Sunday, December 14, 2014

Lexus “Christmas Stories”

Link A Link B Link C
Logo 03F

Synopsis: New Lexus owners offer their impressionable young children three fanciful explanations for how white luxury cars with giant red bows ended up in their driveways on Christmas morning while the rest of America struggles to make ends meet.

PART ONE: “THE TRAIN”

A01 
Largess Express heads for Onepercentia

-0:05-

A05
Like “Snowpiercer,” only first class all the way through

-0:06-

A06
Ironically, trackless street will be destroyed by 200-ton locomotive, making pretentious driving impossible

-0:08-

A08
Non-union elf can’t believe he has to work on Christmas

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A08A
If this were Amtrak, Joe Biden would walk out with a copy of Rolling Stone tucked under his arm

-0:10-

A10
The most appealing image of a car you will see in this commercial

-0:10-

A10A
Ribbon carefully positioned so that driver is completely blinded as he approaches narrow off-loading ramp

-0:13-

A13 
There’s no better way to honor Jesus

-0:15-

A15
It gets 28 mpg highway, or 30 mpg without the giant bow

-0:17-

A17
Next stop, Mitt Romney’s house

-0:18-

A18 
Deserving family gathers to appreciate scarves and luxury car

-0:19-

A19
No newborn being has ever emerged from “Mom’s” pristine body

-0:19-

A19A
Actor playing “Dad” got his start as a model for the Jack of Spades

-0:20-

A20
Odds of Taylor getting shot by cops while playing with toy gun = 0

-0:22-

A22
The white … it burns …

-0:23-

A23
Whimsical snowman built by production crew shows fake family’s fun side, also disproves global warming

PART TWO: “THE BOX”

B01
Ignoring the desperate pleas of millions of impoverished children, Santa stops at the home of some rich asshole to personally deliver a gift that costs more than the annual income of 90% of humanity

-0:03-

B03 
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

-0:04-

B04
Unless box contains the Ebola virus, we now have conclusive proof that life is unfair

-0:04-

B04A
Lousy things come in small packages

-0:05-

B05 
Even at this early stage of development, many believe that aborting Lexus fetus is murder

-0:06-

B06
Miraculous transformation will come to a disappointing end if homeowner suddenly backs out of the garage in his Hummer

-0:08-

B08 
If you set it up wrong, it turns into the International Space Station

-0:09-

B09 
This is going to put a lot of assembly line robots out of work

-0:10-

B10
Don’t forget the exploding airbags …

-0:12-

B12
Inside Lexus, Lexus dashboard display reminds Lexus owner that he’s driving a Lexus

-0:13-

B13
Hood was already down in preceding frame, but, whatever …

-0:14-

B14
And – voila! – a fully-assembled symbol of America’s descent into crapitude

-0:16-

B16A
Family had a good laugh after initially telling maid car was for her

-0:18-

B18
By court order, Lexus is required to portray African-Americans in at least one-third of its commercials

-0:18-

B18A 
Company told ad agency it wanted the “Lands’ End“ kind, not the “I Can’t Breathe” kind

-0:19-

B19
Robert breaks the conspicuous consumption color barrier in style

-0:20-

B20
Kids can barely contain their excitement upon seeing the fifth new car their parents have purchased since 2008

-0:20-

B20B
“Whoa … and every family got one, right, Dad?”

-0:21-

B21
“Uh, yeah, probably … “

-0:22-

B22
“Hey – who wants to go back inside and open more presents?”

PART THREE: “THE TELEPORTER”

C00
Animals can always sense when something terrible is coming …

-0:02-

C02
Lexus RX has higher ground clearance to more easily pass over income inequality protesters

-0:03-

C03 
Ravenous raccoons prepare for ambush, worry that driver’s brain isn’t big enough for full meal

-0:03-

C03A
“You know, Phil, I’m tired … I’m really, really tired … “

-0:05-

C05
Lexus slowly approaches shimmering Self-Entitlement Arch

-0:06-

C06 
Floating north polar ice sheet supports abundant trees and wildlife

-0:08-

C08
“In the name of Satan – I mean, Santa – I direct this vehicle to … “

-0:11-

C11
Warranty excludes coverage for electrical damage caused by contact with supercharged plasma

-0:11-

C11A
Owl sagely observes proceedings, digests slow-footed field mouse

-0:12-

C12
Evidently no one could think of a better use for a teleporter

-0:12-

C12A 
The first time they tried this, car rematerialized in living room, crushing hedge fund manager as he fixed his mistress a martini

-0:13-

C13
Elves occasionally piss through wormhole when Santa isn’t looking

-0:15-

C15
House has all the warmth and charm of your local bank

-0:15-

C15A
Not Pictured: alcoholic mother passed out in bathtub

-0:18-

C18
“Dad – what does ‘douchebag’ mean?”

-0:19-

C19
“People keep shouting that when they drive by.”

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C20
“Just look at the car, honey.”

-0:24-

C24
God bless them all.

-0:27-

C27
Mostly I’ll remember the vomit.

-0:29-

C29 
Because, let’s face it, you’re probably going to hell anyway

Loathsomeness: 9.9