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Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Fitbit “Know Your Heart”

Fitbit Commercial Fitbit Logo

The maker of America’s top-selling fitness tracker presents the heartwarming tale of a lovestruck San Francisco stalker who trains his way into better shape so that he can literally chase after the girl of his dreams.

Fitbit Commercial WomenDavid begins his day by scanning the street for attractive young women who secretly long for the attention of creepy strangers.

-0:01-

Fitbit Commercial Wrist TrackerHe pauses momentarily to check the Fitbit wrist tracker he swiped from the purse of his last would-be girlfriend before she called 911.

-0:02-

Fitbit Commercial ComfortableIt’s a lot more comfortable than his court-ordered electronic ankle bracelet.

-0:03-

Fitbit Commercial DiscoveryAll he wants is to find someone worthy of his undying love and HD night vision camera ...

-0:04-

Fitbit Commercial RunnerJackpot.

-0:05-

Fitbit Commercial ChaseDavid does what any normal, well-adjusted man would do in this situation: run wildly after a woman he’s never met to see if he can get a better look at her awesome bod.

-0:06-

Fitbit Commercial TargetAlas, David’s well-toned target is oblivious to his attempted sexual harassment.

-0:07-

Fitbit Commercial HarassmentSoon she’s so far away, she can’t even hear his heartfelt praise of her ass.

-0:08-

Fitbit Commercial ConditioningDavid realizes that he needs to either improve his physical conditioning, or purchase some kind of a tranquilizer gun.

-0:09-

Fitbit Commercial Yoga PantsIf only this thing could track yoga pants.

-0:10-

Fitbit Commercial BooksDespondent, David returns to his surprisingly tasteful apartment and contemplates killing himself with a stack of overdue library books ...

-0:10-

Fitbit Commercial Wall...then tries charging headlong into a wall.

-0:11-

Fitbit Commercial Restraining OrderHe finally resolves to do some running, but this horseshoe pit is the only part of the park he can legally occupy without violating one of his 27 active restraining orders.

-0:11-

Fitbit Commercial HopelessIt seems hopeless.

-0:12-

Fitbit Commercial MotivationDavid can barely even motivate himself to sift through his neighbor’s garbage.

-0:13-

Fitbit Commercial StalkerBut he rallies, determined to be the best stalker he can be.

-0:14-

Fitbit Commercial Heart RateDavid’s heart rate is now optimal for making unwanted sexual advances.

-0:16-

Fitbit Commercial Go TimeIt’s go time.

-0:16-

Fitbit Commercial JoggingIf there’s one thing David knows about women, it’s that they get turned on when a strange man runs right up alongside them while they’re jogging.

-0:17-

Fitbit Commercial PoliceYou can tell she wants him by the fact that she altered her route to pass by the nearest police precinct station.

-0:17-

Fitbit Commercial MotionThere’s no way you can read the tiny numbers on a Fitbit tracker when you’re actually in motion, but it’s still a great way to avoid making eye contact with athletically inferior human beings.

-0:18-

Fitbit Commercial Good HealthKeri dreams of a world where she’s regarded for her desire to maintain good health, instead of her incredible hotness.

-0:19-

Fitbit Commercial WritersUnfortunately, Fitbit’s all-male ad writers and producers do not share that dream.

-0:19-

Fitbit Commercial RealityIt is what it is.

-0:19-

Fitbit Commercial UnderwearDavid finally catches up to Keri, but he’s too out-of-breath to inquire about her underwear.

-0:20-

Fitbit Commercial BoyfriendOdds that she doesn’t already have a boyfriend or husband who could crush him like a grape = zero.

-0:21-

Fitbit Commercial PursuerKeri appears unexpectedly amused that a sweaty, panting pursuer has invaded her personal space.

-0:22-

Fitbit Commercial FantasyOther than the total emasculation about to follow, this is unfolding exactly the way David fantasized in the shower.

-0:23-

Fitbit Commercial EscapeKeri casts a playful glance at her rapey Romeo before making her escape up a steeply inclined stairway that she’s fairly certain would give him a massive heart attack if he were stupid enough to follow.

-0:23-

Fitbit Commercial Girls VolleyballOh well – there’s always the high school girls’ volleyball game later tonight.

-0:24-

Fitbit Commercial PyramidKeri heads to top of ancient Mayan pyramid.

-0:26-

Fitbit Commercial HalfwayFittingly, David will only get about halfway up.

-0:29-

Fitbit Commercial Pepper SprayPepper spray sold separately.

Loathsomeness: 5.9

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5 comments:

  1. Awesome, I knew you'd nail this creepy ad. Here's hoping for a productive 2016- we know the "writers" who produce junk like this won't let us down, don't we?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, man -- same to you. There should be plenty to work with.

      Delete
  2. Well played... when can we expect a Trump ad post?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Don't ever stop doing these!

    ReplyDelete

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