Fitbit “Know Your Heart”

 

The maker of America’s top-selling fitness tracker presents the heartwarming tale of a lovestruck San Francisco stalker who trains his way into better shape so that he can literally chase after the girl of his dreams.

David begins his day by scanning the street for attractive young women who secretly long for the attention of creepy strangers.

-0:01-

He pauses momentarily to check the Fitbit wrist tracker he swiped from the purse of his last would-be girlfriend before she called 911.

-0:02-

It’s a lot more comfortable than his court-ordered electronic ankle bracelet.

-0:03-

All he wants is to find someone worthy of his undying love and HD night vision camera ...

-0:04-

Jackpot.

-0:05-

David does what any normal, well-adjusted man would do in this situation: run wildly after a woman he’s never met to see if he can get a better look at her awesome bod.

-0:06-

Alas, David’s well-toned target is oblivious to his attempted sexual harassment.

-0:07-

Soon she’s so far away, she can’t even hear his heartfelt praise of her ass.

-0:08-

David realizes that he needs to either improve his physical conditioning, or purchase some kind of a tranquilizer gun.

-0:09-

If only this thing could track yoga pants.

-0:10-

Despondent, David returns to his surprisingly tasteful apartment and contemplates killing himself with a stack of overdue library books ...

-0:10-

...then tries charging headlong into a wall.

-0:11-

He finally resolves to do some running, but this horseshoe pit is the only part of the park he can legally occupy without violating one of his 27 active restraining orders.

-0:11-

It seems hopeless.

-0:12-

David can barely even motivate himself to sift through his neighbor’s garbage.

-0:13-

But he rallies, determined to be the best stalker he can be.

-0:14-

David’s heart rate is now optimal for making unwanted sexual advances.

-0:16-

It’s go time.

-0:16-

If there’s one thing David knows about women, it’s that they get turned on when a strange man runs right up alongside them while they’re jogging.

-0:17-

You can tell she wants him by the fact that she altered her route to pass by the nearest police precinct station.

-0:17-

There’s no way you can read the tiny numbers on a Fitbit tracker when you’re actually in motion, but it’s still a great way to avoid making eye contact with athletically inferior human beings.

-0:18-

Keri dreams of a world where she’s regarded for her desire to maintain good health, instead of her incredible hotness.

-0:19-

Unfortunately, Fitbit’s all-male ad writers and producers do not share that dream.

-0:19-

It is what it is.

-0:19-

David finally catches up to Keri, but he’s too out-of-breath to inquire about her underwear.

-0:20-

Odds that she doesn’t already have a boyfriend or husband who could crush him like a grape = zero.

-0:21-

Keri appears unexpectedly amused that a sweaty, panting pursuer has invaded her personal space.

-0:22-

Other than the total emasculation about to follow, this is unfolding exactly the way David fantasized in the shower.

-0:23-

Keri casts a playful glance at her rapey Romeo before making her escape up a steeply inclined stairway that she’s fairly certain would give him a massive heart attack if he were stupid enough to follow.

-0:23-

Oh well – there’s always the high school girls’ volleyball game later tonight.

-0:24-

Keri heads to top of ancient Mayan pyramid.

-0:26-

Fittingly, David will only get about halfway up.

-0:29-

Pepper spray sold separately.

Loathsomeness: 5.9