Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Slim Jeggings “Stretch”

Link 01 Logo 01E

Synopsis: In another triumph of American exceptionalism, some fashion genius creates elastic leggings made to look like the “skinny” jeans that most U.S. women can no longer wear without surgery.

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Ordinary jeans that you deliberately bought three sizes too small in order to continue deceiving yourself about your undesirable weight gain somehow never seem to fit

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If inseam enters your uterus, you can get a little more wiggle room

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03A
Button flies off seconds later and shatters window

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As long as she can get through the entire day without bending at the waist or using her lower intestines, she’ll be fine

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Finally, a solution – imitation denim stretch pants that highlight your enormous ass

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Fake jeans go great with fake boobs

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“Walmart, here I come!”

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Lillian Peters feels like a whole new woman after changing absolutely nothing about her body

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She’ll never wear her medieval corset pants again

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First used by commercial tuna fishermen, the fibers in Slim Jeggings’ special containment fabric have six times the strength of steel

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Slim Jeggings causes you to look and feel more attractive by making your butt stick out farther than ever before …

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… while Jeggings’ patented lift technology thrusts up additional fat deposits from your thighs

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WARNING: contents under extreme pressure

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I wouldn’t try putting anything thicker than a parking ticket in there.

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Let’s allow Kim Kardashian to be the judge of that

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Does Jeggings also make a Jrassiere?

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“Look at how disgusting I was before I compacted my flab into a tight mound and switched to soft white lighting.”

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Basically, she pulled her pants up over her stomach and pulled her shirt down over her bottom.  There – I saved you $40.

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Naturally slim woman pretends she’d be caught dead in these

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Optional glow-in-the-dark glute panels are a perfect way to attract a mate after sunset

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I guess it’s all relative …

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“I used to be so embarrassed by my muffin top that I actually started to consider dieting and exercise.”

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“But with Slim Jeggings, that unsightly bulge around my waist is evenly spread across my torso to create the illusion that I’m not quite so fat.”

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“Now only Jesus knows how badly I’ve let myself go!”

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It also helps to un-slump your shoulders, brush your hair, put on some makeup, iron your shirt, and straighten your throw pillows

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Jeggings are the only faux denim leggings approved by the American Medical Association

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“I don’t even worry about diabetes anymore!”

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Cotton + nylon + spandex = you’re still fat

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Zero size slimmer when you exhale

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“I finally have the figure I always dreamed of while I was eating two quarts of ice cream a day.”

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“I feel sexy enough to be one of those women they put in ads to show that overweight women are sexy.”

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Hurry – offer ends when idiots stop buying

Loathsomeness: 7.6