A nondescript 65-employee company based in Madison, Wisconsin offers humanity an amazing, clinically proven pill that dramatically improves brain function, creates a sharper mind, and fosters clearer thinking, yet somehow fails to make “Quincy Bioscience” a household name.
Would you like to possess the mental power of this brainless Pacific jellyfish? With Prevagen, it’s possible.
WARNING: May cause bioluminescence.
This woman is not an actual scientist, nor is she actually saying anything.
Actor portraying lab technician told mother he was auditioning for “Homeland,” also mentioned non-existent girlfriend
Fuck the FDA.
Rick Perry originally tabbed as product endorser, but kept forgetting third thing that Prevagen does
Studies show that Prevagen is most effective on people with translucent skin
Magnified cutaway view of cerebrum reveals that human brain is composed of tiny jellyfish
Green proteins mean he’s horny
Scientific bar graph shows that 8 days equals three-fourths of a month and 30 days equals half of 90 days
Life line predicts he’s going to die taking Prevagen
Widow can’t prove he wouldn’t have had that stroke anyway
It’s funny because the digestive tract will dissolve and eliminate the proteins contained in these pills before they can ever reach the addled brain that was stupid enough to believe they’d work in the first place
Thanks to Prevagen, Grandma’s pointless stories now include 37% more excruciating detail
“ ... and that’s your great uncle Elroy -- he used to drive a Dodge Charger with license plate number GLS-1928 ...”
“... which is interesting, because1928 is the year that Walter Mondale was born in Minnesota, where Elroy used to go ice fishing with your grandfather.”
“Of course, Minnesota was the only state that Mondale carried when he lost to Ronald Regan by 512 electoral votes in 1984.”
“Oh – now this is our former accountant, Lester. I had sex with him three times in 1965. He liked it a little rough.”
Five seconds after taking Prevagen: mind starts to become sharper; whiskers more bristly
Fifteen seconds after taking Prevagen: memory begins to improve – car keys were left in spinach salad
Thirty seconds after taking Prevagen: intellect increases exponentially; startling truths discovered
“My God – Donald Trump is right!”
Look for our ad in UFO Magazine.