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Sunday, April 19, 2015

Rubio “Yesterday Is Over”

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Synopsis: Marco Rubio ruminates on his prefabricated past before launching his audacious effort to lead America into the same bleak, regressive future promised by all of his conservative competitors for the Republican presidential nomination.

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Nothing compares to the energy and excitement of downtown Miami

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God I hate this fucking hellhole …

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Never leave a guy for dead near wet concrete.

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Great – now I’ll have that stupid song stuck in my head for the rest of the day.

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In a sense, Rubio’s parents fled Cuba to escape Fidel Castro …

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… but in another, more accurate sense, they left the island nation by choice two and a half years before the communists took over, while Fidel was in Mexico

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Mario loved America so much that he waited 15 years until deciding to apply for U.S. citizenship …

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… and Oria hated Castro with such a passion that she returned to Cuba several times after he came to power

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I could really go for some water …

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Young Marco’s two favorite activities were playing football and lying about his family history for political gain

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Being a Dolphins fan in the late 80s was a more traumatic experience than anything Castro could dish out

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Marco racked up $100,000 in education debt, which taught him the importance of doing nothing to make college more affordable

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Marco’s parents couldn’t be prouder of his determination to stick it to their economic class

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Leveraging his good looks, Marco bagged an NFL cheerleader, then refocused on kissing up to GOP power brokers

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Rubio kids were vaccinated, but it would be okay with Chris Christie if they weren’t

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You can tell that Rubio is a modern candidate because he has one of those new-fangled “web sites.”

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His hip, youth-oriented message seems to resonate among bald, middle-aged men.

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At least one bucolic farm appears in every presidential campaign ad.

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This one makes its entire operating profit from hosting reality shows about people forced to be farmers.

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According to a campaign policy memo, if one of his sons chose to be gay and get married, Marco would attend the wedding, but he would not eat any cake

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By sheer coincidence, Rubio began to have doubts about mankind’s role in causing global warming right around the same time that he started thinking about running for President

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Rubio’s staff couldn’t find a suitable stock photo of “amber waves of grain,”  so they just took a picture of some weeds growing behind a Burger King parking lot instead.

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This is actually New Zealand.

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Finally – a Republican candidate who connects with young voters in their early 60s

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Rubio pauses to sign another letter to Iran

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This rusty railroad car symbolizes, um … you know, freedom.

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Lady Liberty forlornly awaits permission to enter the United States, wishes she was Cuban

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Yellow bracelets call attention to plight of over-taxed millionaires

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“Don’t give me that shit about Hillary Clinton, or Jeb Bush …”

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“It’s time for a new generation of political leaders to become captives of wealthy elites and push this country ever closer to the abyss.”

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“I used to be in favor of comprehensive immigration reform and trying to reduce poverty in America, but that was yesterday, and yesterday is over … it’s not coming back.”

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“But together, we can make sure that tomorrow is better than ever for the top one percent of Americans and their hard-working hedge fund managers.”

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Alaska and Hawaii can fend for themselves

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In New American Century, part of “America” will be played by China

Loathsomeness: 6.1

19 comments:

  1. Did he really need to dot the "i" in "Rubio" with a map of the US? Kind of seems like overkill...

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    Replies
    1. It's right up there with that Kwik-Fill ad (http://www.pointlessplanet.com/2013/04/kwik-fill-america.html) with the "American flag-decorated image of America appears against backdrop of American flag against backdrop of American cumulus clouds"

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    2. I could never make out what it was on TV. I thought it was a chili pepper.

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    3. Yo dog, I heard you Americans like America, so I put America all over America up in your America, Americans.

      AMERICA!

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    4. I thought it was a piece of ****

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    5. It should be Cuba, given how often he talks about it.

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  2. I love this presidential field almost as much as the last one. Wait till Michigan's "one tough nerd" throws his right-to-work lovin' hat in the ring! As usual, great job with this piece. Keep it up!

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    1. Thanks. At the rate the Republicans keep churning out these clowns, I should stay pretty busy.

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  3. I wonder what stupid ad Mitt is going to cough up this time. Also, bring on Comb-over McBankrupt.

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    Replies
    1. The Trumpster? Please please please ...

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    2. the only thing Donald does better than pretending to be a Presidential Candidate is pretending to be a successful businessman while repeatedly going bankrupt.

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    3. Trump's bankruptcies show that he can relate to average Americans.

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  4. Awesome snark. You're in good form as usual :)

    Yknow though, I actually thought this ad was pretty effective. I mean, yeah, you're right about the hypocrisy, the dishonesty behind his family history, and his predictable political positions propped up by wealthy interests. Which can't be overstated.

    But if I didn't know any better, if I were a newly arrived alien from another planet and all I had to go on were campaign ads, I'd say this is the best candidate ad I've seen. Whether that just shows how low the bar has become, well...

    (Also, whats with the chilhood family pictures in all these campaign ads? Is that a new thing? I don't recall that from elections past).

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    Replies
    1. I'm inclined to agree. Rubio actually has a fairly appealing generational pitch. If only it was based on something more than his biography.

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  5. Rubio is obviously unfamiliar with Faulkner.

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    Replies
    1. He went to the University of Florida, so it's fortunate that he even knows how to read.

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  6. Rubio for President 2016, because he's still better than another Bush or Clinton!

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    Replies
    1. Admittedly, that's his best argument.

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