Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Prudential “Ribbons”

Link 01C Logo 02D

Synopsis: On behalf of the Prudential corporation and the big fat check it stuffed into his pocket, sellout social psychologist Daniel Gilbert smugly strolls through a sun-splashed public park to remind everyone not named Daniel Gilbert that they haven’t saved nearly enough money to avoid dying in abject poverty.

01
Looks like a perfect day to depress the hell out of struggling middle-class wage earners in Savannah, Georgia

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04
Giant retirement savings calculator is going to ruin ambiance of Civil War re-enactment scheduled for later this afternoon

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05
Participants in commercial demonstration were told not to bring any guns, Confederate flags, or common sense

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08
“We asked people a question: ‘How much money do you think you’ll need when you retire?’”

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09
“Then we asked them, ‘Are you gullible enough to take financial advice from a softly patronizing psychologist with no background or qualifications in economics whatsoever?’”

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09A
“Prudential gave me a boatload of cash to spend a couple of hours pretending to care what happens to you people.”

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11
“I was paid more for this commercial than you make in an entire year of actually contributing something to society – just think about that.”

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12
It’s a trick question if you were born after 1960, because you’re never going to retire

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13
“How much money do you think you’ll need to buy a new camera after I shove that one up your ass?”

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13A
“ISIS offers a pretty good pension plan, so I think I’m all set.”

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14
“When I close my eyes I’m a billionaire surrounded by many beautiful ladies and I can’t hear you la-la-la …”

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17
Retirement planning is a serious, complicated matter that can only be understood using brightly-colored ribbons

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18
Half the residents of Savannah regularly wear navy blue sweatshirts

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19 
Alisha’s employment agreement with Walmart requires her to work until she turns 97, drop dead in the break room, and reimburse the company for her corpse’s trip to the morgue

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21A 
To save money, ad producer used recycled crime scene tape from Ferguson, Missouri

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22 
This is almost as much fun as having no real hope of doing better than your parents

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23
“I’m more worried about stuff that directly affects me, like Ebola, al-Qaeda, and Benghazi.”

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24
“Thank you, Barack Hussein Obama.”

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25
Festive plastic strip indicates that last two or three decades of your life will be an unrelenting nightmare

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26
Tammy comes face-to-face with realization that, like most Americans, she’ll have to spend the majority of her adult life sharing income and expenses with someone she slowly grows to despise

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28
If you kill the person next to you, you get to tack their ribbon onto yours

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29
“Who are you to judge me, you son of a bitch?”

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31
Brian is dismayed to learn that his dog has saved more for retirement than he has

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32
“Sorry – I just came to stalk teenage girls.”

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34
Judy might as well dig her own grave right there

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34A
Jasper’s ribbon only stretched to age 75 – but he’s 78

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35 
Guess that explains why he lives in the park

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35A
“I said, you stepped on my goddamn ribbon!”

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36
“I’m sorry … I just found out that I’m probably gonna starve to death in six months.”

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37
“It’s only human nature to be a fucking moron when planning for the future.”

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38
“Prudential has built an entire business model upon that very idea.”

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38A
It’s funny because roughly a quarter of them will perish long before they reach retirement age

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42 
30-year-old dude confidently standing on “85” is going to get run over by a bus on his way home from the park

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45
Turns out that the solution is changing the color of your ribbon

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47
Prudential guarantees a .003% return per ribbon foot, excluding commissions and fees

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50 
Display resembles exculpatory asterisk that follows every written representation made by Prudential to its investors

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53 
Observing the scene from heaven, God decides to amuse Himself by summoning a tornado

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54
You provide the income, we provide the legal disclaimers of liability

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59 
Because the best kind of corporate financial partner is one that assumes no risk and charges you for gambling with your money

Loathsomeness: 8.9

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Bayer “Bob’s Heart Attack”

Link 03 Logo 01A

Synopsis: A middle-aged small business owner receives written warning of an impending, near-fatal heart attack, then restores his immortality by taking low dose aspirin.

00 
Bob begins Friday morning meeting with cheerful small talk before telling staff he’s sold company for five million bucks and they’re all being fired

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00A
It’s always hard to let good people go, but he’ll have two weeks at Sandals to try to get over it

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00B
Suddenly the administrative assistant who disregarded Bob’s prior suggestion to “dress a little sexier” enters with an urgent message

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00C
“Thanks, Mary – and really great spin you put on the meaning of ‘no interruptions.’”

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01
Can’t believe I thought about doing that airhead.

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01A
This must be about my tee time …

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02
Uh-oh … it’s from a vengeful God

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02A
Bob hopes it doesn’t happen while he’s in the john – that would be embarrassing

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03
On the bright side, it doesn’t say anything about Ebola

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04
“Dramatization” disclaimer reminds viewers that this is not actually a man learning of a future cardiac event via Post-it Note

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05
Bob wonders if he can reschedule near-death experience to coincide with sister-in-law’s visit next month

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06A
Hmmm … it’s not notarized …

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07
I should get my lawyer to look at this – maybe there’s some kind of a loophole.

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07A
To prove He’s not messing around, God gives Bob a startling preview of the afterlife

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07B
Utter, infinite nothingness negates existence of Shia LaBeouf, so it’s not all bad

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08
After surviving heart attack, Bob put on ten extra pounds and started wearing hospital gown around house

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09
In next room, Julia unenthusiastically practices using defibrillator while daydreaming about next husband

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09A
The official aspirin of the Third Reich, now in an easy-open bottle

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10
FYI – your next paper cut will take three days to stop bleeding.

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11
Bob almost feels good enough to start cheating on his wife again

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11A
If these interfere with his low dose Cialis, he’ll have a very difficult decision to make

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12
Just in case someone’s filming, Bob makes sure to carefully grasp all his medications so that his fingers don’t cover the label

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13 
WARNING: If you take the whole bottle at once, it’s no longer considered a “low dose.”

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14 
The brand recommended by 4 out of 5 Korean airline stewardesses

Loathsomeness: 6.6