Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Chevrolet “Truck Up”

Link 01 Logo 01A

Synopsis: In a rigorous, peer-reviewed scientific study based on a carefully selected sample group of one, Chevrolet conclusively proves that its 2015 Colorado midsize pickup truck can transform a dateless dork from L.A. into a guy capable of attracting more than “just like the really desperate girls.”

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They might as well ask, “Are women idiots?”

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Either way, Kyle’s determined to find out.

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He just hopes potential girlfriends aren’t scared off by his profuse sweating and freakishly long arms.

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Not so real that they’ll give you his last name or identify what dating sites he uses.

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Yeah, this pasty shut-in wearing thick glasses and his dad’s old shirt really screams “L.A.”

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Kyle and the General Motors Company think this woman is a weirdo because she likes cats.

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She’s also cute, 22, and appears to live in a nice home – but, cats.

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LOL – Kyle said he works out; guess he is a real online dater.

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This woman also is weird for some reason, but it’s unclear whether cats are involved.

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Now let’s look at Kyle’s fake profile …

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“KyleCrushinit” might need two trucks to turn this thing around.

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Step right up, ladies.

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Here’s the life-changing vehicle that Kyle will sell after one week to enroll in podiatry school.

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Let’s watch it being used for cool outdoor activities that someone like Kyle would never actually engage in.

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Kyle ditches his glasses and blindly unloads camping gear provided by production crew

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Then, after quickly changing his shirt and hairstyle, he helps erect a tent that’s already fully assembled

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Somehow he still screws it up.

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It turns out that Kyle is also a pretend surfer.

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Unfortunately, the ocean forgot to make pretend waves.

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He looks like a spit-out piece of licorice.

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Maybe we should go mountain biking.

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No, forget it – mountain biking sucks.

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Finally, the truck is put to the test: a hot chick walks by Kyle and his awesome Chevy Colorado …

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… and keeps right on walking …

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… and then scampers off into the brush to avoid contact.

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Well, there you have it.

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“Do you guys make fighter planes?”

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Kyle’s new trucked up profile has 97 views

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113A
A recent Facebook post by this depressed cat had 150,000 views

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Thanks to his Chevy Colorado, Kyle has gotten more date requests than ever before …

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… but, disconcertingly, they’re all from strange bearded dudes who live in their parents’ garages

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125C
Let’s hope so.

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You’ll own the Starbucks parking lot.

Loathsomeness: 8.6

15 comments:

  1. Yeah...you keep "crushin it" there, Kyle. And shame on you, Chevy; online dating is enough of a depressing roulette without you trucking up profiles.

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    Replies
    1. I love how Chevy never claims that Kyle actually got a date, but only that he got more views on his dating profile, and the most Kyle himself could report is that he's no longer exclusively attracting "really desperate" women.

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    2. he's moved on to "not really available but readily stalkable women" and changing his definition of "attracting" to mean "being in reasonably proximity to."

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  2. I knew you'd do this one- and that you'd "crush it" (man I want to hurt someone every time I hear that..")

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, man. Chevy deserves all the credit -- it's tailor-made for mockery.

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  3. You've got to take on the Pepper Hacker Parental Substitute Device, please!

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  4. http://www.thecommercialcurmudgeon.com/2015/04/dolmios-pepper-hacker-passive.html

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    Replies
    1. That's truly absurd. The Apocalypse can't come soon enough.

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  5. Is it wrong of me to find Grumpy Cat more sympathetic and easier to identify with than any of the people in this ad? The only way I'd like to use the verb 'crush' is to describe what we should do with Kyle.

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    Replies
    1. I'd bet that at least 95% of single women would rather spend a night with that cat than with Kyle.

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    2. The other 5% have pierced tattooes and wear a winter scarf with a sundress while living in Portland Ore.

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    3. Some of us single women with cats find our felines smarter than anyone who would be "crushin' it" while driving a Chevy truck through the 40 feet that is my backyard while avoiding my pool. I've done my time with Chevy trucks -- hand washing and waxing, helping my a-hole ex-husband choose a bed liner and camper top, etc. That was for an '89 Chevy truck. Unless you somehow think a sweltering summer day spent under a shade tree hand-waxing the truck and using Mother's chrome cleaner on the mag wheels, that truck will kill your relationship. Luckily, with the camper top, he had somewhere to sleep after I kicked him and his damn truck to the curb after two years of marriage. This dude won't get chicks with that high-end, high maintenance POS.

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    4. A truly epic comment. I bow to your awesomeness.

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  6. Woohoo! Thanks for doing this one. I like how you catch stuff that I missed, like the profile screenshots. What's this douche's problem, anyway - he claims to "love animals" but he has a problem with cats?

    @dreadedcandiru: Not at all. Grumpy Cat is a national treasure.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the tip. I'd have to say, this might have been the most enjoyable one I've ever done.

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