Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Bayer “Flight Attendant”

Link 01 Logo 03B

Synopsis: While something that an overworked sound editor considered to be an exotic Asian melody plays evocatively in the background, an all-American doofus on a Korean Air flight from San Francisco to Seoul tries to describe his back pain to a fluently English-speaking stewardess as if she resides on another planet.

00 
“Dramatization” notice cautions unsuspecting viewers that, while it appears real, portrayal of airline passenger pushing flight attendant call button is a dangerous fantasy

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01 
Professional stuntman – do not attempt.

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01A
Steve can no longer endure the unrelenting agony of sitting in a plush, cushioned seat while others provide for his every need

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01B
Fortunately, he can still use his index finger to point to a patronizing illustration of his discomfort

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01C
Same drawing also explains plan to stab man sleeping with his wife

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02
Flight attendant’s perfect English, Southern California accent, and understanding demeanor aren’t enough to convince him that she can comprehend simple four-letter words

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02A
Play the clip – she sounds like Erin Andrews.

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03
“I have pain … PAIN …”

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03A
Steve defensively brandishes his water bottle in case things go south

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04
“Where I come from, white people need constant medication to deal with imaginary problems.“

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04A
“I knew I shouldn’t have tried to lift up that tray table …”

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06
In addition to unprescribed aspirin, KAL flight attendants always keep plenty of emergency tongue depressors on hand

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07
What’s Korean for “helpless idiot” ?

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08 
Good enough for the Nazis – good enough for you

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Computer animation shows what Steve would look like if he was made entirely of olive oil

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Bayer Back & Body targets shameful pain centers with sweet breath of enchanted dragon that will live for a thousand years

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11A
In just minutes, pain is banished to Land of Wind and Ghosts

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11B
For most effective relief, take while naked, staring directly at the sun

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12
WARNING: may cause loss of forearms

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12A
“Need any help with that, jackass?”

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13A
“Thank you so much for sharing your mysterious Oriental wisdom about name-brand pain relievers.”

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13B
“Hey – do you people still call corn ‘maize’” ?

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14 
“What an amazing and totally inoffensive cross-cultural experience this has been.”

Loathsomeness: 9.6

Friday, March 7, 2014

Toys R Us “Field Trip”

Link 01 Logo 01A

Synopsis: A nationwide toy store chain synonymous with overpriced, hyper-indulgent crap rescues a busload of elementary school students from the nightmare of learning about nature and delivers them to one of its monstrous superficialization centers to receive a gender stereotypical item of their choice.

01 
Toys R Us’s Willy Wonka is a semi-literate slacker named Brad whose last paycheck came from a local sperm bank with an exceptionally lax screening program

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02 
Producer agreed to let him live on the bus while he tried to get things straightened out with his landlord

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05
He thinks that’s how a capital “R” normally looks; also still has trouble with his “S’s”

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06
Unsuspecting school kids glumly resign themselves to horrible day of experiencing the world around them

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10 
Bus became available when real “Meet The Trees Foundation” turned out to be front for al Qaeda

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Bus is so clean, you could eat off of it.  Just ask Brad.

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13
Sandra nods off while he struggles to pronounce “maple.”

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13A
I think you might be able to squeeze one more in there …

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15
This is like Dick Cheney’s personal hell.

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As usual, Asian kid is only one who knows the answer

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13
Just for kicks, here’s another look at the entirely different set of children shown in the same seats three seconds earlier.

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18
The planet we depend on for life is so BORING …

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What’s this?  The unkempt imbecile butchering the names of leaves at the front of the bus isn’t a real park ranger?

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Julia (left) becomes ecstatic over the big reveal, while Tina (right) tries to avoid being associated with this embarrassing farce

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“… and I’m going to take you to a place where they chopped down a thousand trees for the parking lot alone!”

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33A 
Try to guess how many of them are peeing their pants right now.  The answer may surprise you.

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34 
Nothing evokes fun and whimsy like a monolithic concrete structure that looks like it was built for Stalin

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Non-union giraffe paid less money than screaming brats get for their allowances

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39
The three kids who got trampled to death were secretly entombed in giant tubs of Play-Doh

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And not a leaf in sight!

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41 
Kids apparently didn’t ask cooperating parents why they had to wear their most stylish outfits for purported nature walk

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“NERF is your ruler … all will submit to NERF … “

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44
Meanwhile, in Indonesia, hardworking children who made these toys experience the wonder of a bowl of rice

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45
Sure, it’s an extravagance …

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… but the joyful look on his face is worth it

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47 
Mark and Daniel burst into tears five minutes later when President Obama stops by to tell them they didn’t build that

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49
Adorable little girl accidentally wanders into boys’ section before being redirected to Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice

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51 
This is sure to be a welcome addition to her migraine-suffering single mother’s one-bedroom apartment

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52
Mike views the timeless majesty of moisture-stained celling panels

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54 
Erica and Janelle gleefully run toward Barbie pinkpocalypse

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56 
Barbie’s got a busy a day ahead of hating math, trying on pretty new dresses, and earning 77 cents on the dollar

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57
This is what happens when you take God out of toy stores

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58 
Whoops – that one’s for mommies and daddies who love each other

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59
Jordan couldn’t be more excited about his simulated lethal weapon

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100
He can’t wait to wave this around in the school cafeteria

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101
It should tide him over until his dad buys him a Crickett.

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102
Billy finally finds someone who “gets” him

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103
His future Chinese masters will think of him as a minion, too

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105
Maria attempts to flee from radio-controlled quadcopter moments before crashing into enormous LEGO Death Star

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109
You’re never too young for lipstick or lily-white aspirational figures

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111 
Toy R Us’s genetic engineering lab successfully created world’s first fairy, but couldn’t figure out how to keep her from getting sucked into ventilation fans

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112 
For girls this age, Disney princesses are like crack

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126
Now Derek won’t have to say another word to his family until he goes off to fight in America’s next inconclusive war

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126A
You’ve come a long way, baby.  But not really.

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128
Display box for child sold separately

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130 
Except the ones the school psychologist told you about

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133 
We “R” doomed.

Loathsomeness: 9.8