Thursday, November 20, 2014

Buick “The Garcias”

Link 01 Logo 01F

Synopsis: A couple of insecure Onepercentians creepily covet their neighbors’ new Buick prickmobile.

00 
Life is good in Fruitopia …

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01
… where it’s always the right time for a glass of freshly-squeezed lemorange juice

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02
“Looks like the Garcias got a new penis – I mean car.”

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03
Kirk and his horrible haircut sense a disturbance in the Force

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04 
Just think, this human drain clog makes 7 times as much as you do.

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05
Marla experiences her first orgasm since President Obama took office

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06
Like the current Administration, it started out with great promise, then fizzled at the end

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07 
Comes fully equipped with side-impact airbags and smug sense of self-entitlement

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09
Good thing Kirk had his leering binoculars handy

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10
Magnification is strong enough to capture the Garcias’  teenage daughter going to cheer practice, so viewing their monstrous car should be no problem

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11
Sure, their lives are already perfect … but they could be perfecter

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12
“I should double-check their immigration status …“

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13
Say what you will about his ride, but Mr. Garcia is one smoldering hunk of man-meat

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14 
No reason to park Buick behind security gate, because no sane person would steal it

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15
Marla wonders where the Garcias purchased their car and also what Mr. Garcia looks like without his shirt

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16
Unfortunately, she thought the thing she meant to say, and said the thing she meant to think

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16A
Well, it’s too late now

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17
Kirk will add this to his emasculation diary

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18
“Hey neighbors!  Just stopping back at my palatial house to sexually satisfy my wife before heading off to the gym!”

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18A
“I thought I might’ve dinged your Volvo as I was driving up, but then I realized it was just a trash bin.”

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19
If Kirk wasn’t afraid of catching Ebola, he’d go out there and give Garcia a piece of his mind

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19A
He doesn’t feel like squeezing anything anymore

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22 
Like the old Buick, only douchier

Loathsomeness: 9.2

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Prudential “Ribbons”

Link 01C Logo 02D

Synopsis: On behalf of the Prudential corporation and the big fat check it stuffed into his pocket, sellout social psychologist Daniel Gilbert smugly strolls through a sun-splashed public park to remind everyone not named Daniel Gilbert that they haven’t saved nearly enough money to avoid dying in abject poverty.

01
Looks like a perfect day to depress the hell out of struggling middle-class wage earners in Savannah, Georgia

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04
Giant retirement savings calculator is going to ruin ambiance of Civil War re-enactment scheduled for later this afternoon

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05
Participants in commercial demonstration were told not to bring any guns, Confederate flags, or common sense

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08
“We asked people a question: ‘How much money do you think you’ll need when you retire?’”

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09
“Then we asked them, ‘Are you gullible enough to take financial advice from a softly patronizing psychologist with no background or qualifications in economics whatsoever?’”

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09A
“Prudential gave me a boatload of cash to spend a couple of hours pretending to care what happens to you people.”

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11
“I was paid more for this commercial than you make in an entire year of actually contributing something to society – just think about that.”

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12
It’s a trick question if you were born after 1960, because you’re never going to retire

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13
“How much money do you think you’ll need to buy a new camera after I shove that one up your ass?”

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13A
“ISIS offers a pretty good pension plan, so I think I’m all set.”

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14
“When I close my eyes I’m a billionaire surrounded by many beautiful ladies and I can’t hear you la-la-la …”

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17
Retirement planning is a serious, complicated matter that can only be understood using brightly-colored ribbons

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18
Half the residents of Savannah regularly wear navy blue sweatshirts

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19 
Alisha’s employment agreement with Walmart requires her to work until she turns 97, drop dead in the break room, and reimburse the company for her corpse’s trip to the morgue

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21A 
To save money, ad producer used recycled crime scene tape from Ferguson, Missouri

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22 
This is almost as much fun as having no real hope of doing better than your parents

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23
“I’m more worried about stuff that directly affects me, like Ebola, al-Qaeda, and Benghazi.”

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24
“Thank you, Barack Hussein Obama.”

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25
Festive plastic strip indicates that last two or three decades of your life will be an unrelenting nightmare

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26
Tammy comes face-to-face with realization that, like most Americans, she’ll have to spend the majority of her adult life sharing income and expenses with someone she slowly grows to despise

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28
If you kill the person next to you, you get to tack their ribbon onto yours

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29
“Who are you to judge me, you son of a bitch?”

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31
Brian is dismayed to learn that his dog has saved more for retirement than he has

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32
“Sorry – I just came to stalk teenage girls.”

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34
Judy might as well dig her own grave right there

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34A
Jasper’s ribbon only stretched to age 75 – but he’s 78

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35 
Guess that explains why he lives in the park

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35A
“I said, you stepped on my goddamn ribbon!”

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36
“I’m sorry … I just found out that I’m probably gonna starve to death in six months.”

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37
“It’s only human nature to be a fucking moron when planning for the future.”

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38
“Prudential has built an entire business model upon that very idea.”

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38A
It’s funny because roughly a quarter of them will perish long before they reach retirement age

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42 
30-year-old dude confidently standing on “85” is going to get run over by a bus on his way home from the park

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45
Turns out that the solution is changing the color of your ribbon

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47
Prudential guarantees a .003% return per ribbon foot, excluding commissions and fees

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50 
Display resembles exculpatory asterisk that follows every written representation made by Prudential to its investors

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53 
Observing the scene from heaven, God decides to amuse Himself by summoning a tornado

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54
You provide the income, we provide the legal disclaimers of liability

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59 
Because the best kind of corporate financial partner is one that assumes no risk and charges you for gambling with your money

Loathsomeness: 8.9