Synopsis: Hefty homophobic hillbilly Mike Huckabee touts his unenviable experience leading one of America’s least appealing states to show that he’s as qualified as any of the other interchangeable Bible-skimming, gun-toting hyperconservative nutjobs seeking the 2016 Republican presidential nomination.
When Mike Huckabee became Governor of Arkansas, bitter Democrats literally nailed his office door shut
Bill Clinton liked nailing things
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hammer is a good guy with a hammer – or possibly a crowbar
It takes a 3/4 majority of the Arkansas state legislature to amend the Old Testament
“… and to defend, protect, and serve the oil and gas industry, and all of its interests, so help me God.”
Specifically, the Huckabee family’s income
Mike Huckabee (right) discusses welfare reform at the Republican Governors Association while Mitt Romney (center) tries to calculate what percentage of Americans are leeches and Mark Sanford (left) fantasizes about the moonlit breasts of his Argentinian mistress
Governor Huckabee waves to God of Abraham as wife Janet starts to turn into a pillar of salt
Mike Huckabee received a standing ovation at the 2008 Republican National Convention. So did Aaron Schock.
Tearful non-homeschooled kids bused off to liberal indoctrination center where they’ll be forced to learn about climate change and Caitlyn Jenner
Bob Parker just wants the freedom to run his cattle ranch without all those intrusive regulations from the USDA
“Mad cow disease” – sounds made-up.
Mike reflects on a strange new America where gays get married and Olympians switch sexes at will
He wonders if it’s too late to declare that he feels like a woman so he can shower with high school girls
Lydia supports Mike Huckabee’s plan to liberate her from tyranny of a government-mandated minimum wage
Unfortunately, unless TLC develops a new reality series based on her hilarious squalor, Lydia’s maximum wage is zero
Local residents say town buildings started to look slanty not long after nearby fracking operation got underway, but it’s just their imagination
Patriotic dwarves claimed this sidewalk for the United States
In these confusing times, moral clarity is more important than ever …
So let there be no doubt: if a teenage boy sexually molests several young girls over an extended period of time, he should be punished to the full extent of the law, unless the boy’s parents turn out to be key political backers of a presidential candidate, and the boy was given a good talking-to, and years later offers a carefully-worded apology, and is forgiven by God, as solely ascertained by the abuser himself.
“Let’s change the subject.”
Mike Huckabee shows his strong commitment to the fight against ISIS by reconveying ISIS propaganda to a wider audience
Of course, Huckabee would never go so far as to show footage of an actual ISIS execution in a campaign ad, because that would be –
Um … never mind.
97% of Huckabee’s supporters think this dude is Barack Obama. The other 3% have gone blind from drinking rubbing alcohol.
American-made tank given to the Iraqi Army, appropriated by Sunni tribesmen, and subsequently confiscated by ISIS, is destroyed by an Iranian fighter jet. It’ll take a Pentagon commission ten months to figure out whether that’s good or bad.
Bovine suicide bomber promised 99 heifers in heaven
Firehead soldiers are tough to beat
Only Mike Huckabee has the guts to identify terrorists by the name of the religion they want potential recruits to believe they’re fighting for
“Violent extremists” my ass …
“This is a Christian nation, and, as Christians, we are instructed to hate our enemies with a consuming passion. If they strike us on the cheek, we are compelled by our faith to utterly destroy them.”
“And we also must follow the teaching of Jesus by accumulating great wealth, refusing to help the needy, and condemning the sinfulness of others while trumpeting our own virtue.”
“You’ll find a complimentary basket of stones to cast at adulterers under each of your seats.”
Because, at this point, why the hell not?