Friday, March 7, 2014

Toys R Us “Field Trip”

Link 01 Logo 01A

Synopsis: A nationwide toy store chain synonymous with overpriced, hyper-indulgent crap rescues a busload of elementary school students from the nightmare of learning about nature and delivers them to one of its monstrous superficialization centers to receive a gender stereotypical item of their choice.

01 
Toys R Us’s Willy Wonka is a semi-literate slacker named Brad whose last paycheck came from a local sperm bank with an exceptionally lax screening program

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Producer agreed to let him live on the bus while he tried to get things straightened out with his landlord

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He thinks that’s how a capital “R” normally looks; also still has trouble with his “S’s”

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Unsuspecting school kids glumly resign themselves to horrible day of experiencing the world around them

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Bus became available when real “Meet The Trees Foundation” turned out to be front for al Qaeda

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Bus is so clean, you could eat off of it.  Just ask Brad.

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Sandra nods off while he struggles to pronounce “maple.”

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13A
I think you might be able to squeeze one more in there …

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This is like Dick Cheney’s personal hell.

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As usual, Asian kid is only one who knows the answer

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Just for kicks, here’s another look at the entirely different set of children shown in the same seats three seconds earlier.

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The planet we depend on for life is so BORING …

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What’s this?  The unkempt imbecile butchering the names of leaves at the front of the bus isn’t a real park ranger?

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Julia (left) becomes ecstatic over the big reveal, while Tina (right) tries to avoid being associated with this embarrassing farce

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“… and I’m going to take you to a place where they chopped down a thousand trees for the parking lot alone!”

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33A 
Try to guess how many of them are peeing their pants right now.  The answer may surprise you.

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Nothing evokes fun and whimsy like a monolithic concrete structure that looks like it was built for Stalin

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Non-union giraffe paid less money than screaming brats get for their allowances

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The three kids who got trampled to death were secretly entombed in giant tubs of Play-Doh

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And not a leaf in sight!

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Kids apparently didn’t ask cooperating parents why they had to wear their most stylish outfits for purported nature walk

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“NERF is your ruler … all will submit to NERF … “

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Meanwhile, in Indonesia, hardworking children who made these toys experience the wonder of a bowl of rice

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Sure, it’s an extravagance …

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… but the joyful look on his face is worth it

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Mark and Daniel burst into tears five minutes later when President Obama stops by to tell them they didn’t build that

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Adorable little girl accidentally wanders into boys’ section before being redirected to Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice

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This is sure to be a welcome addition to her migraine-suffering single mother’s one-bedroom apartment

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Mike views the timeless majesty of moisture-stained celling panels

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Erica and Janelle gleefully run toward Barbie pinkpocalypse

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Barbie’s got a busy a day ahead of hating math, trying on pretty new dresses, and earning 77 cents on the dollar

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This is what happens when you take God out of toy stores

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Whoops – that one’s for mommies and daddies who love each other

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Jordan couldn’t be more excited about his simulated lethal weapon

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100
He can’t wait to wave this around in the school cafeteria

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It should tide him over until his dad buys him a Crickett.

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Billy finally finds someone who “gets” him

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His future Chinese masters will think of him as a minion, too

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Maria attempts to flee from radio-controlled quadcopter moments before crashing into enormous LEGO Death Star

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You’re never too young for lipstick or lily-white aspirational figures

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Toy R Us’s genetic engineering lab successfully created world’s first fairy, but couldn’t figure out how to keep her from getting sucked into ventilation fans

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For girls this age, Disney princesses are like crack

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Now Derek won’t have to say another word to his family until he goes off to fight in America’s next inconclusive war

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126A
You’ve come a long way, baby.  But not really.

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Display box for child sold separately

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Except the ones the school psychologist told you about

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We “R” doomed.

Loathsomeness: 9.8

Friday, January 31, 2014

New Jersey “Stronger”

Link 02 Logo 03A

Synopsis: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie takes a break from grinding his political opponents into dust to spend $25 million of disaster relief money on an upbeat post-hurricane tourism campaign featuring a revitalized Jersey Shore and, by sheer happenstance, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

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In storm’s silver lining, thousands of Jersey Shore’s roving, feral cats were washed out to sea

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01A
From the top of the historic Barnegat Lighthouse you can see all the way to the traffic jam on the George Washington Bridge

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03A
As the child of Buono voters, Alisha has had to endure many terrible hardships

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She silently rues the day her family moved to Fort Lee

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04A
Old road sign was weaker than the storm, ended up in Philadelphia

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New, high-tech sign is capable of announcing punitive lane closures within seconds after they’re ordered by Governor’s staff

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Resurgent tourism raises number of Saturday beachgoers to five

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06A
Land’s End replaced Candie’s as official outfitter of the Jersey Shore

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Alisha gleefully races off to find Snooki

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New Jersey residents are so resilient, they can write upside-down

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Boardwalk chalk artist’s last job was marking storm-damaged massage parlors for demolition

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Bakery owner hears Chris Christie’s thundering footsteps outside and scrambles to open store

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Sales records will be broken today

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Alisha is too young to understand danger of getting between the Governor and his cupcakes

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Warning: Do not attempt to take shelter in fancy cake during storm

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Municipal worker diligently checks beach for buried hobos

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That’ll keep the hurricanes away

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P.S. Thanks for nothing, God

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Little girl carefully places whimsical flag designed by demoralized 27-year-old production assistant in windowless cubicle

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Atlantic City mayor reluctantly approved sand castle project after Governor’s office threatened to cut off sanitation funds

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Mary Pat is pleased with selection of affair-proof husband, but less enthusiastic about prospect of visiting him in jail

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Andrew never feels more relaxed and comfortable than when he’s serving as a doughy prop for his dad’s political ambitions

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24A
Millions of already-traumatized New Jerseyans mercifully spared sight of Governor in bathing suit

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24B
“You think I wanted to be out here on the freakin’ beach?”

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“I’d rather be back in Trenton doing everything I can to make Mark Sokolich’s life a living hell.”

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“But sometimes, as Governor, I have to do stuff for the good of the state – even if it means paying a politically-connected PR firm twice as much public money as the lowest bidder in order to give me free airtime during an election.”

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26A
“If you’ve got a problem with that, then you’re an idiot.  And your kids are gonna be a few hours late for the first day of school.”

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Sarah and Bridget learned to abuse power from their father, will be indicted by grand jury next week

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Five minutes later, defiant mural obliterated by passing shower

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Not pictured: Hoboken

Loathsomeness: 5.5