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Monday, June 15, 2015

Huckabee “Nailed Shut”

Link 01A Logo 01C

Synopsis: Hefty homophobic hillbilly Mike Huckabee touts his unenviable experience leading one of America’s least appealing states to show that he’s as qualified as any of the other interchangeable Bible-skimming, gun-toting hyperconservative nutjobs seeking the 2016 Republican presidential nomination.

01
When Mike Huckabee became Governor of Arkansas, bitter Democrats literally nailed his office door shut

-0:02-

02
Bill Clinton liked nailing things

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The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hammer is a good guy with a hammer – or possibly a crowbar

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It takes a 3/4 majority of the Arkansas state legislature to amend the Old Testament

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27 
“… and to defend, protect, and serve the oil and gas industry, and all of its interests, so help me God.”

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Specifically, the Huckabee family’s income

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Mike Huckabee (right) discusses welfare reform at the Republican Governors Association while Mitt Romney (center) tries to calculate what percentage of Americans are leeches and Mark Sanford (left) fantasizes about the moonlit breasts of his Argentinian mistress

-0:51-

51
Governor Huckabee waves to God of Abraham as wife Janet starts to turn into a pillar of salt

-1:14-

114
Mike Huckabee received a standing ovation at the 2008 Republican National Convention.  So did Aaron Schock.

-1:17-

117 
Tearful non-homeschooled kids bused off to liberal indoctrination center where they’ll be forced to learn about climate change and Caitlyn Jenner

-1:24-

124
Bob Parker just wants the freedom to run his cattle ranch without all those intrusive regulations from the USDA

-1:28-

128
“Mad cow disease” – sounds made-up.

-1:32-

132
Mike reflects on a strange new America where gays get married and Olympians switch sexes at will

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133
He wonders if it’s too late to declare that he feels like a woman so he can shower with high school girls

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135 
Lydia supports Mike Huckabee’s plan to liberate her from tyranny of a government-mandated minimum wage

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135A 
Unfortunately, unless TLC develops a new reality series based on her hilarious squalor, Lydia’s maximum wage is zero

-1:38-

138
Local residents say town buildings started to look slanty not long after nearby fracking operation got underway, but it’s just their imagination

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139
Patriotic dwarves claimed this sidewalk for the United States

-1:51-

151
In these confusing times, moral clarity is more important than ever …

-1:53-

153
So let there be no doubt: if a teenage boy sexually molests several young girls over an extended period of time, he should be punished to the full extent of the law, unless the boy’s parents turn out to be key political backers of a presidential candidate, and the boy was given a good talking-to, and years later offers a carefully-worded apology, and is forgiven by God, as solely ascertained by the abuser himself.

-1:54-

154
“Let’s change the subject.”

-1:57-

157
Mike Huckabee shows his strong commitment to the fight against ISIS by reconveying ISIS propaganda to a wider audience

-1:57-

157B
Of course, Huckabee would never go so far as to show footage of an actual ISIS execution in a campaign ad, because that would be –

-1:57-

157C
Um … never mind.

-1:58-

158
97% of Huckabee’s supporters think this dude is Barack Obama.  The other 3% have gone blind from drinking rubbing alcohol.

-1:58-

158A
American-made tank given to the Iraqi Army, appropriated by Sunni tribesmen, and subsequently confiscated by ISIS, is destroyed by an Iranian fighter jet.  It’ll take a Pentagon commission ten months to figure out whether that’s good or bad.

-1:59-

159
Bovine suicide bomber promised 99 heifers in heaven

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200
Firehead soldiers are tough to beat

-2:01-

201
Only Mike Huckabee has the guts to identify terrorists by the name of the religion they want potential recruits to believe they’re fighting for

-2:03-

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“Violent extremists” my ass …

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206
“This is a Christian nation, and, as Christians, we are instructed to hate our enemies with a consuming passion.  If they strike us on the cheek, we are compelled by our faith to utterly destroy them.”

-2:07-

207
“And we also must follow the teaching of Jesus by accumulating great wealth, refusing to help the needy, and condemning the sinfulness of others while trumpeting our own virtue.”

-2:08-

208
“You’ll find a complimentary basket of stones to cast at adulterers under each of your seats.”

-2:11-

211 
Because, at this point, why the hell not?

Loathsomeness: 7.1

12 comments:

  1. Editor,

    I'm sure you've heard that Trump is now officially running. I will not rest until you address this on PP.

    Sincerely,

    The world

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I check to see if he's got an ad up yet every day.

      Delete
  2. I wonder what sort of atrocity Jeb Bush will run.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Mike Huckabee spend the roughly one year in the last thirty that he wasn't morbidly obese writing and selling a book preaching that all it takes to not be morbidly obese is a little self-control and discipline. Then he went back to being morbidly obese and lecturing us about other things. Sounds like the guy I want for President.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I should do his diabetes infomercial.

      Delete
  4. waste of your time. Most Republicans outside of Arkansas barely know he exists. Hence the awful showing in 2008.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, it was a pretty decent showing in 2008.

      Delete
  5. "Nailed Shut" registers uncomfortably high on the creep-meter considering that creepworthy comment he made about wanting to identify as female so he could shower with girls.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Apparently that's permitted by the Bible.

      Delete
  6. You've got to hand it to the creator of these videos. These people certainly look about as smart as they seem.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure it's a very rigorous screening process.

      Delete

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