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Monday, May 18, 2015

Carson “Revival”

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Synopsis: After getting the green light from Jesus, cerebral religious conservative hero Dr. Ben Carson shows off his celebrated intellect by starting a presidential campaign given virtually no chance of success with a ponderous, meandering ad in which he barely appears and fails to articulate any coherent rationale for his absurd candidacy.

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Defiant U.S. Congress refuses to enforce Old Testament

-0:25-

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God has an app for that

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Politicians are the worst – take it from Ben Carson, who gave up an accomplished medical career in order to become one

-0:44-

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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a spirited little girl play with a toy biplane in a Midwestern wheat field while wearing a vintage aviator hat, scarf, and goggles.

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Oh, that’s right – zero.

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First phase of Carson’s economic recovery plan calls for pre-emptive nuclear strike on America’s uncooperative Asian trading partners

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Protesters may not realize it, but their real problem isn’t cops killing them in the streets – it’s that they haven’t learned how to empower themselves through the cultivation of core values

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Baltimore Police helicopter conducts aerial search for black men with questionable knives and unbroken spines

-0:58-

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Vanessa doesn’t seem to understand that all she has to do to escape poverty is become a brilliant neurosurgeon

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This fellow needs to stop looking to the government for answers and start creating his own biotech company that can compete with China

-1:05-

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After death panel rejected her appeal, Ellen DeStefano is escorted to Obamacare crematorium

-1:22-

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Laura can’t decide whether to spend her food stamps on lobster tails or save them up for her Caribbean cruise

-1:23-

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After years of fruitlessly trying to restrict campaign donations, Federal Election Commission decided it would be easier just to let presidential candidates print their own money

-1:25-

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Ignoring the political risks, Ben Carson strongly supports Article 7’s requirement that the Constitution be ratified by nine of the thirteen states that gained independence from Great Britain

-1:27-

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Article 6’s prohibition against religious tests for holding public office quickly fades out of view

-1:32-

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Washington fat cat donates another 50 grand to Clinton Foundation, subverts democracy by demanding that malaria be eradicated from African village in return

-1:42-

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Death Star blueprints obtained by Carson campaign reveal previously unknown vulnerability, may provide opening for Rebel attack

-1:46-

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Human activity does not contribute to global warming.  Or maybe it does – who the hell cares?

-2:18-

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Because Dr. Carson doesn’t see color, he is unable to verify the results of this lab test

-2:31-

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Not pictured: president who believed nation’s laws should be based on Christian beliefs

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For generations, Americans have followed clear Biblical teaching that marriage is between one man and one woman of the same race.

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Thanks to radical secularists, House of God is now House of Pancakes

-3:03-

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Martin Luther King, Jr. often talked about how a government initiative to provide affordable health care to low-income Americans would be the worst thing since slavery, but unfortunately no one wrote it down

-3:14-

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On bus ride to halfway house, Joe reflects on how prison made him decide to turn gay

-3:42-

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Nothing symbolizes healing like a vicious bird of prey

-3:44-

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Ben Carson’s moving personal story makes me feel like I can achieve my lifelong dream of never climbing a mountain.

-3:47-

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Under Carson Administration, tearful military farewells will double …

-3:53-

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… and discretionary foreign conflicts will be 50% more inconclusive

-3:56-

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Boy rescued from liberal education system gazes upon American flag for first time, wonders if he’s supposed to burn it

-3:59-

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Only a true leader like Ben Carson would have the courage to approve an official campaign portrait that shows him slouched in a chair next to a pile of fake books

-4:18-

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He’s so smart, he doesn’t need prepositions

Loathsomeness: 6.9

19 comments:

  1. Carson survives the Pointless Planet treatment easily enough, but I'm don't see how he'll survive the New Hampshire primary.

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    Replies
    1. He'll go down in flames as quickly as Josh Duggar.....

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    2. The conservative redemption cycle seems to be spinning pretty fast these days -- I wouldn't be surprised if Duggar announced his own bid for the Republican nomination. Heck, he'd probably win the thing.

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    3. Think you can get 19 Kids and Counting in the lineup before TLC cancels it permanently?

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    4. Re Josh Duggar's candidacy - doesn't that depend on whether the DNA test on Bristol Palin's second illegitimate baby reveals Josh as the father?

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    5. Wait till the people find out Carson believes the Earth is only 6000 years old.

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    6. ...That, and the GAY is a CHOICE, and rushing the shooter is NOT a good idea! This guy should go back to neurosurgery, however he has several pending malpractice suits against him.

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    7. If only those poor Parisians had listened to Ben ...

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  2. Ah, well. At least this one isn't all about how the Army is invading Texas yet. That'll change once the poll results tell him to say so.

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    Replies
    1. 30 million paranoid rednecks can't be wrong.

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  3. You're on a roll, Editor, but I DEMAND you start replying to our comments!!

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    1. Yeah, sorry -- I know I was way behind. It's been a busy few weeks here at Pointless Planet World Headquarters. But as of tonight, I think I'm finally all caught up again.

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  4. Just beautiful. As always, you found some neat screens that I missed.

    Also, I'm absolutely positive I've seen that little girl with the wooden biplane in other ads. I'm guessing she's the stock video version of that one stock photo of a nerdy looking guy with the inflatable doll that shows up in ads for half a dozen different dating sites.

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    1. Could be. It wasn't in this one, but I think the most commonly used stock photo in Republican political ads is a shot of the White House behind that black wrought-iron fence on Pennsylvania Avenue, giving the impression of an embattled presidency. I've seen that countless times.

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  5. Dear stumbling, slurring old
    Ben. Wheee...what a burst of psychological inflation he must have had recently...it certainly is a blast of comedy to consider his as President!

    Even he has never had a staff for all those activities and responsibilities he's NEVER heard of...as soon as the election results were clear, the Secret Service would have begun the deep programming preparation, and his underwear would be dirty.

    At that point even highly stupid people begin to wake up and pay attention, I'm sure of it.

    Of course, in spite of the obvious chastening of a world-class jerk, the joke wouldn't be worth it for the rest of us for the three days or so he'd last.

    Back to the Clown Car, Bennie, and try to keep from eating all the dum-dums in the ash tray. They're supposed to be SHARED.

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  6. With Rupert Murdoch's help, Ben CAN be the First Real Black President. And Mars. Inc. will successfully market Uncle Ben's Rice with a new picture of Dr. Ben Carson as "Uncle Ben" making billions of dollars (Rupert, of course, will buy the stock in advance of the election showing again why Ben Carson branding is brillant!)

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    1. I'm impressed that you knew Mars owns Uncle Ben's. Of course, Dr. Carson is more frequently likened to Uncle Tom, but your branding idea has a lot of potential. Carson certainly isn't above wacky product endorsements, as a visit to the Mannatech website will attest.

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