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Saturday, May 9, 2015

Cleveland Cavaliers “All In”

Link 02 Logo 04A

Synopsis: To rally support in the midst of their NBA playoff series against the Chicago Bulls, the Cleveland Cavaliers produce a hilarious video depicting a menacing-looking Cavaliers fan assaulting his wife for wearing a Bulls t-shirt.  Hooray!

00
Hammacher Schlemmer classic tabletop radio adds touch of refined elegance to any wife beater's home

-0:02-

02
Mike gets ready for televised basketball game he hopes will magically negate epic string of personal failures

-0:04-

04
Suddenly theme from “Dirty Dancing”  plays on the radio, reminding him he hadn’t been born yet when that movie came out

-0:07-

07
So many memories of not being alive …

-0:09-

09
Kelly donned her grandmother’s apron to make a salad

-0:09-

09A
“This is our song, honey – remember?  It was playing the first time you said you owned me.”

-0:09-

09B
Mike doesn’t look like he’s having the time of his life.

-0:11-

11
His demeaning snicker must hide his true romantic feelings.

-0:12-

12
Wary of her husband’s habitual mood swings, Kelly adopted “Hands Up, Don’t Shoot” posture before it was cool

-0:15-

15
This usually means night will end badly

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17
Kelly closes her eyes and imagines that she lives under the sea, and that Mike has died in a freak accident at the recycling plant

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27
Just as an aside, what is it with all the fruit on staged kitchen tables?  Seriously, I challenge you to find one kitchen table in an ad without at least twenty pounds of fruit on it.

-0:29-

29
Okay, back to this train wreck …

-0:34-

34
In a subtle form of protest, Kelly put her wedding ring on the middle finger she’d like to give her husband every time he opens his mouth

-0:34-

34A
Note half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s on kitchen counter.

-0:36-

36
Mike’s whole world is about to get turned upside-down, although not quite as literally as Kelly’s

-0:37-

37
His wife has expressed a preference that differs from his own!

-0:38-

38
Not to nitpick, but you’d think after four-and-a-half years of marriage he’d have figured out she was a Bulls fan.

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41
Hoping to avoid the beating she knows is coming, Kelly rushes Mike, but unfortunately neglects to kick him in the balls

-0:42-

42
Uh-oh …

-0:42-

42B
Gotta hand it to the Cavaliers – in this day and age, you don’t often see a man violently throw his wife to the floor for comedic effect.

-0:43-

43
Well, she asked for it.

-0:45-

45
“Look at what you made me do!  And where’s my fucking salad?”

-0:47-

47
“I shoulda just watched the game at Ray Rice’s house … “

-0:48-

48
All that’s missing is security cam footage of her getting dragged out of an elevator.

-0:50-

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So if you’re a real Cleveland Cavaliers fan, show your team spirit by abusing your wife

-0:52-

52
That little lady looks like she’s all out!  Hee-hee … zing!

-0:54-

54
It’s funny because she’s seriously injured.

-0:54-

54A
Too bad there’s no such thing as “flagrant fouls” in marriage – right, Kelly?  Yuk-yuk-yuk …

-0:54-

54B
That’s women for you – always changing their minds.

-0:55-

55
“And don’t try that ‘fake ordering a pizza’ trick to call 911, ‘cause all the guys at Domino’s are Cavs fans, too.”

-0:57-

57
“Thanks for setting me straight, sweetie.  As soon as the swelling in my brain goes down, I’ll get you another beer.”

-0:59-

59
When he passes out in the third quarter, she’ll start dousing him with lighter fluid

-1:00-

100
“Go Cavs … “

-1:01-

101
“… and go domestic violence!”

Loathsomeness: 10.0

14 comments:

  1. File under "what were they thinking?"

    ReplyDelete
  2. Replies
    1. In the Director's Cut, he punches her in the face, then drags her out of the house by her hair to canned laughter.

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  3. Holy shit, how did this ever make it past committee?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Easy -- no women were on the committee.

      Delete
  4. Good lord, the cringe-factor! Nice write-up.

    I think this is a perfect example of how minor timing and choreography changes can take a passable joke and turn it truly horrible. There's nothing wrong with the "guy sees wife wearing other team's shirt, suddenly gets pissed" gag on the face of it, but the execution, holy crap.

    Just spitballing here: they could have made it where he does a comic deer-in-headlights thing when he sees the shirt, she jumps on him and (while he's still doing the WTF-take and doesn't catch her), and they both go down in a heap. Cut to them both icing their noggins. Boom, I saved this horrible ad. Give me money, Cavs!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think I'm in the minority that thinks the Bud Light "... remove no" advertising was taken totally out of context and blown way out of proportion, HOWEVER, there really is no defending this one. Even Ralph Kramden would have told this dick to slow his role.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It doesn't help that the guy actually looks like a wife-beater. Then again, he's a Cavs fan, which takes a heavy toll.

      Delete
  6. Oh, joy. I hope that they install air raid sirens at the Cavs headquarters. They're gonna need'em when the letter bombs start arriving.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They pulled this sucker and apologized almost immediately. Incredibly, however, I don't think anyone got fired.

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  7. "That’s women for you – always changing their minds."

    10/10. Whatever entertainment awards they give out this year should automatically go to you. This post had story, humor, drama and, best of all, an accurate representation of Cavs fans.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, man; I really appreciate that. Sorry for the late response. I'd fallen a bit behind, but I think I'm all caught up now.

      Delete

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