PLEASE VISIT OUR NEW SITE NITWITIA

Monday, December 7, 2015

Prevagen “Breakthrough”

Prevagen Commercial Prevagen Logo

A nondescript 65-employee company based in Madison, Wisconsin offers humanity an amazing, clinically proven pill that dramatically improves brain function, creates a sharper mind, and fosters clearer thinking, yet somehow fails to make “Quincy Bioscience” a household name.

Prevagen Commercial Mental PowerWould you like to possess the mental power of this brainless Pacific jellyfish?  With Prevagen, it’s possible.

-0:01-

Prevagen Commercial JellyfishWARNING: May cause bioluminescence.

-0:04-

Prevagen Commercial ScientistsThis woman is not an actual scientist, nor is she actually saying anything.

-0:06-

Prevagen Commercial LabActor portraying lab technician told mother he was auditioning for “Homeland,” also mentioned non-existent girlfriend

-0:09-

Prevagen Commercial FDAFuck the FDA.

-0:12-

Prevagen Commercial EndorsementRick Perry originally tabbed as product endorser, but kept forgetting third thing that Prevagen does

-0:13-

Prevagen Commercial EffectiveStudies show that Prevagen is most effective on people with translucent skin

-0:13-

Prevagen Commercial Human BrainMagnified cutaway view of cerebrum reveals that human brain is composed of tiny jellyfish

-0:16-

Prevagen Commercial ProteinsGreen proteins mean he’s horny

-0:20-

Prevagen Commercial GraphScientific bar graph shows that 8 days equals three-fourths of a month and 30 days equals half of 90 days

-0:20-

Prevagen Commercial SafeLife line predicts he’s going to die taking Prevagen

-0:21-

Prevagen Commercial EffectiveWidow can’t prove he wouldn’t have had that stroke anyway

-0:22-

Prevagen Commercial Digestive TractIt’s funny because the digestive tract will dissolve and eliminate the proteins contained in these pills before they can ever reach the addled brain that was stupid enough to believe they’d work in the first place

-0:22-

Prevagen Commercial StoriesThanks to Prevagen, Grandma’s pointless stories now include 37% more excruciating detail

-0:23-

Prevagen Commercial Details “ ... and that’s your great uncle Elroy -- he used to drive a Dodge Charger with license plate number GLS-1928 ...”

-0:23-

Prevagen Commercial Memory “... which is interesting, because1928 is the year that Walter Mondale was born in Minnesota, where Elroy used to go ice fishing with your grandfather.”

-0:24-

Prevagen Commercial Connections“Of course, Minnesota was the only state that Mondale carried when he lost to Ronald Regan by 512 electoral votes in 1984.”

-0:24-

Prevagen Commercial Grandparents“Oh – now this is our former accountant, Lester.  I had sex with him three times in 1965.  He liked it a little rough.”

-0:24-

Prevagen Commercial Sharper MindFive seconds after taking Prevagen: mind starts to become sharper; whiskers more bristly

-0:25-

Prevagen Commercial ImprovementFifteen seconds after taking Prevagen: memory begins to improve – car keys were left in spinach salad

-0:26-

Prevagen Commercial IntellectThirty seconds after taking Prevagen: intellect increases exponentially; startling truths discovered

-0:26-

Prevagen Commercial Truth“My God – Donald Trump is right!”

-0:27-

Prevagen Commercial AdLook for our ad in UFO Magazine.

Loathsomeness: 7.3

Pointless Planet on Facebook

20 comments:

  1. 37% more excruciating detail. Bahaha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Grandma was more tolerable when she couldn't even remember what she did an hour ago.

      Delete
  2. Welcome back, Editor!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! Sorry it's been so long -- as you may have noticed, I've been tinkering with the format a little bit and trying to make some improvements.

      Delete
    2. Yes, welcome back!! :)

      You rest up, now, though - you're going to have your hands full next year when the election cycle starts doing wheelies across our faces.

      Delete
    3. All I want for Christmas is a Trump campaign ad.

      Delete
  3. Always look forward to the new ones. Thanks for the laughs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome. I'm going to try to pick up the pace going forward. Please keep checking in.

      Delete
  4. Spot on!
    you da man!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. If you watch one of the cable news channels for longer than 20 minutes, you're bound to see this ad. Which I suppose says something about the viewing demographic of cable news. Which I suppose says something about me, since I've personally seen it at least 500 times.

      Delete
  5. I understand that after 4 weeks taking this new miracle cure you turn into a Scott Walker clone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I miss that weirdo. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't do his ridiculous campaign ad before he dropped out (Scott Walker in jeans and a leather jacket is still ... Scott Walker).

      Delete

  6. Off-topic, but you simply MUST do a cut-up of the ad for Biblezon Tablets- the "Holy" way to access the internet. I still can't believe it's not brilliant snark.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just found their ad on YouTube -- I can't thank you enough for bringing this to my attention. It's a goldmine. Unfortunately, now I'm having posting issues because of the Windows Live Writer shutdown, so I'm trying to figure out how to deal with that.

      Delete
    2. Oh wow! I can't believe this is a real thing.

      The best part is, it doesn't actually let you access the internet (as that would be "distracting"), but in order to use it, you still need a wifi connection (apparently all the content is streamed through their service).

      So you're spending money on something that's irritating and inconvenient by design. It's like a 21st-century hair shirt! I guess they've got this Catholicism thing down, after all.

      Delete
  7. Replies
    1. Snake oil probably would be more beneficial.

      Delete
  8. Editor, I have a request: Normally, the Lexus "December to Remember" commercials are unbearable but they don't even register on the same horrifying scale as the Mercedes Christmas commercial with those screaming idiot parents (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n94KRJK6-3s). What say you?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, we're well aware of that little monstrosity. Definitely gives Lexus a run for its money. But for sheer crassness, I'd still go with "December to Remember."

      Delete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.