Synopsis: Rambling reactionary Rand Paul emerges from his underground shelter to announce his long-dreaded run for President, then leaves it to his strangely normal-seeming wife to recount his unyielding dedication to family, country, and the gold standard of currency exchange.
Kelley With Two E’s struggles to explain why she married a dopey-eyed nutjob like Rand Paul from the lounge of a postwar era hotel
She knew Aqua Buddha was “the one” when he shared his dream of abolishing the Federal Reserve
They were Sam and Diane with a dash of Doogie Howser
Nostalgic for a bygone period of smaller government, Rand insisted on having their wedding in 1927
This is the only image of Ron Paul you’ll see, even though Rand can’t win without his father’s kooky libertarian supporters.
Creepy shot of Paul boys looks like it’s from that video in “The Ring”
Rand’s childhood was a more innocent time, without gay bullies or meddling black presidents
Even at age 16, Rand was signing letters to Iran
As an adult, Rand brings a doctor’s perspective to Senate filibustering
Rand cares so much about helping people that he visits Guatemala to provide free medical care to little kids …
… and yet if this woman and her child showed up on the Tex-Mex border, he’d personally roll out another bale of barbed wire to stop them from entering the United States
He can see Russia from his microscope.
“Hush, Little Missy – a man is talking.”
Rand spent the whole car ride to Turner Field outlining his plan to dismantle the IRS
Rand doesn’t like to spend this much time outdoors for fear of being targeted in a drone strike …
… and he suspects that his new campaign videographer is secretly working for the NSA
Rand’s signature Ray-Bans finally make an appearance.
“How many of you know who Ayn Rand is?”
“I'm sorry, Mrs. Sullivan, but under Obamacare, I’m only allowed to perform surgery on transsexual welfare recipients.”
“Also, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news about the results of your death panel hearing …”
“Lemme just first delete this old photo of Rick Santorum …”
Rand Paul is the only Republican presidential contender willing to meet face-to-face with an African-American man wearing an argyle sweater vest
Just before taking the stage at CPAC, Rand receives a sign from God that he should scrap his isolationist foreign policy ideas and suddenly decide that our debt-ridden nation can afford a massive increase in military spending
“Of course the Establishment is against me, but that’s only because it knows I have no fucking clue how to actually run the country, and no real interest in doing so …”
“… which is what makes me the voice of the collapsing conservative movement today.”
It sounds like the tagline for a Terminator movie.