PLEASE VISIT OUR NEW SITE NITWITIA

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Slim Jeggings “Stretch”

Link 01 Logo 01E

Synopsis: In another triumph of American exceptionalism, some fashion genius creates elastic leggings made to look like the “skinny” jeans that most U.S. women can no longer wear without surgery.

02 
Ordinary jeans that you deliberately bought three sizes too small in order to continue deceiving yourself about your undesirable weight gain somehow never seem to fit

-0:03-

03
If inseam enters your uterus, you can get a little more wiggle room

-0:03-

03A
Button flies off seconds later and shatters window

-0:06-

06
As long as she can get through the entire day without bending at the waist or using her lower intestines, she’ll be fine

-0:09-

09
Finally, a solution – imitation denim stretch pants that highlight your enormous ass

-0:10-

10
Fake jeans go great with fake boobs

-0:14-

14A
“Walmart, here I come!”

-0:18-

18A
Lillian Peters feels like a whole new woman after changing absolutely nothing about her body

-0:21-

21
She’ll never wear her medieval corset pants again

-0:23-

23
First used by commercial tuna fishermen, the fibers in Slim Jeggings’ special containment fabric have six times the strength of steel

-0:25-

25
Slim Jeggings causes you to look and feel more attractive by making your butt stick out farther than ever before …

-0:27-

27
… while Jeggings’ patented lift technology thrusts up additional fat deposits from your thighs

-0:28-

28 
WARNING: contents under extreme pressure

-0:29-

29
I wouldn’t try putting anything thicker than a parking ticket in there.

-0:32-

32
Let’s allow Kim Kardashian to be the judge of that

-0:36-

36
Does Jeggings also make a Jrassiere?

-0:38-

38
“Look at how disgusting I was before I compacted my flab into a tight mound and switched to soft white lighting.”

-0:39-

39
Basically, she pulled her pants up over her stomach and pulled her shirt down over her bottom.  There – I saved you $40.

-0:41-

41 
Naturally slim woman pretends she’d be caught dead in these

-0:46-

46
Optional glow-in-the-dark glute panels are a perfect way to attract a mate after sunset

-0:48-

48
I guess it’s all relative …

-0:50-

50
“I used to be so embarrassed by my muffin top that I actually started to consider dieting and exercise.”

-0:52-

52
“But with Slim Jeggings, that unsightly bulge around my waist is evenly spread across my torso to create the illusion that I’m not quite so fat.”

-0:56-

56 
“Now only Jesus knows how badly I’ve let myself go!”

-1:04-

104
It also helps to un-slump your shoulders, brush your hair, put on some makeup, iron your shirt, and straighten your throw pillows

-1:05-

105
Jeggings are the only faux denim leggings approved by the American Medical Association

-1:07-

107
“I don’t even worry about diabetes anymore!”

-1:09-

109
Cotton + nylon + spandex = you’re still fat

-1:11-

111 
Zero size slimmer when you exhale

-1:14-

114
“I finally have the figure I always dreamed of while I was eating two quarts of ice cream a day.”

-1:16-

116
“I feel sexy enough to be one of those women they put in ads to show that overweight women are sexy.”

-1:19-

119 
Hurry – offer ends when idiots stop buying

Loathsomeness: 7.6

13 comments:

  1. Hey Look, "Pajama Jeans" aren't the second-laziest, dumbest idea out there anymore!

    Still holding the top spot- "Forever Lazy," the "I'm never leaving the house or doing laundry ever again," "this is the closest thing to going back to the womb" answer to absolutely no one's question.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was aware of "Pajama Jeans," but somehow "Forever Lazy" had escaped my attention. You're right -- "Lazy" takes the prize. I may have to look into doing that one as well.

      Delete
  2. Any time a commercial starts with the words "Ladies: You suck it! You pull it! You squeeze it!" I know I'm in for a treat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If she's sucking, pulling, and squeezing it and your experience is anything short of spectacular, something went very, very, wrong

      Delete
    2. Yeah -- that train went off the rails fast.

      Delete
  3. Bravo though! I think the reason this one makes me uncomfortable is the fact that if I were a woman, I'd essentially be the one at :38. And I WOULD buy these damn things.

    Also for your consideration:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CJ3lW51L-8
    I can't tell which one is more cringeworthy - that one, or the focus group one (Chevrolet truck ads driving home the point that what other people think of you beause you drive a truck is more important than, oh, if you need a damn truck).
    I also love that, despite upping his fictional dating site pageviews by several thousand percent, he doesn't mention actually meeting anyone in person. Even the advertisers found that a little too far-fetched.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That Chevy ad is definitely a worthy candidate. I like how at the end the dude's conclusion was, "I'm no longer attracting just like the really desperate girls." So that's the Chevy Effect -- it'll help you get a caliber of women better than "really desperate."

      Delete
  4. The sad news is that they actually sell these things at Uncle Sam's Retail Monster Bo....WalMart.

    ReplyDelete
  5. 0:46 – “Sculp”… presumed result of now-commonplace bad spelling/editing is word trademarked by the Genie corporation, selected to sound like what is figuratively done by muscle on the body, and actually defined as “evenly spreading fat”. Soon to be used in an upcoming infomercial for an electric margarine utensil...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wait -- you mean spreading out fat isn't the same thing as replacing it with muscle? And where can I get one of these electric margarine utensils you speak of?

      Delete
  6. "Contents under extreme pressure".
    Dear God, I'm dying over here Editor, send help please.
    This article is had me smiling and for that, I thank you good sir. Keep up the good work, the world needs more of this!

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.