Synopsis: A couple of insufferable new parents wants the world to know that they’ve outsourced their grandiose fears of becoming the victims of a home invasion to some college dropout sitting by the phone in a cubicle 300 miles away.
Tiny Reason No. 1 can’t neurologically process complex images, yet still perceives that her parents are nitwits
-0:03-
Tiny Reason No. 2 wonders if E*TRADE Baby is ever going to call
-0:03-
Parents’ top priority is safety, which is why they put aquarium big enough to submerge newborns in nursery
-0:04-
Soon they’ll be old enough for their first Cricketts
-0:04-
Neighbor’s attempt to defend home by scattering shards of glass near potential entry points was a miserable failure
-0:05-
Intruder apparently became enraged when he discovered that most valuable item in house was “Kung Fu Panda” DVD
-0:05-
Officer Jones has never seen anything like this in his nine-and-a-half days on the force
-0:05-
Congressional subcommittee will later demand to know why Hillary Clinton ignored family’s pleas for more security
-0:06-
The Burglar's Code requires that at least two lamps be overturned during every break-in, but dumping vase of flowers is optional
-0:06-
Alex is temporarily blinded by exposed CFL bulb
-0:06-
On plus side, he’ll be allowed to skip piano lesson for first night since emerging from mother’s womb
-0:06-
Michelle was charged with one count of refusing to install an ADT security system and one count of watering her ornamental plants during drought conditions
-0:06-
If only she’d cared more about exceedingly remote chance that middle-class suburban home would be broken into than trying to save money for her child’s education
-0:07-
ADT will see her in hell
-0:07-
Police sirens suddenly go supernova
-0:07-
“Unlike our irresponsible pagan neighbor who has a wacky elephant man shrine in her closet, we put our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. But what if He’s busy?”
-0:07-
“I mean, I can’t monitor the house, watch over my babies, and write blog posts about what a great mom I am all at the same time.”
-0:08-
“If someone tried to attack us, do you think this doofus standing next to me would be able to do anything about it?”
-0:08-
“He can’t even work up the courage to cancel our Netflix account.”
-0:09-
“Good observation, honey. Did that come to you while you were pouring your third glass of wine?”
-0:09-
His sideburns are the only ones who understand him
-0:10-
“Do you know how much perfect white babies like ours are worth on the open market?”
-0:10-
“Seriously – do you? Because we really only need one.”
-0:10-
Greg actually stole ADT yard sign, never ordered service
-0:11-
“Marsha’s been punching our ‘security code’ into an old calculator I glued to the wall for the past six months.”
-0:11-
“Who’s the doofus now?”
-0:14-
Great bargain for a system you’ll stop turning on after three weeks because it’s a total pain in the ass
Loathsomeness: 8.0
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