Monday, May 18, 2015

Carson “Revival”

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Synopsis: After getting the green light from Jesus, cerebral religious conservative hero Dr. Ben Carson shows off his celebrated intellect by starting a presidential campaign given virtually no chance of success with a ponderous, meandering ad in which he barely appears and fails to articulate any coherent rationale for his absurd candidacy.

Defiant U.S. Congress refuses to enforce Old Testament


God has an app for that


Politicians are the worst – take it from Ben Carson, who gave up an accomplished medical career in order to become one


I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a spirited little girl play with a toy biplane in a Midwestern wheat field while wearing a vintage aviator hat, scarf, and goggles.


Oh, that’s right – zero.


First phase of Carson’s economic recovery plan calls for pre-emptive nuclear strike on America’s uncooperative Asian trading partners


Protesters may not realize it, but their real problem isn’t cops killing them in the streets – it’s that they haven’t learned how to empower themselves through the cultivation of core values


Baltimore Police helicopter conducts aerial search for black men with questionable knives and unbroken spines


Vanessa doesn’t seem to understand that all she has to do to escape poverty is become a brilliant neurosurgeon


This fellow needs to stop looking to the government for answers and start creating his own biotech company that can compete with China


After death panel rejected her appeal, Ellen DeStefano is escorted to Obamacare crematorium


Laura can’t decide whether to spend her food stamps on lobster tails or save them up for her Caribbean cruise


After years of fruitlessly trying to restrict campaign donations, Federal Election Commission decided it would be easier just to let presidential candidates print their own money


Ignoring the political risks, Ben Carson strongly supports Article 7’s requirement that the Constitution be ratified by nine of the thirteen states that gained independence from Great Britain


Article 6’s prohibition against religious tests for holding public office quickly fades out of view


Washington fat cat donates another 50 grand to Clinton Foundation, subverts democracy by demanding that malaria be eradicated from African village in return


Death Star blueprints obtained by Carson campaign reveal previously unknown vulnerability, may provide opening for Rebel attack


Human activity does not contribute to global warming.  Or maybe it does – who the hell cares?


Because Dr. Carson doesn’t see color, he is unable to verify the results of this lab test


Not pictured: president who believed nation’s laws should be based on Christian beliefs


For generations, Americans have followed clear Biblical teaching that marriage is between one man and one woman of the same race.


Thanks to radical secularists, House of God is now House of Pancakes


Martin Luther King, Jr. often talked about how a government initiative to provide affordable health care to low-income Americans would be the worst thing since slavery, but unfortunately no one wrote it down


On bus ride to halfway house, Joe reflects on how prison made him decide to turn gay


Nothing symbolizes healing like a vicious bird of prey


Ben Carson’s moving personal story makes me feel like I can achieve my lifelong dream of never climbing a mountain.


Under Carson Administration, tearful military farewells will double …


… and discretionary foreign conflicts will be 50% more inconclusive


Boy rescued from liberal education system gazes upon American flag for first time, wonders if he’s supposed to burn it


Only a true leader like Ben Carson would have the courage to approve an official campaign portrait that shows him slouched in a chair next to a pile of fake books


He’s so smart, he doesn’t need prepositions

Loathsomeness: 6.9