Synopsis: Courageous Calgary-born carbon-loving Christian conservative crackpot Ted Cruz kicks off his incomprehensible presidential campaign by sharing his carefully edited personal story and touting his bold, independent-minded leadership that allows uncompromising Tea Party fanatics to control him like a political sock puppet.
Meet Ted Cruz – now 0% Canadian
Cruz’s father hated communism so much, he fled Cuba two years before the communists took power … and four years after fighting for Fidel Castro
Rafael Edward Cruz’s first words were, “Repeal Obamacare.”
Cruz’s mother insisted that all family photos be sepia-toned and convey honest, conservative values
Her honest, conservative husband abandoned her in Alberta after fathering her child, then was guided by Jesus to reconcile with her, then ended up divorcing her anyway
GOP candidate’s unhappy children forced to appear in schmaltzy campaign video against their will
From left to right: Ted, Catherine, Heidi, Heidi’s Hair, and Caroline
The Cruz girls, separated by three years, are always dressed exactly alike, which is not at all weird
After conclusively refuting global warming, Cruz takes family on a much-needed vacation to Antarctica
Cruz clan prays for God to smite Barack Obama before he finishes destroying America, and also for more sweaters
“ … and that’s why I won’t rest until I have personally terrified every impressionable child in the United States.”
Diverse young people trucked in by Cruz handlers provide reassuring backdrop as Ted addresses usual crowd of white middle-aged hicks
“If Obamacare isn’t stopped, every single one of you will be dead in six months and your organs shipped to Iran.”
Princeton and Harvard have a lot of explaining to do.
According to a recent study by The Heritage Foundation, $15 trillion of nation’s debt is caused by misallocated food stamps used to buy vodka and lobster
Update: it is working.
We must stop illegal influx of Dodge Durangos across our borders
Welcome to America. Now get out.
Cruz warmly shakes hands with Jewish leader who, according to his own faith, is destined for hell
Meanwhile, ISIS militants celebrate takeover of Amarillo Walmart
Heartless IRS bastards expect Americans to pay for the benefits and protections they receive from their elected government
Lois Lerner singled out certain nonprofit organizations for differential tax treatment. She also eats puppies.
THEM: Washington fat cats on a mission to take your money and regulate your life
YOU: a sensible suburban mom aged 26-35 who may or may not work outside the home or have a husband but still maintains a decent figure and spends time with your adorable blond son while wondering how our once-great country lost its way
In an unexpected announcement, Cruz confirms long-rumored affair with Candice Bergen
See if you can find any African-American, Hispanic, or Asian people in this audience – it’s fun if you don’t like surprises.
Ted thought he spotted one, but it turns out it was a member of his security detail
If Ted Cruz is elected President, creation scientists finally will get the funding they need to prove that God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve …
… and U.S. elementary school students will once again recite the Pledge of Allegiance, instead of the Koran
Tragically, both Washington and Jefferson died before they had a chance to declare that America was a Christian nation and disavow their lifelong support for the separation of church and state
Inside all-American barn is all-American meth lab
Vladimir Putin shudders at sight of outdated, unarmed stunt aircraft
America rebuked terrorists by building ugly, uninspired monolith that was completed years behind schedule and way over budget
“I just wanted to thank you for helping me decide not to be gay.”
Ted Cruz is even more leaderly in his Lands’ End jacket
“Sure, you could vote for some other idiotic, right-wing nutjob like Rand Paul, Ben Carson, Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, Bobby Jindal, or whoever else tries to stuff themselves into the 2016 Republican clown car … “
“.. but if you want someone who actually believes all the asinine, patently absurd things they say, and has the courage to try to turn those insane notions into public policy, then I hope you’ll support me on my journey to become the next – and probably last – President of the United States.”
“I’m a complete moron, and I approve this message.”
Admit it, you’d kinda like to see all the crazy shit that would happen