Levi’s “Pioneers”

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: Greasy, panting teenagers and young adults run wild across a recreation of the long-vanished U.S. countryside, trying to celebrate or reject something, until getting bored and deciding to start randomly fighting and coupling with each other instead.

“We’re opposed to what again?”

“OMG – it’s rain!  Someone posted about this on Facebook!” 

Teens eagerly launch themselves at The Man

Message: Buying a pair of jeans at Target is somehow a revolutionary act.

 
Marxism never looked so hot

“You can’t make me wear corduroy – you don’t have that right!”

Subliminal Message: Nothing affirms the rebellious, freedom-loving spirit of American youth like donning clothing made for a profit-hungry, multinational corporation in the airless garment factories of Lesotho and Guatemala.

 
Liberation Day (not pictured: unhip Third-World sweatshop workers)

Memorable Moment: Brave button-flyers attempt to topple the Establishment with sticks and sex.

This will wake up those fat cats in Washington!

All he could find was a set of antlers, but don’t ask how he got ’em

Speaking of Levi … this is exactly how little Tripp was conceived

Disturbing Aspect: Dazed kids, having become strangely attracted to fire, act out an MTV version of Lord of the Flies.

It’s like an Olympics for idiots

 
All they need now is a boar’s head and some Mountain Dew 

 
The Founding Fathers would be proud

“Dude – we should totally put this on YouTube.”

Burning Questions: How many hours would these dancing doofuses actually last in the wilderness if the production crew was not there to drive them back to L.A. at the end of the shoot?  After the Relaxed Fit Revolution, will Levi’s undertake reprisals against Old Navy?  Can I just wear my jeans, without having to wrestle or kiss a sweaty, shirtless guy?

I don’t think this is what Walt Whitman had in mind … or maybe it was.

  
Unfortunately, 95% of Americans can no longer read unabbreviated words

Overall Loathsomeness: 5.6

Mitigating Factor: When society collapses two years from now, members of the Levi’s Love Brigade will be hunted for their denim.

Broadview Security “Party”

 
See the commercial here.

Synopsis: In the next fabulously frightening segment of Broadview Security’s super-sexist scareathon, a young, single house party hostess makes the near-fatal error of exchanging brief pleasantries with a hunky uninvited guest, “A.J.,” who then returns after the party’s over with dark designs of making her his unwilling love puppet, until being scared off by a wailing alarm that interferes with his ability to receive further instructions from the voices inside his head.

 

Maybe she should have taped Broadview sign to her chest 

 

It’s so nice to finally meet someone who respects my personal space. 

 

She looks like she’d put out – but where’s the challenge in that?

 

Message: Even the most innocent human interactions inevitably lead to shocking violence and unfinished dirty dishes.

 

 

Unfortunately, that’s her programmable thermostat

 

In hindsight, his jokes about solitary confinement were a red flag

 

Monica quickly reconsiders her objections to the morning-after pill

 

Subliminal Message: Men are evil.

 

Because God doesn’t give a rat’s ass whether you live or die 

 

 
“Yes, I’ll pay the crisis response fee!”

 

Memorable Moment: Monica and her friends are giddily bemused about the fact that a complete stranger attended the small gathering without anyone figuring out where he came from or why he was there.

 

 

“Who was that mysterious loner who threw up on your lawn?”

 

 

“My future husband, that’s who!”

 

“Unless he’s a serial killer or something – ha, ha!”

 

Disturbing Aspect: A.J.'s personality transforms from sociable to psychotic in the space of about four-and-a-half minutes.

Before: A.J. bashfully shares dream of raising shelter puppies on his farm

After: A.J. takes what A.J. wants

 
Mice view peril to cruel exterminatrix through hole in baseboard 

Under the circumstances, this is not an ideal defensive posture

Burning Questions: Since he’d already earned Monica’s trust, why didn’t A.J. simply wait for her to let him back in the house?  Couldn’t A.J. have noticed that the kitchen door was ajar before he went to the trouble of breaking the glass with his forearm?  Has affirmative action finally arrived at the Broadview call center?

“A.J. smash!”  Oh, wait – it’s already open.

 

His skin was still light enough for Harry Reid

 

Overall Loathsomeness: 7.8

Mitigating Factor: After the ordeal was over, Monica sold her story to Lifetime Television for a movie starring Debra Messing, Valerie Bertinelli, and Anthony Michael Hall as the menacing but misunderstood “A.J.”

Broadview Security "Backyard"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: While caring for her young child at home in devoted obedience to the inerrant will of God and her husband Larry, a delicate, defenseless woman, lacking an available male to protect her, is attacked by an escaped convict from the state penitentiary down the road, then is heroically rescued by the big, strong man at Broadview Security before her closely-guarded feminine virtue can be compromised by the unshaven Caucasian who brazenly broke down her door.


If this was Bahrain, she'd be arrested for wearing pants


Setting sun somehow means it's time for lunch

Message: You're never safe, ladies. Never ever ever.


Dark, heavy jacket is perfect summertime disguise


Neighbors too busy tweeting about CSI to call police


It might be hard to believe, but this guy once ran GM

Subliminal Message: Don't worry; Daddy's here.


Soft keypad lets you activate system without breaking a nail


"Don't get hysterical, Miss; just try to enjoy it until help arrives."


"Please hurry, or no man will want me again!"

Memorable Moment: Despite the large Broadview Security sign placed directly in front of the house, the hapless intruder appears surprised that his forced entry caused an alarm to sound.


Broadview sign actually attracts violent criminals


Huh; there's a loud noise ... guess I should move on.

Disturbing Aspect: In odd contrast to her mother's theatrical freak-out, the little girl seems fairly indifferent to the unfolding home invasion.


Mom shrieks in terror while Melissa decides on grilled cheese


You've come a long way, baby. But not really.

Burning Questions: What prevented the intruder from entering the unlocked house while his intended victims were obliviously playing outside? Why did Mom and her daughter run past the intruder in the foyer and scamper upstairs instead of exiting through the back door to safety? Given that the only discernible job requirement is to be able to utter short, reassuring phrases on the phone, when will Broadview hire a dispatcher who is not a beardless, physically fit, white male aged 27-32?


Women would cry all the time or get pregnant


"Ma'am, are you sure the whole thing wasn't just PMS?"

Overall Loathsomeness: 7.9

Mitigating Factor: After the attack, Mom changed into her house dress and baked two batches of oatmeal raisin cookies, vowing never to venture outdoors again.

Pepto-Bismol "Chaperone"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: A gastrointestinally-challenged junior high school dork who by the apparent intercession of Almighty God managed to score a prom date with Hannah Montana, then unwisely tried to quell his nervousness by scarfing down a bunch of deep-fried burritos, suffers the ultimate humiliation when his smothering, big-mouthed mom calls the Pepto-Bismol Strategic Command Center to loudly report that he's suffering from nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, and diarrhea, thereby ensuring that he retains his virginity for the next ten years.


Proper "locked arms, both hands at 12" steering technique


"Hello, I'm not gay, how may I help you?"


Gassy smell actually came from swamp creature outside window


Pepto operators possess highest suicide rate in the nation

Message: Losing control over your most disgusting bodily functions at socially decisive moments is nothing to be embarrassed about.


Why can't I be "insta-cool" ?


Here come the chimichangas ...

Subliminal Message: Wherever you find human misery, Pepto-Bismol is there.


Buying you time to get to a toilet since 1901

Memorable Moment: The Juilliard-trained movie actor / recovering alcoholic who agreed to play the Pepto Guy in exchange for food briefly veers off script to reenact the snow globe scene from Citizen Kane.


Allan recalls early years of youthful, carefree digestion


Spoiler Alert: his boyhood colon was named "Rosebud"

Disturbing Aspect: Mom cheerfully ruins her son's life.


"Do you need a clean pair of underwear, honey? Look in my purse."


Yes, this young man has a bright future ahead of him.

Burning Questions: Why did Mom call Pepto for advice after her son already had taken the tablets? Was it really necessary for the queasy kid to display the Pepto box on his knee for the rest of the trip? How long did it take Hannah to find a dress in Pepto pink?


Hannah is no longer upset about forgetting her diaphragm


"I think he might be dead or something, Mrs. Wagner. "

Overall Loathsomeness: 8.5

Mitigating Factor: Hannah suffered only a few minor cuts and bruises when she jumped out of the moving car.

Froot Loops "Check-Up"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: A concerned four-year-old boy, "Cody," suffering from an unusual case of childhood non-obesity, is told by his trusted nursery school-trained physician that a steady diet of sugar-infused corn rings bathed in partially hydrogenated vegetable oil will solve the fiber problem he never had and put him back on the road to hyperactivity, uncontrolled weight gain, and diabetes.

Universal health care


"Is your emergency contact still SpongeBob SquarePants?"

Mr. Frog hopes that no one notices his embarrassing fungus

Message: Froot Loops is part of a nutritious, well-balanced breakfast -- so long as that breakfast includes 1.5 metric tons of broccoli, spinach, and sliced avocado.

From an actuarial standpoint, they'd be better off eating the box

Subliminal Message: Run along to your important sales meeting, Mom -- Kellogg's will raise your kids.


Not legally child abuse

Memorable Moment: Cody receives the grim news that, without a massive infusion of Froot Loops, he has less than six months to live.

Cody regrets never taking that trip to Italy


"Also, I strongly advise you to start consuming more Twizzlers."

The bill seems outrageous, but it's all right there on the abacus

Disturbing Aspect: A cereal with approximately the same amount of nutritional value as a pile of ground-up candy canes is being marketed as health food.

The medical evidence supporting Froot Loops is irrefutable


Once rotted teeth fall out, nothing gets in the way of the flavor

Burning Questions: Can the Kellogg Company find one doctor in North America without a plastic stethoscope who would recommend Froot Loops as a healthy choice? How long did it take Kellogg's creative team to draw the nearly picture-perfect "child" renditions of its product packages? Does spelling the word "fruit" phonetically absolve Kellogg from liability for false advertising?

Underpaid graphic designers are so cute ...

Overall Loathsomeness: 8.7

Mitigating Factor: Kellogg was forced to drop the venerable Tucan Sam as its family-friendly pitchbird after his mysterious Thanksgiving car crash exposed a series of adulterous affairs with trampy white cockatoos.