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Friday, April 10, 2015

Paul “Like No One Else”

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Synopsis: Rambling reactionary Rand Paul emerges from his underground shelter to announce his long-dreaded run for President, then leaves it to his strangely normal-seeming wife to recount his unyielding dedication to family, country, and the gold standard of currency exchange.

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Kelley With Two E’s struggles to explain why she married a dopey-eyed nutjob like Rand Paul from the lounge of a postwar era hotel

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She knew Aqua Buddha was “the one” when he shared his dream of abolishing the Federal Reserve

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They were Sam and Diane with a dash of Doogie Howser

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Nostalgic for a bygone period of smaller government, Rand insisted on having their wedding in 1927

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This is the only image of Ron Paul you’ll see, even though Rand can’t win without his father’s kooky libertarian supporters.

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Creepy shot of Paul boys looks like it’s from that video in “The Ring”

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Rand’s childhood was a more innocent time, without gay bullies or meddling black presidents

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Even at age 16, Rand was signing letters to Iran

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As an adult, Rand brings a doctor’s perspective to Senate filibustering

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Rand cares so much about helping people that he visits Guatemala to provide free medical care to little kids …

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… and yet if this woman and her child showed up on the Tex-Mex border, he’d personally roll out another bale of barbed wire to stop them from entering the United States

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He can see Russia from his microscope.

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“Hush, Little Missy – a man is talking.”

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Rand spent the whole car ride to Turner Field outlining his plan to dismantle the IRS

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Rand doesn’t like to spend this much time outdoors for fear of being targeted in a drone strike …

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… and he suspects that his new campaign videographer is secretly working for the NSA

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Rand’s signature Ray-Bans finally make an appearance.

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“How many of you know who Ayn Rand is?”

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“I'm sorry, Mrs. Sullivan, but under Obamacare, I’m only allowed to perform surgery on transsexual welfare recipients.”

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“Also, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news about the results of your death panel hearing …”

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“Lemme just first delete this old photo of Rick Santorum …”

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Rand Paul is the only Republican presidential contender willing to meet face-to-face with an African-American man wearing an argyle sweater vest

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Just before taking the stage at CPAC, Rand receives a sign from God that he should scrap his isolationist foreign policy ideas and suddenly decide that our debt-ridden nation can afford a massive increase in military spending

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“Of course the Establishment is against me, but that’s only because it knows I have no fucking clue how to actually run the country, and no real interest in doing so …”

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“… which is what makes me the voice of the collapsing conservative movement today.”

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It sounds like the tagline for a Terminator movie.

Loathsomeness: 6.5

15 comments:

  1. Well, you know who's going to be next in line spouting the crazy, fear-mongering, plutocrat-flattering bullshit: Rick Santorum.

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  2. Where do they keep the factory that produces Wives For Republicans? I swear they all look exactly the same.

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    Replies
    1. So far we're 3-for-3 with blondes, although Marco Rubio's wife, perhaps signalling a new era, is the first to allow her hair to grow past her shoulders.

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    2. Game show idea!: Fox News anchor republican candidate wife.

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    3. Edit: Fox News anchor OR republican candidate wife.

      Apologies for ruining the (mediocre at best) joke...

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    4. If the show was a success, they could follow it up with "Fox News Anchor or Prostitute?"

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  3. Have to admit the kid on the left looks a lot like I did years ago...dang.

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    Replies
    1. As long as you didn't grow up to look like Rand, you're all right.

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  4. Was that Stephen Irkle from "Family Matters" in the argyle vest sweater? Other than that, much as I like blondes I still prefer scotch brunettes and redheads personally.

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    1. Urkel is about as close as Rand can get to street cred in the African-American community.

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  5. rand paul is an eye doctor and has been the only one in private business sector, and only one speaking about our absurd debt.
    he is a non interventionis and has forced a sitting president through a 13 hour filibuster to admit he does not have the authority to drone an american citizen.
    calling out john mccain as a troll in front of a fully seated senate makes him rise above the rest bcause he has no problem calling out his own when they are wrong.
    he is against the NSA spying on american citizens without a warrant and does not agree with the TSA or DHS groping and wants to end these programs.
    america may have its last chance in electing someone like rand paul and i pray they see that and elect him as presidnet

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    Replies
    1. To be honest, I agree with Rand on most of those issues, and I would prefer him to most of the other GOP candidates. But he's still too nutty to be President.

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    2. Don't be afraid of the shift key, no matter what Randy says about it.

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