Synopsis: The leader of the socially conservative Family Research Council interrupts his rigorous study of self-righteousness to urge his fellow Adam-and-Evers to oppose legalization of gay marriage before U.S. Christians are rounded up by despotic homosexuals and forced to swear allegiance to Satan.
Since homofascists took over America, Tony Perkins’ life has been an unrelenting nightmare
Unable to leave his plush Washington suite for fear of reprisal, he sits quietly alone, hoping someone will stop by and pick up one of his full-color conversion therapy brochures
And yet, even in this moral sanctuary, Tony is tormented by the gay propaganda that has seeped into his virtuous brain
Once-inspiring national monuments make him uncomfortable now …
… and he has to avert his eyes from suggestively pumping oil derricks scattered across his home state of Oklahoma
Gay rights activists are so much like Nazis, it’s uncanny
Other than the fact that the Nazis actually tried to exterminate gays, you can’t tell the two groups apart
The crux of the controversy was, “Is Governor Pence a bigot, or just unbelievably stupid?”
Nervous heterosexuals practicing traditional family values wear dark glasses to keep from being identified
Bob and Edith shared 50 wonderful years of marriage until a court decision allowing gay people to celebrate love in the same manner nullified their sacred vows
They gaze at one last sunset together before tossing their worthless wedding rings into the ocean
19% of Americans want to be prohibited from following their beliefs
Attractive, professionally dressed non-lesbian can’t get a cab
Saddest-looking bakery in Oregon somehow has become a magnet for newly engaged homosexuals
Clean living co-owner Aaron Klein doesn’t have anything personally against deviant sinners who defy the laws of God and nature, but his religion prevents him from selling them fancy cakes
“Even though it would be immoral for me to cater a wedding between two chicks, I told them they were welcome to have hot lesbian sex in my store or the back of my truck any time.”
Meanwhile, in neighboring Washington State, flower shop’s “Grab-n-Go” promotion backfires horribly
Still reeling from her last terrifying encounter with people who don’t share all her moral values, Christian proprietor Barronelle Stutzman warily checks customer waiting area for sodomites
Photographer captures rare image of endangered heterosexual bride before she disappears into waiting limousine
Back in Oregon, Aaron looks at loving family he’s prepared to bankrupt in order to adhere to poorly-understood social edicts of Middle Eastern Jews who lived thousands of years before he was born
Maybe sacrificing another goat would turn things around
“Dear Jesus, we obediently follow your teaching to judge others and shun those who come to us for help.”
If you don’t want to serve gay customers, maybe you shouldn’t have such a gay sign.
Intolerance will resume at 2:30
And now a word from America’s go-to homophobe, Mike Huckabee.
“What good is religious freedom if it doesn’t allow you to publicly act like a hateful jackass in the name of God?”
It doesn’t say anything about gays. It also doesn’t say anything about semi-automatic assault rifles.
Two local protesters + two handmade signs = concerted government effort to obliterate Christianity
Korean War veteran Wilford Brimley thanked by freedom-loving biker for not being gay in emotional encounter arranged by eight-year-old Chairman of Merrill Lynch
Father McHenry prays for the liberty to continue telling God’s children that they’re going to hell
Speaking of children, those altar boys better keep their mouths shut.
Barronelle surrenders to Gay America, grimly contemplates sex with Ellen DeGeneres
“All of my imaginary gay friends know I disapprove of their disgusting lifestyle and are totally fine with it.”
This corporate nameplate has the same constitutional rights you do.
What’s next – eating shellfish?
“It’s gotten so bad that Christians can’t even dictate how other people live their lives anymore.”
Rick pauses to receive another urgent message from the Holy Spirit
“If Bruce Jenner says he’s a woman, then he’s a woman … unless he wants to use a women’s bathroom, in which case, he’s a man.”
“Listen up, people! By order of President Obama, I will now randomly assign each of you a same-sex partner, and you will proceed to make passionate love while I recite from the Koran!”
Larry checks Revelations against his calendar to see if the Rapture will fall on his bowling night
Nothing in the Bible forbids a self-styled 55-year-old youth minister from sharing the Good News with some sweet-looking college girls waiting for a ride in the park
Future site of Andy Dick’s sex dungeon
Religious conservatives who discriminate against gays today are akin to African-Americans who were the victims of discrimination by religious conservatives in the 1960s. There’s really no other way to look at it.
Not gay, but had disconcerting dream about Michael Sam last night.
Homocops stand guard outside Supreme Court
Brave woman arrested just for expressing her sincerely-held religious beliefs and also mumbling something about anthrax
“So you see honey, once I found out that gays could marry, I couldn’t think of any reason not to sleep with your sister.“
A visit to the Memorial of Persecuted Bakers and Florists is always a deeply moving experience
Gay rulers said it clashed with rainbow
Dustbin of history awaits.