Monday, April 13, 2015

Clinton “Getting Started”

Link 01 Logo 02

Synopsis: Amid snippets of the heroic personal lives of empowered women representing every possible demographic combination her ad team could round up (plus a few supporting dudes), Hillary Clinton declares that she’s ready to lead the United States of Huffington Post.

00
Clinton campaign staffer purchases 100-foot spool of Ethernet cable for private email servers

-0:01-

01
Rebecca is too young to vote, but not too young to donate half of her sippy cup to thirsty Californians

-0:02-

02 
It doesn’t take a village to embarrass a child

-0:05-

05
After two decades of searching, Republican operatives finally find paragraph in Whitewater SEC filings where Clintons admit to killing Vince Foster

-0:07-

07
“Who am I gonna vote for, Ted Cruz?”

-0:07-

07A
“Get real.”

-0:18-

18
Katy shoves annoying little brother into packing box, wonders how much postage she’ll need to mail him to the middle of the ocean

-0:29-

29
Gloating immigrants continue effort to destroy American way of life by opening restaurant and hiring employees

-0:30-

30
Tender moments between a mother and her child and her chosen candidate’s scruffy, gum-chewing cameraman are priceless

-0:32-

32
When Ben grows up he’ll have a strange fear of boom mics that will haunt him for the rest of his days

-0:33-

33
“And then Skippyjon said, ‘You’re likable enough, Jillyboo.’”

-0:41-

41 
Who volunteers to tell them that looming climate change catastrophe will extinguish human civilization before that kid learns how to drive?

-0:48-

48
“I just want to live in a country where I can buy birth control without Rush Limbaugh calling me a slut.”

-0:50-

50
Hey, look – it’s Adam and Steve.

-0:51-

51
They celebrated Hillary’s belated, politically expedient support of gay marriage by getting gay engaged

-0:52-

52
“Let’s go order a phallic-shaped cake from a Christian bakery.”

-0:54-

54
“Then let’s force some homophobic pizza guy to cater our wedding.”

-1:02-

102
While retired schoolteacher Mary Jo Kessler enthusiastically begins the next chapter of her life …

-1:07-

107
… an ISIS-inspired teen across the street attempts to construct a bomb out of old doorknobs, planter hooks, and glue

-1:17-

117
Sri Lankan-Polish couple with cat – check.

-1:26-

126 
At the Fox News Research Lab, Joe the Plumber sifts through debris from the former U.S. consulate in Benghazi

-1:30-

130
“I’ve uncovered irrefutable evidence that Secretary Clinton remotely targeted the consulate with some sort of telekinetic, America-hating death ray, then tried to pin the blame on violent demonstrators, but you’ll never hear anything about that in the liberal media.”

-1:32-

132
“Can you deport A-Rod?”

-1:33-

133
Hillary shows she can relate to ordinary people by drinking a cup of terrible coffee at a local senior center while some geezer prattles on about how those bastards at Humana won’t pay for his weed

-1:46-

146
“… and that’s why, after spending the last few months listening to the American people and hearing their stories, I’ve … decided to …”

-1:48-

148
Grandma’s tired.

-1:50-

150
Computer hacker accesses secret Clinton email about yoga class kept hidden from Congress and tries to sell it to North Korea

-1:52-

152
Excited student volunteers leave ACORN-sponsored get-out-the-vote training session at Clinton campaign headquarters in Brooklyn

-1:52-

152A
“I can’t believe Bill was there – and then when he gave me his cell number, I was like, ‘Omigod!’”

-1:55-

155
While Mom and Dad cheerfully discuss plans for new house, Becca eyes ghost of prior resident who was brutally murdered there

-1:59-

159
In a perfect world, this romantic scene would be taking place in Mike Huckabee’s living room while he was tied to a chair

-2:01-

201
“That’s right, I’m running for President again, because I … um …”

-2:01-

201
“Look, I don’t have to explain anything – they’re handing it to me on a goddamn silver platter.”

-2:02-

202
“I’ve got the women’s vote sewn up, I’m gonna raise a billion dollars, and my only serious competition comes from the one political family Americans are more sick of than mine.”

-2:02-

202
“So take your medicine and stop pining for Elizabeth Warren – that bitch can wait her turn.”

-2:10-

210
Hillary Clinton is made out of people!

-2:15-

215 
Let’s just get it over with.

Loathsomeness: 6.0

13 comments:

  1. Even-handedness, hell! Giving this pile of manure a loathsomeness rating of only 6.0 ???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, given that Hillary was in only about 5% of the ad and basically said nothing, it was hard to get too worked up.

      Delete
  2. Of course, the real problem is that someone won't resist the tendency to insert himself into the process.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Unrelated to this post, but your #1 babe Brooke Alexander is back with another wacky "hydraulic fracturing technology (almost sounds like a euphemism when you word it like that) is definitely not bad for earth and the sudden increase in earthquakes in TX and OK are in now way related to fracking" type commercial.

    Another suggestion: Sea World has a "we don't torture whales" commercial that may be PP worthy. Just my two cents!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've been trying to resist Brooke's siren song, but she draws me ever closer ...

      Just checked out the SeaWorld ad -- what delightfully horrible people. I'll have to put that in the queue.

      Delete
  4. Must vote for Hillary... must vote for Hillary... must vote...

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm a Hillary supporter, but this is hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. Given the bleak alternatives, I'll probably end up voting for her, too.

      Delete
    2. Do one of Bernie's while he's still relevant!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnSQVixz7wg

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyee_sxJpXc

      omg it's like he thinks JFK or FDR could get elected in 2016. So cute :3

      Delete
    3. I think that window may have already closed.

      Delete
  6. Eh, they'll give him 2 minutes of condescending+befuddled airtime when he wins New Hampshire and/or Iowa in Feb.

    That's lightyears more than 2% Jeb will accomplish. (I guess the sea of racist posts of seething hatred on Jeb's official youtube were worth it all.)

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.