Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Trump “Great Again”

Trump Campaign Ad Trump Logo

Short-fingered vulgarian / unfolding GOP catastrophe Donald Trump releases his first official campaign ad, featuring a greatest hits collection of the transparently vacuous proclamations and catchphrases that have made him a hero to millions of far-white wackos traumatized by Muslims, Mexicans, and menstruation.

Trump Campaign Ad Republican PrimaryIn the beginning, the Republican presidential primary was only darkness, and God said, “Let there be ...


Trump Campaign Ad Creation... Trump.”


Trump Campaign Ad GodAnd God saw that The Donald was phenomenal; truly, truly amazing – the absolute best.


Trump Campaign Ad BenghaziTerrible woman who enabled husband’s philandering and left U.S. personnel to die in Benghazi while attending yoga class stands next to foreign un-American non-citizen who schlonged her in 2008


Trump Campaign Ad ObamaIn somber Rose Garden address, President Obama apologizes to Great Britain for America’s Declaration of Independence, promises to pay reparations for tea thrown into Boston Harbor


Trump Campaign Ad ClintonSecretary Clinton previously stated that the Revolutionary War was triggered by a video, prompting a Congressional investigation


Trump Campaign Ad Willie HortonMeet the 2016 Willie Hortons.


Trump Campaign Ad San BernardinoNot pictured: thousands of non-Muslims responsible for vast majority of shooting deaths that occurred in the U.S. during the past year


Trump Campaign Ad Islamic TerrorismIf you say it enough times, the evildoers magically start to disappear.


Trump Campaign Ad VictimsHowever, their victims remain just as dead.


Trump Campaign Ad MuslimsCrowd of banned Muslims held in detention until President Trump declares that we’ve figured out what’s going on


Trump Campaign Ad Sharia LawReplacement of U.S. Constitution with Sharia law will have to wait


Trump Campaign Ad ExtremistsUnfortunately, these three extremists cleverly evaded new screening procedures by self-identifying as Presbyterians


Trump Campaign Ad ISISThat Mr. Isis is gonna be sorry he messed with us.


Trump Campaign Ad Hotel CasinoSite of future Trump Grand Raqqa Hotel & Casino


Trump Campaign Ad Border WallIllegal immigrants easily scale concrete border wall, but are thwarted by defensive cranberry bog


Trump Campaign Ad Illegal ImmigrantsIt’s funny because these are actually Moroccans trying to reach the Spanish enclave of Melilla, on the African coast.


Trump Campaign Ad SpainTrump will make Spain great again.


Trump Campaign Ad Period“I don’t know what’s worse – a woman having her period, with all of that blood coming out of her you-know-what, or having to go to the bathroom, which is disgusting ... it’s completely disgusting.”


Trump Campaign Ad Bathroom“I promise you, if I am elected President, I will never, ever go to the bathroom.”


Trump Campaign Ad Putin“Do you think Valdimir Putin goes to the bathroom?  I don’t think so ... I don’t think so.”


Trump Campaign Ad Sex“Putin and I would get along great, by the way.  In fact, if I were gay – which I am not, although I think he probably is – I would totally, totally have sex with him.  And it would be unbelievable, trust me.”


Trump Campaign Ad Daughter“I’m actually – I don’t know if I should say this – I’m actually a little attracted to my daughter Ivanka.  I mean, have you seen her?  She’s incredibly, incredibly attractive.  She’s like the exact opposite of Carly Fiorina – am I right?”


Trump Campaign Ad Stupid“You people are so fucking stupid.”

Loathsomeness: 8.8

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  1. "What's the difference between Trump supporters and Sanders supporters? I don't see any, except that Trump isn't a Socialistic Socialist Liberal White Elite Socialism-loving Socialist!"

    --Sincerely, Chris Matthews

  2. I wouldn't have thought there was any material for a satirist to work with when you're dealing with somebody who's already a walking talking parody of a bad joke. Excellent.

    1. Yeah, it turned out to be a tougher challenge than I'd thought, but very satisfying in the end.

  3. The funny thing is that Fox "News" disavows this Trumpenstein Monster they've made.

    1. He's got them all tied up in knots. They think he's part of a liberal plot to get Hillary elected, but they can't aggressively criticize him without offending their witless viewers.

  4. If anything deserves a maximum loathsomeness rating, it's Trump.

    1. Trump the person, maybe; but this ad itself is too absurd to generate a sufficient level of disdain.

  5. And your Christmas wish was granted! Woohoo!

    I love the bit at the end. You capture his "voice" well.

  6. Help! We need more snarky satire asap! Mocking his political aspirations is the only thing left to distract me from his political aspirations.

  7. Editor... please come back!!!

  8. I do wish you'd crank out more of these pieces. I witnessed a particularly schmaltzy Duracell ad today that urgently needs your satirical touch.

  9. ... (crickets chirping) ...


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