Synopsis: Amid snippets of the heroic personal lives of empowered women representing every possible demographic combination her ad team could round up (plus a few supporting dudes), Hillary Clinton declares that she’s ready to lead the United States of Huffington Post.
Clinton campaign staffer purchases 100-foot spool of Ethernet cable for private email servers
Rebecca is too young to vote, but not too young to donate half of her sippy cup to thirsty Californians
It doesn’t take a village to embarrass a child
After two decades of searching, Republican operatives finally find paragraph in Whitewater SEC filings where Clintons admit to killing Vince Foster
“Who am I gonna vote for, Ted Cruz?”
Katy shoves annoying little brother into packing box, wonders how much postage she’ll need to mail him to the middle of the ocean
Gloating immigrants continue effort to destroy American way of life by opening restaurant and hiring employees
Tender moments between a mother and her child and her chosen candidate’s scruffy, gum-chewing cameraman are priceless
When Ben grows up he’ll have a strange fear of boom mics that will haunt him for the rest of his days
“And then Skippyjon said, ‘You’re likable enough, Jillyboo.’”
Who volunteers to tell them that looming climate change catastrophe will extinguish human civilization before that kid learns how to drive?
“I just want to live in a country where I can buy birth control without Rush Limbaugh calling me a slut.”
Hey, look – it’s Adam and Steve.
They celebrated Hillary’s belated, politically expedient support of gay marriage by getting gay engaged
“Let’s go order a phallic-shaped cake from a Christian bakery.”
“Then let’s force some homophobic pizza guy to cater our wedding.”
While retired schoolteacher Mary Jo Kessler enthusiastically begins the next chapter of her life …
… an ISIS-inspired teen across the street attempts to construct a bomb out of old doorknobs, planter hooks, and glue
Sri Lankan-Polish couple with cat – check.
At the Fox News Research Lab, Joe the Plumber sifts through debris from the former U.S. consulate in Benghazi
“I’ve uncovered irrefutable evidence that Secretary Clinton remotely targeted the consulate with some sort of telekinetic, America-hating death ray, then tried to pin the blame on violent demonstrators, but you’ll never hear anything about that in the liberal media.”
“Can you deport A-Rod?”
Hillary shows she can relate to ordinary people by drinking a cup of terrible coffee at a local senior center while some geezer prattles on about how those bastards at Humana won’t pay for his weed
“… and that’s why, after spending the last few months listening to the American people and hearing their stories, I’ve … decided to …”
Computer hacker accesses secret Clinton email about yoga class kept hidden from Congress and tries to sell it to North Korea
Excited student volunteers leave ACORN-sponsored get-out-the-vote training session at Clinton campaign headquarters in Brooklyn
“I can’t believe Bill was there – and then when he gave me his cell number, I was like, ‘Omigod!’”
While Mom and Dad cheerfully discuss plans for new house, Becca eyes ghost of prior resident who was brutally murdered there
In a perfect world, this romantic scene would be taking place in Mike Huckabee’s living room while he was tied to a chair
“That’s right, I’m running for President again, because I … um …”
“Look, I don’t have to explain anything – they’re handing it to me on a goddamn silver platter.”
“I’ve got the women’s vote sewn up, I’m gonna raise a billion dollars, and my only serious competition comes from the one political family Americans are more sick of than mine.”
“So take your medicine and stop pining for Elizabeth Warren – that bitch can wait her turn.”
Hillary Clinton is made out of people!
Let’s just get it over with.