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Friday, June 26, 2015

Perry “Truth”

Link 01 Logo 01A

Synopsis: Answering the desperate pleas of no one, former Texas Governor Rick Perry seeks political redemption, or at least Sarah Palin’s gig on Fox News, by making another bumbling attempt to get elected president of a country he once threatened to secede from.

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Three years ago, while whacked out on painkillers for his overtaxed spine, Rick Perry had a beautiful dream …

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From the smoldering ashes of his catastrophic 2012 presidential bid, he would rise up again to mount a second, non-hilarious campaign for the White House in 2016

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All he needed to make it happen was a billionaire backer, a pair of smart-guy glasses, and … um …

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When he awoke, he couldn’t remember the third thing

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Washington basks in Biblically-approved 100-degree temperatures as Congress prepares to adjourn for Thanksgiving

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If we can’t pump a gazillion gallons of fresh water into our absurdist lawns while half the nation turns into a dust bowl, the terrorists win

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The best way to restore Americans’ faith in their government is to convince them that its only function is to take their hard-earned money and ruin their lives

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Meet the New Rick Perry: Smart. Technocratic. And something else.

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“On my first day in office, I will tell Vladimir Putin that his effort to destabilize Eastern Europe is unacceptable. Then I will shoot him.”

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Perry scans Texas countryside for signs of federal troops hiding in abandoned Walmarts

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“If you’re captured, swallow that cyanide pill before they force you to attend a gay wedding.”

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Texas is so big, its highway department has its own navy

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19B
“When I said the Charleston massacre was an ‘accident,’ I meant to say that it was a hate crime. And when I said taking folks’ guns away wasn’t the answer, I meant that I was open to having a conversation about gun control. And when I said the Confederate flag was a time-honored symbol of Southern pride, I meant …”

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This is getting a little weird …

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The truth is that Katy Perry has a better chance of becoming President than Rick Perry

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Gateway Arch symbolizes national unity, colossal dullness of St. Louis

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His skin looks like it was poured from a cooking vat of Wrigley’s gum.

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Dude, I think you’ve already got the “American Sniper” vote locked up.

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Diverse crowd at Republican leadership forum includes white middle-aged men, white middle-aged women, white military veterans, white senior citizens, and white Ken Burns

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Iowa residents can barely contain their delight at prospect of another Perry presidential run

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Perry’s vice-like grip crushes hand of terrified seven-year-old spelling bee champion at Des Moines community center

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“Do you know anything about the Asia-Pacific Free Trade Agreement? Cause I’ve got a debate in half an hour.”

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“Wait – don’t tell me …”

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Perry quietly pays his respects to the imaginary victims of Obamacare

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The Civil War was fun, wasn’t it? Let’s do that again sometime.

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“Did that Ebola critter go this way?”

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“Tell all your cyborg friends I’m fixin’ to invade Syria.”

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“Thank you so much Governor for asserting eminent domain over my reproductive organs.”

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“ … and to faithfully serve the People of the State and/or Republic of Texas, as circumstances may warrant …”

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Rick Perry waves to inaugural well-wishers while wife Anita somberly contemplates fact that she is married to Rick Perry

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Mitt whooped me pretty good last time …

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… but I’m gonna finish Jeb like that mangy coyote I caught messin’ with my dog.

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If he wants to carry Russia, he’ll have to take off his shirt.

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“You all might think the Republican field already has enough small-minded, big-talking reactionary candidates who say they want to take on the Washington Establishment and cut bureaucracy to the bone.”

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“But let me tell you – I’ve forgotten more federal agencies I want to abolish than any of ‘em ever knew.”

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He’s nuts, but not Ted Cruz nuts.

Loathsomeness: 6.2

13 comments:

  1. 6.2?! This man's very existence is at least a 9.5 of the Loathsomeness Scale.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, but the ad has that uplifting music ...

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  2. Are you sure he's not Ted Cruz nuts? Because he's pretty nuts.

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    1. He's more pathetic than nuts. Ted Cruz may actually have a glimmer of intelligence which makes him sort of scary nuts.

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    2. Perry exhibits a kind of dogged dumbness that makes him a somewhat more sympathetic figure than Cruz, in my opinion.

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  3. The truth is also that Katy Perry would probably make a better president.

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    1. Maybe she could be his running mate...it really would not be any crazier than Sarah Palin, would it?

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    2. I don't think the Left Shark would be any crazier than Palin.

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  4. You know what the United States needs in a president? One who isn't too thrilled about the whole United part and threatened to secede because his team lost one time, giving him the mental maturity of my 5 year old niece.

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    1. Perhaps...but don't you kind of miss him already?

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    2. I do miss him. I'll miss his Texas craziness, his dumb hipster glasses and....I forgot the 3rd one. Oops.

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    3. I'd sooner vote for your five-year-old niece.

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    4. You might not say that about my five-year-old niece. ;)

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