aircraft

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America rebuked terrorists by building ugly, uninspired monolith that was completed years behind schedule and way over budget

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“I just wanted to thank you for helping me decide not to be gay.”

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Ted Cruz is even more leaderly in his Lands’ End jacket

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“Sure, you could vote for some other idiotic, right-wing nutjob like Rand Paul, Ben Carson, Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, Bobby Jindal, or whoever else tries to stuff themselves into the 2016 Republican clown car … “

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“.. but if you want someone who actually believes all the asinine, patently absurd things they say, and has the courage to try to turn those insane notions into public policy, then I hope you’ll support me on my journey to become the next – and probably last – President of the United States.”

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“I’m a complete moron, and I approve this message.”

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Admit it, you’d kinda like to see all the crazy shit that would happen

Loathsomeness: 8.0

31 comments:

  1. Thank you for this.. just, thank you.

    Is it even worth mentioning the ultimate irony of the birther support this guy garners or does it go without saying?

    I gather you're a lawyer so I'd love to hear your opinion on the matter. I'm the silly meteorologist that made that stupid cloud comment on your Kwik-Fill post so I'm a little out of my realm when it comes to legal matters but I just can't wrap my head around the fact that Cruz is (without dispute) literally everything the "birthers" claimed BO is: foreign born, American mother, immigrant father, etc. Help me understand!

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    1. Hey man -- I remember you. Thanks for checking back in. Yes, I'm a lawyer, so you can see how well I'm putting my education to use.

      Apparently, after the Birthers were humiliated by Obama, everyone decided that OF COURSE the constitutional requirement that, to be president, a person must be a "natural born citizen" means only that one of his or her parents have been an American citizen at the time of birth, regardless of whether the person was born inside or outside the United States, even though this issue had been widely debated for decades, and the Supreme Court has never directly ruled on it. So the consensus among legal scholars today is that, due to his mother's citizenship, Cruz is qualified to be president, despite the fact that he was born in Canada, and is also a total imbecile.

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    2. I check in all the time, your site is one of my favorites! As for putting education to use, it's quite the position to be in to be teaching college classes in meteorology and climatology when the governor of your state won't even acknowledge the phrases "global warming" and "climate change," but that's neither here nor there.

      I maintain that I'm okay with Cruz running if that is in fact what the law says (I defer to the judgement of people like you). It just leaves me puzzled about what the birther movement was all about.

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    3. The whole birther movement was a temper tantrum at having a black president.

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    4. Cant believe the Americans would choose donald trump over ted cruz! Lol

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  2. See silly, it's different for Cruz because his daddy wasn't from a "Muslim" country like Kenya.... He was from a respected American style democracy like Cuba. What? You say Cuba's Communist? Oh, okay, so it must be because at least his daddy was around to raise him right. No? He split too? Hmmmm, I guess it must be that HIS momma was just more MURICAN. Obama's mom was from Kansas and can trace her family back to the American Revolution? Shit... I guess that just leaves that one boy is named Ted and the other boy was named Barack. Oh, he went by Barry in school? Don't suppose it could be because one guy could "pass" as all white and the other guy looks biracial could it? Could it? Yup I think that is pretty much what it boils down to. Pathetic right? Oh and Criz yells Jeebus louder. Maybe if our president had claimed to speak in tongues or handled rattlesnakes or some other such nonsense they would been a teeny bit less crazed. On the other hand I think he really would have had to bleach his skin for the far right to accept him. Which is pretty ironic considering he is basically an old school Republican before the Jeebus loonies took over the party. (pre-Reagan).

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    1. After consulting their dog-eared copies of the Constitution, I'm sure the Birthers would be willing to compromise and allow Obama to be three-fifths of a president.

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    2. Hilarious, thanks for all the laughs

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  3. The imbecile clearly thinks that his record of being a combative, disruptive asshole and waterboy for the petrochemical industry make him the ideal candidate. This might be the case if he wants to be the next Prime Minister of Canada.....

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  4. So what is his campaign logo supposed to symbolize, anyway? The noble tears of hardworking Americans, hopes dashed by eight years of Kenyan Muslim commie socialism? A drop of oil from the Keystone pipeline which of course will be fast-tracked through the new administration, aquifers that serve millions be damned...or the holy fire we'll rain down on ISIS, North Korea, and anyone else who looks at us funny?

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    1. Flip it sideways and it kinda looks like a star-spangled replica of his hair

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    2. Yeah, the teardrop logo was an interesting choice. At first I thought it might be a red, white, and blue flame, but then I remembered that Ted is strongly opposed to flag burning.

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  5. 1:28 - Also, excited Pledge reciters get to actually choose from an array of parochial school wear. America IS freedom!

    Seriously, I hope this is just the first entry based on 2016 campaign commercials. Terrific stuff.

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    1. Thanks, I appreciate that. And, yes, I expect we'll be doing a lot of political ads between now and the 2016 election. They're almost impossible to resist.

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  6. Again, new to this site. I posted yesterday on your gun control piece. You should be replacing John Stewart. Seriously.

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    1. Hey man -- replied to you on the NRA post earlier. Thanks again; that's really cool of you to say.

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  7. You are one funny dude. Love the way you use photos and caps. Glad I discovered your site.

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    1. Thanks; glad to have you. Please keep checking in.

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  8. I just found this site and it is AWESOME!! I love it and will come back every day! Keep up the good work!

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  9. What is it about his face? The deep set eyes that are too close together? That large, rubbery "tragedy face" mouth? Or is it the weak chin? He just looks so very, very punch able.
    And it's true: Google "Joe McCarthy" and you will see a definite resemblance.

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    1. To me, he looks more like Grampaw Munster

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    2. Don't forget the "Pep Boys" hair.

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    3. OMG, you're right! The "large, rubbery tragedy face mouth"--love that description! This whole thing cracked me up--great work!

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  10. Truer today than ever!

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  11. There's just something about Cruz that says slime bucket. He's just so damn ugly. There is no way he was born in 1970...he has to be at least 10-15 years older.
    Yuck. Just yuck. I don't want to look at or listen to that for the next four years.

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