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Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Trump “Great Again”

Trump Campaign Ad Trump Logo

Short-fingered vulgarian / unfolding GOP catastrophe Donald Trump releases his first official campaign ad, featuring a greatest hits collection of the transparently vacuous proclamations and catchphrases that have made him a hero to millions of far-white wackos traumatized by Muslims, Mexicans, and menstruation.

Trump Campaign Ad Republican PrimaryIn the beginning, the Republican presidential primary was only darkness, and God said, “Let there be ...

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Trump Campaign Ad Creation... Trump.”

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Trump Campaign Ad GodAnd God saw that The Donald was phenomenal; truly, truly amazing – the absolute best.

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Trump Campaign Ad BenghaziTerrible woman who enabled husband’s philandering and left U.S. personnel to die in Benghazi while attending yoga class stands next to foreign un-American non-citizen who schlonged her in 2008

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Trump Campaign Ad ObamaIn somber Rose Garden address, President Obama apologizes to Great Britain for America’s Declaration of Independence, promises to pay reparations for tea thrown into Boston Harbor

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Trump Campaign Ad ClintonSecretary Clinton previously stated that the Revolutionary War was triggered by a video, prompting a Congressional investigation

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Trump Campaign Ad Willie HortonMeet the 2016 Willie Hortons.

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Trump Campaign Ad San BernardinoNot pictured: thousands of non-Muslims responsible for vast majority of shooting deaths that occurred in the U.S. during the past year

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Trump Campaign Ad Islamic TerrorismIf you say it enough times, the evildoers magically start to disappear.

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Trump Campaign Ad VictimsHowever, their victims remain just as dead.

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Trump Campaign Ad MuslimsCrowd of banned Muslims held in detention until President Trump declares that we’ve figured out what’s going on

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Trump Campaign Ad Sharia LawReplacement of U.S. Constitution with Sharia law will have to wait

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Trump Campaign Ad ExtremistsUnfortunately, these three extremists cleverly evaded new screening procedures by self-identifying as Presbyterians

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Trump Campaign Ad ISISThat Mr. Isis is gonna be sorry he messed with us.

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Trump Campaign Ad Hotel CasinoSite of future Trump Grand Raqqa Hotel & Casino

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Trump Campaign Ad Border WallIllegal immigrants easily scale concrete border wall, but are thwarted by defensive cranberry bog

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Trump Campaign Ad Illegal ImmigrantsIt’s funny because these are actually Moroccans trying to reach the Spanish enclave of Melilla, on the African coast.

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Trump Campaign Ad SpainTrump will make Spain great again.

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Trump Campaign Ad Period“I don’t know what’s worse – a woman having her period, with all of that blood coming out of her you-know-what, or having to go to the bathroom, which is disgusting ... it’s completely disgusting.”

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Trump Campaign Ad Bathroom“I promise you, if I am elected President, I will never, ever go to the bathroom.”

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Trump Campaign Ad Putin“Do you think Valdimir Putin goes to the bathroom?  I don’t think so ... I don’t think so.”

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Trump Campaign Ad Sex“Putin and I would get along great, by the way.  In fact, if I were gay – which I am not, although I think he probably is – I would totally, totally have sex with him.  And it would be unbelievable, trust me.”

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Trump Campaign Ad Daughter“I’m actually – I don’t know if I should say this – I’m actually a little attracted to my daughter Ivanka.  I mean, have you seen her?  She’s incredibly, incredibly attractive.  She’s like the exact opposite of Carly Fiorina – am I right?”

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Trump Campaign Ad Stupid“You people are so fucking stupid.”

Loathsomeness: 8.8

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15 comments:

  1. "What's the difference between Trump supporters and Sanders supporters? I don't see any, except that Trump isn't a Socialistic Socialist Liberal White Elite Socialism-loving Socialist!"

    --Sincerely, Chris Matthews

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  2. I wouldn't have thought there was any material for a satirist to work with when you're dealing with somebody who's already a walking talking parody of a bad joke. Excellent.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, it turned out to be a tougher challenge than I'd thought, but very satisfying in the end.

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  3. The funny thing is that Fox "News" disavows this Trumpenstein Monster they've made.

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    Replies
    1. He's got them all tied up in knots. They think he's part of a liberal plot to get Hillary elected, but they can't aggressively criticize him without offending their witless viewers.

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  4. If anything deserves a maximum loathsomeness rating, it's Trump.

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    Replies
    1. Trump the person, maybe; but this ad itself is too absurd to generate a sufficient level of disdain.

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  5. And your Christmas wish was granted! Woohoo!

    I love the bit at the end. You capture his "voice" well.

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  6. Help! We need more snarky satire asap! Mocking his political aspirations is the only thing left to distract me from his political aspirations.

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  7. Editor... please come back!!!

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  8. I do wish you'd crank out more of these pieces. I witnessed a particularly schmaltzy Duracell ad today that urgently needs your satirical touch.

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  9. ... (crickets chirping) ...

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