Synopsis: Answering the desperate pleas of no one, former Texas Governor Rick Perry seeks political redemption, or at least Sarah Palin’s gig on Fox News, by making another bumbling attempt to get elected president of a country he once threatened to secede from.
Three years ago, while whacked out on painkillers for his overtaxed spine, Rick Perry had a beautiful dream …
From the smoldering ashes of his catastrophic 2012 presidential bid, he would rise up again to mount a second, non-hilarious campaign for the White House in 2016
All he needed to make it happen was a billionaire backer, a pair of smart-guy glasses, and … um …
When he awoke, he couldn’t remember the third thing
Washington basks in Biblically-approved 100-degree temperatures as Congress prepares to adjourn for Thanksgiving
If we can’t pump a gazillion gallons of fresh water into our absurdist lawns while half the nation turns into a dust bowl, the terrorists win
The best way to restore Americans’ faith in their government is to convince them that its only function is to take their hard-earned money and ruin their lives
Meet the New Rick Perry: Smart. Technocratic. And something else.
“On my first day in office, I will tell Vladimir Putin that his effort to destabilize Eastern Europe is unacceptable. Then I will shoot him.”
Perry scans Texas countryside for signs of federal troops hiding in abandoned Walmarts
“If you’re captured, swallow that cyanide pill before they force you to attend a gay wedding.”
Texas is so big, its highway department has its own navy
“When I said the Charleston massacre was an ‘accident,’ I meant to say that it was a hate crime. And when I said taking folks’ guns away wasn’t the answer, I meant that I was open to having a conversation about gun control. And when I said the Confederate flag was a time-honored symbol of Southern pride, I meant …”
This is getting a little weird …
The truth is that Katy Perry has a better chance of becoming President than Rick Perry
Gateway Arch symbolizes national unity, colossal dullness of St. Louis
His skin looks like it was poured from a cooking vat of Wrigley’s gum.
Dude, I think you’ve already got the “American Sniper” vote locked up.
Diverse crowd at Republican leadership forum includes white middle-aged men, white middle-aged women, white military veterans, white senior citizens, and white Ken Burns
Iowa residents can barely contain their delight at prospect of another Perry presidential run
Perry’s vice-like grip crushes hand of terrified seven-year-old spelling bee champion at Des Moines community center
“Do you know anything about the Asia-Pacific Free Trade Agreement? Cause I’ve got a debate in half an hour.”
“Wait – don’t tell me …”
Perry quietly pays his respects to the imaginary victims of Obamacare
The Civil War was fun, wasn’t it? Let’s do that again sometime.
“Did that Ebola critter go this way?”
“Tell all your cyborg friends I’m fixin’ to invade Syria.”
“Thank you so much Governor for asserting eminent domain over my reproductive organs.”
“ … and to faithfully serve the People of the State and/or Republic of Texas, as circumstances may warrant …”
Rick Perry waves to inaugural well-wishers while wife Anita somberly contemplates fact that she is married to Rick Perry
Mitt whooped me pretty good last time …
… but I’m gonna finish Jeb like that mangy coyote I caught messin’ with my dog.
If he wants to carry Russia, he’ll have to take off his shirt.
“You all might think the Republican field already has enough small-minded, big-talking reactionary candidates who say they want to take on the Washington Establishment and cut bureaucracy to the bone.”
“But let me tell you – I’ve forgotten more federal agencies I want to abolish than any of ‘em ever knew.”
He’s nuts, but not Ted Cruz nuts.