Synopsis: In another triumph of American exceptionalism, some fashion genius creates elastic leggings made to look like the “skinny” jeans that most U.S. women can no longer wear without surgery.
Ordinary jeans that you deliberately bought three sizes too small in order to continue deceiving yourself about your undesirable weight gain somehow never seem to fit
If inseam enters your uterus, you can get a little more wiggle room
Button flies off seconds later and shatters window
As long as she can get through the entire day without bending at the waist or using her lower intestines, she’ll be fine
Finally, a solution – imitation denim stretch pants that highlight your enormous ass
Fake jeans go great with fake boobs
“Walmart, here I come!”
Lillian Peters feels like a whole new woman after changing absolutely nothing about her body
She’ll never wear her medieval corset pants again
First used by commercial tuna fishermen, the fibers in Slim Jeggings’ special containment fabric have six times the strength of steel
Slim Jeggings causes you to look and feel more attractive by making your butt stick out farther than ever before …
… while Jeggings’ patented lift technology thrusts up additional fat deposits from your thighs
WARNING: contents under extreme pressure
I wouldn’t try putting anything thicker than a parking ticket in there.
Let’s allow Kim Kardashian to be the judge of that
Does Jeggings also make a Jrassiere?
“Look at how disgusting I was before I compacted my flab into a tight mound and switched to soft white lighting.”
Basically, she pulled her pants up over her stomach and pulled her shirt down over her bottom. There – I saved you $40.
Naturally slim woman pretends she’d be caught dead in these
Optional glow-in-the-dark glute panels are a perfect way to attract a mate after sunset
I guess it’s all relative …
“I used to be so embarrassed by my muffin top that I actually started to consider dieting and exercise.”
“But with Slim Jeggings, that unsightly bulge around my waist is evenly spread across my torso to create the illusion that I’m not quite so fat.”
“Now only Jesus knows how badly I’ve let myself go!”
It also helps to un-slump your shoulders, brush your hair, put on some makeup, iron your shirt, and straighten your throw pillows
Jeggings are the only faux denim leggings approved by the American Medical Association
“I don’t even worry about diabetes anymore!”
Cotton + nylon + spandex = you’re still fat
Zero size slimmer when you exhale
“I finally have the figure I always dreamed of while I was eating two quarts of ice cream a day.”
“I feel sexy enough to be one of those women they put in ads to show that overweight women are sexy.”
Hurry – offer ends when idiots stop buying